When I was little my mom told me I could be anything I want to be...
Turns out identity theft is a crime.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
My financial advisor wants me to do the whole investor thing.
I bought the vest, any recommendations on a good tour I can take? So I can do my In Vest Tour
Got offered a voice-acting role in the new Emoji movie sequel. They want me to play the Poop Emoji. People say I should accept the role and be grateful, but I’m holding out for a classier part...
...I will not be deterred!!
My wife wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I refused.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K...
I’m not sure how he expects anyone to run that far!!!
My neutered cat wants to kill me
But he doesn't have the balls.
Me: Do you want to watch porn or golf?
Wife: Porn. You already know how to golf.
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
I told me my doctor I didn’t want her to give me stitches.
She said “fine, suture self.”
Today my friend asked me “What kinda shit would make you want to stay home all day?”
I said “Diarrhea for sure”.
My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.
But oops, I did it again.
My friend want me to join him in hoarding
He says they have everything
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"
My wife told me she wants to put a cross over the toilet.
I said, holy shit, that's a great idea!
My teacher wants me to simplify the equation.
I told him I'm no simp.
I don't know guys.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
My dad told me that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be made into fireworks so he can go out with a bang.
A friend wants to carpool with me to work, but I'm scared
Cuz he likes to take a route that goes through this LONG tunnel
And I have carpool tunnel syndrome
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwall…
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed “angle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess I’m just too square to try angle.
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
- You don't want to suffocate me?
▪I'll do it smother time.
This makes me want to get a green thumb
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
No one wants to listen to Whitesnake with me !
So here I go again on my own
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...
I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.
My daughter tells me that she wants to live in a nice house with her friends when they all have stable jobs.
I said, “Well sweetie, that’s nice, but I just can’t see you and your friends shoveling manure for a living.”
To which she replied, “Oh no? I thought you said that I could be president if I wanted to!”
Asked my GF why she chose this salad over the drum and bass salad, she wants to disown me.
Listening to sonic heroes makes me want to destroy a certain amount of robots
They told me "be the change you want to see in the world!"
My wife wants me to embrace my feminine side
I want to post a Tik Tok video of me playing my guitar but...
... I'd probably be band.
I have a weird side-effect from Covid; it makes me want to grope an ethnic Belgian dwarf...
...I'm feeling a little Flemish. cough
I wouldn’t want to either. Looking at him, makes me itch.
Soon just got me without this one: "Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?"
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
After an argument, my cooking instructor wants me to stew goose feathers gently below or just at the boiling point...
She wants me to simmer down!
Send me a message if you want to build a boat...
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My wife wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
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