Taco emergency?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peanutbuttakong
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Prisoner tunnels out of jail and emerges in a school playground shouting β€œI’m free”!

Little girl walks up and shouts β€œI’m four!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
911 what's your emergency?

"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!"

"Is this her first child?"

"No this is her husband"

πŸ‘︎ 318
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πŸ‘€︎ u/generalofbread
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.

You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cozykinkajou
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy with a hammer kept screaming like it was an emergency...

This is not a drill! This is not a drill! STOP!

.

.

.

Hammer time!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConfidentDuck1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I guess spring is one the way... birds singing, animals emerging from winter dens, trees budding with potential...

What a re-leaf!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail!

They called it a "Jury Summons."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency...

I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A chef cut himself and went to the emergency room...

The nurses patched him in triage and after a long wait, the doctor called him in. "You'll take about eight stitches and be on your way." The chef replied, "I can tell you're all very busy here, so just hand me the needle and I'll be on my way." The doctor looked by turns insulted, annoyed and dismissive.

"Fine then. Suture self."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarecrow53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation

like when you have to change someone's mind.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The Novel Coronavirus has become a worldwide health emergency

WHO cares

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thundernugs_
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
You hear about the sinking ship that emerged in sea?

Yeah, it was a huge emerge-in-sea.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oiggemini
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/welfarewonders
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you take someone who's been injured while playing Hide and Seek ?

To the ICU

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/enganere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How would a socially awkward adult go about emerging from a lair of eternal loneliness?

(Asking for a friend)

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texas_OT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I think this woman I met on Tinder is having an emergency...

She keeps texting me and saying "Get over here RN"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hero_of_Thyme81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
In case of emergency, break glass.

Why would I hurt myself in an emergency?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Psychegotical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency...

I said, "911."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you stop your pig in a emergency?

You pull up the ham brakes

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HotBizkitz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Take out just for emergency purposes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techyolofam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

πŸ‘︎ 248
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I always keep a Bieber container nearby for emergencies

Justin case

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/v0xx0m
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Pat Sajaks emergency surgery?

I guess he had to buy a bowel.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AGBalazs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend was creating the world's longest string of hyphens when he had a family emergency...

He had to dash away.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Emergency!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/firemanjoe911
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
It's an emergency
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomGamer12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why'd the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?

It was an emergent sea.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
911 whats your emergency?

Man: My wife is getting into labor i dont know what to do

Operator: is it her first born?

Man: no it is her husbend

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
After I brought home my last dog I ended up in the emergency room

Apparently I roverdosed myself

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoomerB3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I need a cough related pun to reply with! It's an emergency!
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emzyme212
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
If there's an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party

You should go to Daenerys exit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CD_Johanna
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Hospital Visit

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said.

Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hearing. After hours of trial and testimony, E emerged, innocent in the eyes of the court. He was absolved of all charges.

Everyone wondered how he managed to pull it off.

There is a reason he is called Mr E.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
You guys liked my previous post about my Dads pre-emergency surgery Dad joke...

Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/btsq5u/my_dad_will_be_telling_dad_jokes_till_the_end/

Well, I remembered something else he said once that I find hilarious (now) that you may also.

When I was a kid my chore was to do the dishes, by hand, after every meal bar holidays when I had help and the week of my birthday. One particular time, I must have been about 15 when I asked my Dad, Why don't we use the dishwasher, its easier and it's right next to me?

In the proud tradition of Dads before him he answered, We are using the dishwasher, now hurry up and quit complaining.

I laugh now in hindsight, and for some reason really enjoy doing dishes by hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FloatyMcBoatface
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the Mexican keep a wheel of cheddar in his truck?

In Queso emergencies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krombopulos137
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
We got an emergency here!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MonkeysLikeApples
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œHello 911.” β€œWhat’s your emergency?” β€œThese men won’t stop laughing.” β€œThat’s annoying, but not a crime.”

β€œWtf is manslaughter then.”

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the Italian astronaut say during an emergency reentry?

Okay buckle in guys were pasta point of no return

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was...

A casual tea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I once knew a guy who drove me around places, and oddly enough he always kept 4 shoes in his car for emergencies.

