What did Mick Jagger say when he found Hugh Hefner in bed with Dennis Weaver?

'Hey, hey, Hugh, Hugh, get off of McCloud"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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You’re Hired!

A very skilled attorney interviews for a job at a prestigious firm. The managing partner looks over his resume and exclaims with glee, β€œOh my goodness! You’re so experienced! You’re hired, and you can name your salary!”

The interviewee paused for a moment and said β€œThank you. I’d like to call mine Dennis.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JakeMann220
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Dad's at it again. Borderline unacceptably dad-joking the Denny's waitress.

family walks into Denny's

Waitress: "Welcome to Denny's! Just five of you today?"

Dad: "Yes, four adults, one child."

Waitress: "Alright, would you like a kids menu today?"

Dad: "No thanks, I just had three. They were delicious."

-_-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BroccoliCabbage
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2014
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I had the best Grand Slam breakfast I've ever had at a Denny's this morning.

They really knocked it out of the park.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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Three for one at Denny's

Homeless regular at Denny's sits down next to me at the counter.

He says, "Hey, Judy, I'll have a streak and eggs."

Judy, a waitress of sixty-some years inquires, "Do you have enough money for it?"

The man says, "I'd stake my life on it."

Judy gets annoyed and demands to see it, to which the man responds, pulling out a ten dollar bill, "Un-eggs-pected, I know."

She said, "No tip again, huh?"

He shoots back, "C'mon! Meat me in the middle here!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flipnotyk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
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So, it's 3am, I'm at Denny's...

The bill comes, and after a night of heavy drinking all anybody has left is loose change.

We (about 6 people) split up the bill and count our change onto the table.

Waitress comes by, sees that were settling the bill, and she says, "do you guys need any change?"

Without missing a beat my bearded husky inebriated friend returns, "yes, dimes and nickles will suffice"

The waitress was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5eight13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
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At my local Denny's

Waitress asked how many, four with the two kids?

My response: three if you count the two halves. Both the waitress and wife looked at me funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robnez
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2015
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Dad joke at Denny's today

While sitting at Denny's with my grandma and her sister, they were talking about their cousin Denny.

Grandma "I talked to Denny the other day, he said he would be coming down to visit next week"

Grandma's sister " Oh that would be wonderful!"

Me "Tell him he's doing great with the restaurant"

Ba-dum chhhh!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kevinston7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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What does La Quinta mean in Spanish?

Next to Denny’s.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brookermusic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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Scientists are creating a world where monkeys are allergic to tobbaco

They're calling it the Planet of the Vapes

(Thanks to Hugh Dennis for this one)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/van_gates
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2017
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Mac & Cheese

What's the opposite of Mac & Cheese?

Windows & Cheese!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fourfourjew
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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Studying for my MCAT when I came across this passage in Verbal.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, β€œA pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, β€œIt is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: β€œA pun is the lowest form of humorβ€”when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: β€œ...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, β€œTo trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zil2mz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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Watching the Little Mermaid

My gf and I occasionally enjoy a cheeky Disney movie.

Tonight I asked 'which Disney Princess do you think gets the best reception? '

Scowl

Me 'Arial'

Nothing but rolled eyes and breathing through the nose chuckles

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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I stayed at a La Quinta last weekend. I realized what "la quinta" translates to in English....

"next to Denny's"

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2017
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Is that enough Styx?

After coming in from grabbing some the firewood, my wife exclaimed "oh! We need sticks!" referring to kindling to start the fire.

In my best Dennis DeYoung, I started belting out "Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me!"

Then, with a shit eating grin, I said "Is that enough Styx for ya!?"

Unfortunately she had no idea what I was talking about and just looked at me blankly as I fell to the floor in laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovelynuts
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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I think they hurt themselves rolling their eyes.

I went out to Denny's and I was looking at the menu. Disgusted I had to tell everyone I had to order from the breakfast menu. They asked why and I told them because I am lack toast intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/loomdog1
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
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Pallet cleanse

Family was having breakfast at Denny's when my dad looks out the window towards a semi truck packed with wood pallets.

Dad: "I wonder if the driver cleaned those before he ate"

Me: "Cleaned what? All those pallets?"

Dad: "Yeah, I heard your supposed to cleanse your pallet before you eat!"

The whole table groaned, he was so proud of himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acrites4947
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2015
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The most ridiculous situation ever, capped off with an epic dad joke

A few years ago, my dad and I were building an addition onto his house. He rented a tool from the hardware store and had to return it, so he asked me to come with him and we would get some breakfast. There was a Burger King nearby, so we decided to stop there to eat.

When we go to the drive-through, we realize the restaurant was closed down, so he drove around the building to get back on the highway. As we were passing the dumpsters, he stopped the car, backed it up, and pointed towards the ground near the dumpster. I looked for a few seconds, trying to see what he was pointing at.

Then... I saw it.

It was a giant, 12+ inch black dildo, standing upright next to the dumpster. It propped itself up on its fake dildo balls, gently swaying in the breeze.

I was astonished. I couldn't even imagine what events in the universe had to line-up so as to end up with that giant dildo meticulously placed next to the dumpster at a closed-down Burger King. I couldn't even begin to fathom why it was there.

My dad, with perfect timing, then shouted "GAY TIMES WILL BE HAD TONIGHT!" and sped out of the parking lot.

We ended up going to Denny's.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OBJHamSandwich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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History Class Dad Joke

This was from high school before I became a dad, but I think it still qualifies.

My history teacher was lecturing on the Paris Conference following World War I. Specifically, he was discussing each of the world leaders in attendance and each of their aims for the treaty that would result from the conference.

He was going down the line of leaders and asking the class what each leader wanted in the treaty. For example, "Britain was represented by Prime Minister David Lloyd George. What did Mr. George want in the treaty?"

He got through Britain, France, and Italy, then he came to the United States, represented by President Woodrow Wilson.

He asked, "What did Mr. Wilson want?" I responded, "Dennis out of his life once and for all?"

He and I were the only people who laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/genericguy4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2014
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Dad cracks one at 1 AM

So we're at Dennys after New Years, and as we order the check my dad's asks for water, and this is how it goes.

Dad: "Can I have some water please?"

Waitress: "Sure, normal water?"

Dad: "No, diet water"

Waitress: "Oh, okay"

Waitress looked a bit confused when she walked away and we start laughing for about 10 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatKawaiiGuy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
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