Why is carrot more faithful than hummus?

The carrot sticks but the hummus dips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/y6ird
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.

But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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After 10 years of faithful service, my Japanese printer finally died on me yesterday.

It was like a Brother to me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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What is the most faithful fruit?

The can't-elope

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magniankh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.

If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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Why is Dwayne Johnson's head revered by the Muslim faith?

Because it's the Dome of the Rock.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spudquake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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If Praying Mantis' are always praying, what is their faith?

It varies. They are all in sects.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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Did that man in the Bible really leave his sense of sight in the hands of one person claiming to be the son of God?

Talk about blind faith

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eagleboy444
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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A French guy started a charitable foundation that symbolizes the coexistence between faiths; combining "Red Cross" and "Red Crescent". What did he call it?

Red Croissant

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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I strongly considered joining the muslin faith until I realized the entire thing was a fabrication.
πŸ‘︎ 374
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πŸ‘€︎ u/88bitmusic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
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Mike Tyson is a religious guy.

He punches people in the faith.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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There’s like 2 people here who get this, but I put my faith in programmers
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AeRUBIK-Cubing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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Jet Engine Fueled by the Faith of Christ

THE POWER OF CHRIST PROPELS YOU

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnchorMcDaddy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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Germans have a word for everything..

It is "alles".

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-jFk-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ..

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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I would leaf a joke here but I have nothing intreesting to say
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeoMarethyu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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I have faith in the hook I installed

It's something I can hang my hat on

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/torakwho
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2016
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I recently watched a documentary on Mike Tyson. I had no idea he was so religious...

He kept saying he likes to hit people in the FAITH!!!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pyrojodge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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I didn't use to have much faith in modern medicine...

but then I had to undergo emergency brain surgery and it really changed my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iplaymeinreallife
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
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What do members of the Baha'i faith use as their holy book?

The Baha'ible.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeevers84
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2018
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What do the parishioners of the Box faith call the parishioners of the Bag faith?

Sack-religious

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YarnSpinner
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2013
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Anyone need an ark?

I Noah guy.

πŸ‘︎ 345
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.

That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheDonut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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Faith No More came on the car radio.

Turned to my son and said, "This song is totally Epic."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ooklamok
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
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Today is a leap day.

I guess I should jump with joy.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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I always seek such puns
πŸ‘︎ 640
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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I tried peeing from across the bathroom today

It was a leak of faith.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToothSleuth86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.

Is nothing sacred?

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flipester
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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This kid at the school assembly is my hero

Context: Our school was having a presentation at assembly from Together for Humanity - "a multi-faith not-for-profit organisation that is helping schools, organisations and communities to respond effectively to differences of culture and belief". The presenters were an orthodox Jew, a Muslim, a Christian and an atheist.

When they asked for questions at the end, my new hero asked "Have you ever gone to a bar together?"

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-Nizzle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2017
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How did the religious man cross the raging river?

He took a leap of faith!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amphaboss
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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Eating fish makes you smarter

You’ve heard that eating fish makes you smarter? Well, here’s the proof!

A customer at the local grocery store marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

β€œTell me, what makes you so smart?” he asked the owner.

β€œI wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” came the reply. Then, lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldn’t hear, he continued. β€œBut since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

β€œYou sell them here?” the customer asked.

β€œOnly $4 apiece,” said the grocer.

The customer quickly bought three. A week later, he was back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasn’t any smarter.

β€œYou didn’t eat enough,” replied the store owner, and the customer went home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he was back and this time he was really angry.

β€œHey,” he said, β€œYou’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2.You’re ripping me off!”

β€œYou see?” replied the grocer.β€œYou’re smarter already.”

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/eating-fish-makes-you-smarter/

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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When the parachute failed I became deeply aware of the gravity of my situation.
πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gargolito
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
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So the Pope walks into a mosque...

and the Imam says 'Why the wrong faith?'

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CpnCodpiece
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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Looking for punny D&D NPC names!

So far i’ve got: Robin Banks, Ben Dover, Tera Dachtyl, Brock Lee, Justin Tyme, Hit M Hart, Claire Rigg, Al E Gator, Arty Fishel, Dinah Might, Rea Lystic, Grace Full, Tsui Saidel and Faith Truman

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zappertap
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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What do you call Kanye West prior to writing "Jesus is King?"

Ye of little faith

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hamsterwheel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy...

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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The best joke my dad ever told

My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first:

He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge.

After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic.

Here's where the story begins:

During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The "stimulation" in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore.

"Marge," he says, "I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room."

He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her. With a slight shake of his head he says:

"Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk"

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DONT_PM_MEH_PLEES
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
🚨︎ report
I tried peeing from across the bathroom this morning.

It was a big leak of faith.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToothSleuth86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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