He was my shoe-four.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/00feyOwch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was out for a run and said she had to take an emergency poop in the woods. I want to believe her...

But I think it's a load of crap.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingnebwsu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I have some extra chairs in my garage

for emergency seat-uations.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Operator: 911 What's your emergency?

Responder: My wife's going into labor.

Operator: Is this her first born?

Responder: No, this is her husband.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daayum69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Who takes a bivalve to the hospital in an emergency?

A clambulance.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alvarortor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My SO sprained her ankle last night. After a few hours waiting in the emergency room we were sent to the radiology for an X-Ray!

I told her to break a leg.

^(I just had to share this. For what it was worth, I made her smile, like an upset "I don't want to laugh at this moment, but I can't help it" kind of smile, and that's what counts. Luckily there were no fractured bones.)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patrick_the_Saint
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the emergency surgery to remove a neckbeard, scarf and fedora?

Doctors were pleased to announce the first ever successful hipsterectomy.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OttawaCharlie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I hear the United States is well stocked for a bird-of-prey flu epidemic...

There are plenty of ill eagle drugs for just such emergency.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
COMMENCE EMERGENCY TOOL IDENTIFICATION PROTOCOL!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do hospitals have emergency generators?

It seems to me they have enough emergencies there to begin with.

πŸ‘︎ 356
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THEJAZZMUSIC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
🚨︎ report
There was an emergency when I used an impact driver to make a hole in the wall

It was not a drill

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yobababi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Why Do You Have To Act Quickly During A Flood

Because it's an emergent sea.

πŸ‘︎ 525
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackKeogh01
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
[Request] Looking for puns about "tubes"? My pun-loving friend just had emergency surgery to remove her Fallopian tube and I'd like to cheer her up!

Thanks in advance!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dar_Winning
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2016
🚨︎ report
A man was rushed to the emergency room after several small plastic model horses were inserted in his rectum.

The doctors are now reporting his condition as "stable".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gurana
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Why should you run away from a flood?

It's an emergent-sea!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/volgon453
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Since emerging from her cocoon, the butterfly was constipated

I guess she was a bad pupa.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anjelloe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
🚨︎ report
In queso emergency, please open a bag of tortilla chips.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimRockfordPI
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when too many dogs show up at the emergency room?

Roverdose

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithmcgreggor84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Why is a tsunami so catastrophic?

Because it's an emerging sea.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KatWayward
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A sign says: move over for stationary emergency vehicles.

Dad says: what constitutes a stationary emergency? I'm out of letterhead and all my pencils are broken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scipunk99
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2017
🚨︎ report
I never understood those signs that say β€œIn Case Of Fire, Break Glass”

How is broken glass supposed to put out a fire?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the emergency baby delivery in the White House bakery?

That kid's American, born in bread.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainTudmoke
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
🚨︎ report
What is Mexico's emergency number ?

Nine Juan Juan

  • Sent by my dad via text while I was on a business meeting
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folivao
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
🚨︎ report
So I'm watching Aquaman with my kids...

...and he gets into the first big fight with Orm where he gets pretty beat up. My kids look worried, so I say, "This is an emergency. He should call 9-1-1." My 7 year-old son immediately says, "No. Phones don't work underwater."

Me: "That's right. He needs to find a talktopus."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarecrow53
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad will be telling Dad Jokes till the end...

Quick backstory, my Dad was rushed to the hospital last night with an acute pericardial effusion. Of course, we didn't know the cause at the time, so when the Doc came into my Dads room in the ER to tell him what's going on and what they were going to do, emergency surgery, this is how the conversation went...

Doc: Mr FloatyMcBoatFace's Dad, You have fluid building up around your heart, an Acute Pericardial Effusion, and we have to go to surgery right away to get that fluid out of there.

My Dad: Well, good thing it isn't an Obtuse Pericardial Effusion...

The entire family groaned. The Dr and Nurse couldn't help but laugh after a few seconds of what I assume was shock.

Anyway, he seems to be doing fine, he's still in the hospital under observation though.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FloatyMcBoatface
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
The burger was leading the fast food race ...

Until the hotdog mustard up the energy to ketchup, and emerged the clear wiener.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Comprefyingly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
HELP! It's a taco emergency!

