Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Apparently camera film is photosensitive
...it’s very hawkward.
https://clips.twitch.tv/BelovedTriangularFalconStrawBeary
http://i.imgur.com/nwwPkPF.jpg
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
He’s my apparent aberrant parent
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them!"
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
He looked down and realized he had some teepee stuck to his foot.
because he’s my newt.
I was really embarrassed because I made a spectacle of myself.
I guess he’s just trying to shave face…
He was caught Gherkin off.
One is a 1 ton animal and the other is a little lighter
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
He's an ass guardian
Because of how pail it was.
Chicken: Well I guess we solved that riddle
Nothing, they're both faux pas.
Now he knows I'm taking his paper.
She lost her G- string.
I said, "Why did you just eat my food ?"
Three, to be exact.
A facepsalm.
Like, last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said, “Are you going to put it up yourself?” My dad replied, “Don’t be disgusting. I’m going to put it in the living room.”
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
... keep reading on reddit ➡Host dips her chip into a bowl of taco dip, breaks chip, new person arrives at the front door, host gives up and walks away with chip stuck in dip.
Person next to me: "Wow, she just left it in there."
Me: "Yeah, she abandoned chip..."
Wife just groans and walks away.
Boy, is my face red!
That’s the last time I do stand-up!
Talking to a coworker from Minnesota, while we currently live on the east coast:
"So how was your easter? Or do you guys celebrate midwester out there?"
No laughs, just silence. I think I did well.
Because all of the fish could see its bottom.
It turns rosey
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
The dad looked down at his map and said "Have you seen a macaque?"
GF: It hurts to hold it in and it's making my stomach feel bad.
Me: It's ok, you can fart in front of me. When you feel it coming, let it out slowly so it doesn't make a noise and sit directly on your butt so you'll trap it in and it won't smell.
GF: Wow, I didn't know you were my "Fart Teacher."
Me: I prefer "tutor."
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡Asking for a friend...
...because of the stairs.
I was so embarrassed. Boy, was my face read
Wooden shoe?
It's mullet-proof.
It had a large amount of embarrass-mint.
Because he had a bear behind
Sad American joke. We’re all pretty embarrassed by trump
My family and I attended a dinner this evening with my sister's housemates and all of their families - the first time everyone was meeting. As we all browse the menu someone makes the comment that that they didn't like the duck at this restaurant and my father immediately had to chime in.
Dad: You're completely right, it's not all its quacked up to be.
Thanks Dad.
Because he has snow pants on...
The wife is giving me the cold shoulder now....
We were in ASDA today when an older lady in front dropped a coin. Without missing a beat, my dad said (loudly) "2p or not 2p?", causing a lady next to the coin-dropper to burst out laughing. He really is embarrassing to be out with!
A faux pa
He wet his plants in front of everyone.
A cowincedence. Ha... hahaha... hahaaaaa I'm sorry.
The embarrassing thing is he was in the wrong hamlet.
The newspaper.
So my wife and I went to Great Floors looking for tile and generally getting an idea of what we want to finish our basement bathroom and family room with.
The saleswoman points us to this vinyl plank stuff I've never seen before that you just lay down with no glue or anything that is somehow completely waterproof and lifetime guaranteed and all that jazz. She shows us how you need to use a plunger to pry them back up once they are all tight together.
Me. "Wow, I never would have thought this could work.... I'm floored."
In the ensuing groan fest the saleswoman claims to have never heard that one before, I jested that she sounded knowledgeable for someone who obviously hasn't been working in the business very long.
So today in my physiology lecture we were talking about muscles and we touched on connective tissue and our prof said something about "broad bands of connective tissue" and I turned to my friend next to me and go "If there's broad bands of connective tissue do you think there's Wi-Fi of connective tissue?". He just sighed and told me he was going to punch me before going back to writing his notes with a look of pure hatred on his face.
(I tried to contain my laughter to his reaction and ended up snorting really loudly like a minute later when I heard him snicker)
We were pulling up to a coffee shop with a fairly crowded frozen yogurt store named Sweet Frog next door. My daughter upon getting out says "The frogurt store is slammed".
I seized my opportunity replying to her with "Don't you mean the frog-urt store is hoppin?"
I'd been doing yard and shed work on a hot day and bought some boardshorts/trunks from an op shop (goodwill) on my way home. Joked around with the older ladies at the register. They said I should try them on and give them a parade... As I was walking away I said "... nah, I'm too hot and dirty..."
As the words were still coming out of my mouth I realized what I'd done. I left in a confused haze of embarrassment and achievement. For a brief moment I touched the state of effortless dad joke.
He was a seasoned veteran
Wife: "Please get up off the floor and stop embarrassing yourself."
Dad: "Honey, do you not understand the gravity of this situation?!"
We had to pick up paper towels, and my wife had stopped and was looking at a couple packages.
Her: "I'm trying to see the difference between these two."
Me: "One is plain white, the other has prints."
Her: "Oh."
Me: singing "Purple stain, purple stain.."
She quickly walked to a different section of the store.
They get embarrassed talking about erections.
So I was at Taco Bell with my dad and when he handed the cashier the money, he got $5 back in cash
When he further inspected it he saw there was a little bit of it torn off.
So then he approached the cashier and said he only got $4.80 back instead of $5
She held back a groan and asked if he wanted a new $5 bill
I'm now embarrassed to go to Taco Bell
My dad was driving, I (Connor) was in the back left seat, my sister (Nicole) was in the middle, and my sister's boyfriend (Sean) was in the back right seat (my mom was up front). My dad says to my sister, "The left eye says to the right eye, something between us smells!" After we chuckle, he says, "Sean said to Connor, something between us smells!" My sister appropriately blushed as we all moaned in disdain.
This whole time, I thought his name was Dallas.
Side note, I told this to my parents at the visitation. They got a pretty good laugh
After winding down to the end of a long shift looking like I was near about to fall asleep as I was grabbing a muffler for one of my customers. I made a bold move and went for a dadjoke.
Right as I was putting the muffler on the counter I said, "Man, I'm exhausted."
To which the cringe on my coworkers face and the customers laughter was enough to make my day.
He didn't give a puck.
I think I'll start with "What is love? Baby don't hurt me", but then I have to say "we're gathered here today, ect.." and finish with "you may now kiss the bride",
It'll last about 1 minute, and I wanna really embarrass them. Any ideas?
She knows how to make a bad decision and still stick with it.
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
They know how to make a bad decision, and then stick to it.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
She knows how to make bad decisions and stick to them...
I managed to cover my tracks.
I think I covered my tracks.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them”
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
