I passed a drug test today...

And I didn't even study for it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krombopulos137
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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What did the drug test say to the addict?

β€œUrine trouble!”

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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I failed my drug test today

Looks like I’m not cut out to be a pharmacist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johannes_Cabal_NA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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Mandatory Drug Tests...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tisdue
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
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Have to take a drug test before I start my new job next week.

My dad asked if I was nervous, and if I was planning on studying for it before going in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomjim04
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2017
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So I took a drug test, today...

As I stepped out of the bathroom and handed the doctor my sample, I said, "Urine for a treat!"

I'm so proud of myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwatchmanx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2015
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Drug Test

When I started to leave the house, my dad called after me, "where are you going?"

"To take a drug test." I replied.

"Well, did you study?" He asked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theshotand1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
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My employer did random drug testing today.

I got weeded out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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Blood test
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yakdehi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
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Me to SO: I had a dream that a cow tried to sell me spoiled milk...

SO: really??? Me: It was udderly ridiculous.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oscarwood
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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A new job

My dad just got me good, talking about a job I'm starting while going to school:

Dad: Did you hear from HR?

Me: yeah I have to go for a drug test.

Dad: Do you have to study?

Me: Wha-oh my god I hate you

I'm the youngest of 5 so he's had a lot of practice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeciusMoose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2017
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My dad's on fire tonight.

I was having dinner with he and my mom, and the subject of my new job came up. I told them that I had to go take the drug test tomorrow, and he, with no hesitation, said, "Well you better go home and study, then!"

Later we were talking about a nice looking Saab sedan we saw, and he said, "I once read a cover story about those. The magazine called it a Saab Story."

I love my dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATCaver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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My dad's amazing golf pun

My family (Canadian) were talking about the PGA and the golfer Dustin Johnson became the subject of discussion. For anyone who doesn't follow golf, Johnson has come under some scrutiny lately for:

  1. Failing drug tests, leading him to withdraw from the PGA tour.

  2. Allegedly cheating on his girlfriend Paulina Gretzky (daughter of the hockey player Wayne Gretzky)

My dad then cracks this one:

"Looks like he's no longer in the PG, eh?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plith
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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I can’t believe I failed my drug test today

Looks like I’ll never be a pharmacist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mtabor0311
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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