I did it, I finally did it. After 4 years and 92 days I went from being a father, to a dad.
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
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︎ Jan 01 2022
Itβs 4:30am and my 2 year old is sitting on my lap and we are watching Mickeyβs Clubhouse for about the two billionth time.
I donβt remember the exact episode but everyone was getting ready for a dance. In my half awake, why canβt we watch something, anything else state, I start thinking, if Mickey and Minnie had kids, they be mice. Donald and Daisy, ducklings. But what kind of kids would Goofy and Clarabell have?
Then it hit me, Bulldogs!
When my wife eventually woke up I told her the joke and she groaned and left the room.
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︎ Jan 12 2022
As told by a 4 year old... What has 4 wheels and flies?
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︎ Nov 30 2021
My wife caught me cheating. She took the house, made me mortgage everything else and I am currently in jail.
Boy does she take Monopoly seriously.
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︎ Dec 20 2021
Q: The day after the holiday, what did the fridge say when it was asked, "Is everything al-right over here?"?
A: "No, everything is all left-over here!"
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︎ Nov 25 2021
What did the blind guy say after his friend bought him an everything bagel?
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︎ Jan 02 2022
This subreddit is 10 years old now.
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
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︎ Jan 14 2022
What is a a bisexual person doing when theyβre not dating anybody?
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︎ Jan 12 2022
Everything is treble
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︎ Jan 05 2021
(My 4 yr old unknowingly came up with this) What cheese is really stinky?
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︎ Dec 11 2021
Why was 4 scared to ask out 5?
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︎ Oct 19 2021
My name is ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Itβs pronounced βNoel.β
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︎ Dec 25 2021
βπ¬πͺπ’π«π·ππ―Γ‘ π’π© 20/4
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︎ Nov 20 2021
If Korean pop is shortened to Kpop and Korean Drama is Kdrama...
What, then, is Chinese rap?
Edit:
Notable mentions from the comments:
-
Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits
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French/Finnish art
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Country/Canadian rap
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Chinese/Country/Canadian rock
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Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap
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︎ Jan 09 2022
Is this sub still active?
There hasn't been a single post this year!
(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)
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︎ Dec 31 2021
is Isn't
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︎ Jan 11 2022
My WIFI password is 2444666668888888
Just to clarify, 12345678
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︎ Jan 03 2022
If a clown comes to your house and starts eating everything from your fridge, don't get offended.
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︎ Dec 17 2021
If βwombβ is pronounced βwoomβ and βtombβ is pronounced βtoomβ then shouldnβt βbombβ be pronouncedβ¦
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︎ Dec 24 2021
A little boy came running up to me and said, "Please help, my dad is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!" He replied, "I don't know."
"That's what they're fighting about."
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︎ Jan 07 2022
I met a potato who talked about everything he saw going on around him. He thought he was special.
I think he was just a common-tator
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︎ Dec 12 2021
The teacher asked Little Jimmy, βif I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?β Little Jimmy said, βSevenβ The teacher said, βno Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven? Little Jimmy said,
βBecause I already have a cat.β
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︎ Nov 27 2021
Why is 6 afraid of 7 (this punchline is actually different)?
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︎ Dec 31 2021
True love is...
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︎ Dec 30 2021
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
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︎ Jan 12 2022
Reading to my 4-year old daughter about the body and told her about the kidneys
She smirked and said βyou mean these?β Pointing to her knees βIβve got kid knees right here!β Itβs official, this is definitely my kid π
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︎ Dec 28 2021
What is a pirateβs favorite letter?
While many believe that a pirateβs favorite letter is βRβ,
His first love be the βCβ
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︎ Jan 02 2022
Cure for everything....
π︎ 2k
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︎ Aug 28 2021
Word on the street is, Cookie Monster has tested positive for COVID
It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.
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︎ Dec 23 2021
WHO HAS 2 THUMBS AND IS AWESOME?
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︎ Nov 25 2021
My son was born yesterday and is in the NICU. [META]
What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.
Edit: there are two winners.
The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt
The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1
Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.
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︎ Dec 09 2021
You are too thin skinned if you take offense to everything
Show how strong you are and take a wall instead
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︎ Dec 08 2021
He left this comment on Twitter that is totally right.
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︎ Dec 23 2021
If the Beatles were French, why would they only have 3 members as opposed to 4?
Instead of John, Paul, George, and Ringo, they would be Jean-Paul, George, and Ringo
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︎ Nov 10 2021
What is the capital of Poland?
π︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 04 2021
This comic is rated Arrrrr [OC]
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︎ Jan 04 2022
I surveyed 100 women on what their favorite shampoo is.
94% of them replied βGet out of my shower!β
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︎ Dec 14 2021
At the hospital I was admitted to, apple costs $2, pumpkin $3 and blueberry $4 per slice.
Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.
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︎ Oct 31 2021
At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away...
A whim away, a whim away.
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︎ Jan 13 2022
"Forget everything you learned in college...
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."
"But I never went to college."
"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
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︎ Dec 09 2021
What do you give the person who has everything?
Antibiotics
(Thanks to my Christmas cracker for this one)
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︎ Dec 12 2021
How do you measure how good a dad joke is?
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︎ Jan 12 2022
My son is a man trapped inside a womans body...
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︎ Jan 11 2022
I tried explaining to my 4-year-old son that itβs perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants...
But heβs still making fun of me.
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︎ Jan 03 2022
A still Ben is still a Stiller
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︎ Dec 30 2021
4 feet of snow in Lake Tahoe forced the local Chipotle to close, but not before they made one last pun.
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︎ Dec 29 2021
When is a door not a door?(I'm so sorry)
π︎ 6k
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︎ Dec 05 2021
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