Let me try uncle gravity next
π︎ 85
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
My friend always told me to try different types of tea instead of drinking only Earl Grey.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.'
π︎ 18
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︎ Oct 15 2020
Thereβs a new drug going around that is nicknamed βangleβ. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and donβt want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess Iβm just too square to try angle.
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 17 2020
I'll never forget when my dad told me, "Find yourself a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you!β A little taken aback, I asked him what he meant. He explained...
βShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them!"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied βbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heelsβ. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
My therapist told me to try meditation.
I told him I'd think about it.
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 28 2020
My friend told me if I want to get out of doing the dishes, try dropping some of them. I tried it, it didn't work.
But then during babysitting.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 10 2020
Somebody tries fighting me while I was holding lollipop
Needless to say, he got sucker punched
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 17 2020
I recently tried on some new shoes and I told the salesman they felt a bit snug. He told me to try pulling the tongue.
βOK,β I said, βbuth I donβth know how thith will helpthβ
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 25 2020
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
π︎ 73
π
︎ Jan 21 2020
People have often told me that I should try to grow more as a person.
Iβve been trying for years, but Iβm stuck at 6β-0β.
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 28 2020
My physic friend told me he wanted to try his new mind forklift
It really lifted my spirits
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 22 2020
Me and my brother really tries to quit smoking weed,
but it's hard, being cojoint twins.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 24 2020
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 05 2019
My wife wants me to try a blindfold during sex, but I donβt think itβs a good idea.
I just canβt see myself wearing it.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 19 2019
My brother just told me to try and punch him.
When I went in for it he punched the counter top and shouted βcounter attack!β
π︎ 77
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︎ Aug 31 2019
I told my friend that everybody hates it when they visit me at home, but he said he'd have to try it himself sometime.
I told him to be my guest.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 15 2019
I always wanted my dad to grow a beard and would try to get him to not shave in the mornings. As he began shaving, he would always promise me that heβd start growing a beard βtomorrowβ, but he never did.
He was a bald faced liar.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 04 2019
Me: Hey, wanna try Vietnamese for dinner tonight?
Wife: What, pho?
Me: Just to try something different.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 18 2019
Yesterday I had a guy try to sell me casket.
I looked at him and said βForget it man, thatβs the last thing Iβll ever need.β
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 19 2019
Never try to annoy me with bird puns..
Because toucan play at that game
π︎ 438
π
︎ Aug 18 2017
I had a guy try to tell me stuff to lubricate my pet lizard
Turns out it was just snake oil
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 17 2019
I always try to show my appreciation for the people at the movie theater who sell me my popcorn, soda, candy, etc.
After all, these people make a lot of concessions at work.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 31 2019
I couldn't believe it when my wife asked me if I wanted to try Yoda classes.
I was really confused when I showed up to the first class and they were all stretching.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 30 2019
I'm finding that as I get older, I am becoming more and more resistant to change. It makes me uncomfortable, and I try to avoid it whenever possible.
I mean, dollar bills are so much easier to carry around.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Apr 30 2014
I raced to the bakery to try and get the last cake but someone else beat me there.
So instead I got consolation pies.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 13 2019
I hate people that try to tell me how to live my life.
I knew I shouldn't have hired an editor to look at my autobiography.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 16 2019
My dad wants me to try a new hunting-gun he loves
He said "You should give it a shot."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 05 2019
My wife was baking and asked me to try a "blob of ganache".
I said, isn't that a Middle Eastern dip?
She said "what?" with a confused look on her face.
I said, "you know....blabbaganash?"
A second later, loud groaning.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 16 2019
Dad got me with a bit of wisdom: No matter how much you try to push the envelope...
...it'll always be stationery.
π︎ 199
π
︎ Apr 23 2016
My friend told me heβs been eating coins and that I should try it too.
He said it really βchangedβ his life.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 16 2018
My friend asked me if I wanted to try this new soap he was using.
I responded, "Thanks, but I'd lather not".
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 07 2019
I try to encourage my wife to come up with her own mom jokes. So when she asked me to make one up regarding wood, I got a little upset.
"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 01 2018
Nowadays, every time I tell a joke, my wife tries to hit me.
She doesnβt strike me as the funny type.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jul 20 2018
I asked a Chinese ghost of it could try scaring me.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 08 2018
When I was a baby, my dad used to try to force feed me every morning.
My mom used to say βUse the fricking spoon! You arenβt a Jedi.β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 20 2018
So my friend asked me to tell them some puns to try and make them laugh, so I tried ten times...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 09 2018
Unexpected dad joke from Mom... My dad was grilling pork chops today. Normally not a fan, but I decided to try a bite. It was delicious, so I turned to my dad and said, "Wow Dad! These pork chops are really well done!" From behind me, Mom quipped...
"Actually, they're medium-well."
I paused for a good 10 seconds as it began to sink in, and then gave her the biggest applause I could.
I'm so happy.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 25 2018
Dad: cmon son just try some. Son: Dad, why do you want me to try this chapstick so bad???
Dad: because itβs the balm!
π︎ 27
π
︎ Mar 30 2018
I try to be supportive, but I'm worried that if my daughter is transgender everyone will see right through me
Because I'll be transparent.
π︎ 44
π
︎ May 05 2017
My wife told me to step out of my comfort zone and try yoga
I told her that'd be a stretch
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 09 2018
My girlfriend wants me to try this French kombucha
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 27 2018
Whenever someone tries to talk to me about their problems I hand them my resume
They always get confused so I have to explain
"look: I'm a Teller, not a listener"
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 12 2017
My dad always told me, βFind a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.β
She knows how to make a bad decision and still stick with it.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo, and try to convince her to marry me.
They know how to make a bad decision, and then stick to it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 20 2019
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