Let me try uncle gravity next
πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend always told me to try different types of tea instead of drinking only Earl Grey.

He was right all oolong.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jakwag1019
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.'

Obviously a sham rock.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed β€œangle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.

I guess I’m just too square to try angle.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PopTarnekPop
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied β€œbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I'll never forget when my dad told me, "Find yourself a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you!” A little taken aback, I asked him what he meant. He explained...

β€œShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My therapist told me to try meditation.

I told him I'd think about it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M4sterofD1saster
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend told me if I want to get out of doing the dishes, try dropping some of them. I tried it, it didn't work.

But then during babysitting.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Somebody tries fighting me while I was holding lollipop

Needless to say, he got sucker punched

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DingusTickler007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently tried on some new shoes and I told the salesman they felt a bit snug. He told me to try pulling the tongue.

β€œOK,” I said, β€œbuth I don’th know how thith will helpth”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
People have often told me that I should try to grow more as a person.

I’ve been trying for years, but I’m stuck at 6’-0”.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jpweidemoyer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My physic friend told me he wanted to try his new mind forklift

It really lifted my spirits

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackCatGamer204
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Me and my brother really tries to quit smoking weed,

but it's hard, being cojoint twins.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GobAteMyHamster
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:

"No Siri Bob"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BazzyTheLemon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife wants me to try a blindfold during sex, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.

I just can’t see myself wearing it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother just told me to try and punch him.

When I went in for it he punched the counter top and shouted β€œcounter attack!”

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Migeistabello
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friend that everybody hates it when they visit me at home, but he said he'd have to try it himself sometime.

I told him to be my guest.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/which1ispink
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I always wanted my dad to grow a beard and would try to get him to not shave in the mornings. As he began shaving, he would always promise me that he’d start growing a beard β€˜tomorrow’, but he never did.

He was a bald faced liar.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: Hey, wanna try Vietnamese for dinner tonight?

Wife: What, pho?

Me: Just to try something different.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Never try to annoy me with bird puns..

Because toucan play at that game

πŸ‘︎ 431
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Raehln_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I had a guy try to sell me casket.

I looked at him and said β€œForget it man, that’s the last thing I’ll ever need.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andrewblaylock
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a guy try to tell me stuff to lubricate my pet lizard

Turns out it was just snake oil

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Imperial_Squid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I always try to show my appreciation for the people at the movie theater who sell me my popcorn, soda, candy, etc.

After all, these people make a lot of concessions at work.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gideonindc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn't believe it when my wife asked me if I wanted to try Yoda classes.

I was really confused when I showed up to the first class and they were all stretching.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm finding that as I get older, I am becoming more and more resistant to change. It makes me uncomfortable, and I try to avoid it whenever possible.

I mean, dollar bills are so much easier to carry around.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uptwolait
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
🚨︎ report
I raced to the bakery to try and get the last cake but someone else beat me there.

So instead I got consolation pies.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Deesel3315
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate people that try to tell me how to live my life.

I knew I shouldn't have hired an editor to look at my autobiography.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad wants me to try a new hunting-gun he loves

He said "You should give it a shot."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad got me with a bit of wisdom: No matter how much you try to push the envelope...

...it'll always be stationery.

πŸ‘︎ 199
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CandysaurusRex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
🚨︎ report
My friend told me he’s been eating coins and that I should try it too.

He said it really β€œchanged” his life.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TGF_messiah
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if I wanted to try this new soap he was using.

I responded, "Thanks, but I'd lather not".

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crumbkakes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I try to encourage my wife to come up with her own mom jokes. So when she asked me to make one up regarding wood, I got a little upset.

"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Nowadays, every time I tell a joke, my wife tries to hit me.

She doesn’t strike me as the funny type.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I asked a Chinese ghost of it could try scaring me.

The ghost said "不".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Khoalb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
So my friend asked me to tell them some puns to try and make them laugh, so I tried ten times...

Alas, no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__Shockwave__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
🚨︎ report
When I was a baby, my dad used to try to force feed me every morning.

My mom used to say β€œUse the fricking spoon! You aren’t a Jedi.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Unexpected dad joke from Mom... My dad was grilling pork chops today. Normally not a fan, but I decided to try a bite. It was delicious, so I turned to my dad and said, "Wow Dad! These pork chops are really well done!" From behind me, Mom quipped...

"Actually, they're medium-well."


I paused for a good 10 seconds as it began to sink in, and then gave her the biggest applause I could.

I'm so happy.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoBlizzard12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad: cmon son just try some. Son: Dad, why do you want me to try this chapstick so bad???

Dad: because it’s the balm!

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I try to be supportive, but I'm worried that if my daughter is transgender everyone will see right through me

Because I'll be transparent.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to step out of my comfort zone and try yoga

I told her that'd be a stretch

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend wants me to try this French kombucha

But I'm not into culture

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Whenever someone tries to talk to me about their problems I hand them my resume

They always get confused so I have to explain

"look: I'm a Teller, not a listener"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dxdrummer
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad always told me, β€œFind a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”

She knows how to make a bad decision and still stick with it.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo, and try to convince her to marry me.

They know how to make a bad decision, and then stick to it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.