Dial 9 Juan Juan!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IanGecko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2016
🚨︎ report
My father-in-law: still dad-joking, even in the emergency room

While sitting on a gurney in the ER for chest pains (he's fine, just high blood pressure):

Doctor: So, what brought you here today? Father-in-law: The ambulance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/witty_username
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
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My dad texted me this while I was at the emergency room after chopping the tip off of my finger.

I had cooked smoked sauasge and was chopping jalapeΓ±os and cut the tip off my finger.

He texted me while at the emergency room commenting on the sausages:

"The sausages are really good but there is something different about them and I can't quite put my finger on it"

He followed up with this when my girlfriend and I returned from the hospital:

"Elizabeth are you hungry? We have some finger sandwiches if you are."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firm_as_red_clay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2016
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Old man dadjoked the doctor in the Emergency Room

Old man in the room next to my roommate's was checked in since he had a big fall and probably broke something.

Doctor - "Do you remember what happened when you fell?"

Old Man - "Well...I hit the floor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teH_wuT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2014
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My dad's go to joke, in case of emergencies.

One day some cannibals were eating a clown. One of them looks at his friend and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MIKESHIT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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After my dad just finished emergency surgery

Nurse: "Ever had any memory loss?"

Dad: "Not that I remember."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nekrocvlt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2015
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Dad in emergency room.

My mom fell the other day and i met him at the ER where my mom was already taken back at this time. I asked him what happened and told me "It's not looking good, your mom broke her butt." I asked "how do you know if they didn't do a x-ray yet?" and as soon as i said that i knew it was coming. My dad goes "There's a crack in it." I had to let out a sigh of relive and just embarrassment to find out my mom just wanted to get checked out and the ER was the only thing available at the time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vivmrsolo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2015
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Why did Sherlock Holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?

Because it was more ER tea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reynzo
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2016
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I always keep an extra bag of tortilla chips in the kitchen.

You know. In queso emergency.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pfheonix
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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Medical emergencies can be funny, too.

Had a seizure. Epilepsy sucks. I woke up, then this happened.

Dad: "Ah, you're awake. Did you see God?"

I couldn't quite see yet, but I knew he was waiting to say something clever. So I tried to turn it around before I passed out again.

Me: "I don't know. I might have. If I did, he bears a striking resemblance to the carpet."

Dad: "Let us thank the Floored that you didn't hurt yourself."

My stepmother said he made several more while I was out in the ER and in the ambulance.

Goddammit, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
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A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.

"Don't worry, sir," reassured the dispatcher. "Emergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive."

"How long will the ambulance be?" the man asked.

"About eighteen feet," replied the dispatcher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Muchacho1994
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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I bought a pair of emergency tweezers

They really come in handy in a pinch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ggaarrrreett
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2015
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911 Emergency

https://i.chzbgr.com/original/8128352512/1B332EFF/1

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roshambo_USMC
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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911 What’s your emergency

My wife’s going into labor

Is this her first born

No this is her husband

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OatSauce65
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Me: My wife's going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her firstborn? Me: No, this is her husband.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phasyo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Saw this on r/funny and thought it belonged here: Operator: 911 What's your emergency?

Operator: 911 What's your emergency?

Responder: My wife is going into labor, I don't know what to do.

Operator: Is this her first born?

Responder: No this is her husband.

Op: u/HeavenPotato

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πŸ‘€︎ u/banisher10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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COMMENCING EMERGENCY TOOL IDENTIFICATION PROTOCOL

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
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You have to act quickly during a flood.

Because it's an emergent sea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaranon
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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TACO EMERGENCY

CALL 9 JUAN JUAN!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/americangame
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
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Why must you act quickly during a flood?

Because it's an emergent sea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kas0510
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Responder: My wife's going into labor. I don't know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first born?
Responder: No, this is her husband.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheChocolateChap
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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He's ready

Operator: 911 what's your emergency

Dad: My wife's going into labor, I don't know what to do

Operator: Is this her first born?

Dad: No this is her husband

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriendOfMandela
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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Dad Joke of the Century

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do.

Operator: Is this her first born?

Dad: No, this is her husband

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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