Demonic possession is just hacking someone's irl account

Remember, never tell anyone your soulcial security number

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Evanlyn_Winter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 13 2019
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There is so much information out there about demonic possession.

It'll make your head spin.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Ridley_Himself
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 26 2019
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Demonic possession.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 135
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DawnOfArkham
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 13 2017
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Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 01 2014
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What do Demons store human souls in?

Sufferware

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/QuizzicalQuandary
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 20 2020
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I had a date with a demon last night...

But I’m not really into the possessive type.

(My brotherβ€˜s joke not mine)

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JohnnyXorron
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 19 2020
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How do you get a demon to wipe the condensation off your windshield?

Just ask him politely with a sqouija board.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/palm_top
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 04 2020
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Why are demons fat

Because they hate exorcising

πŸ‘οΈŽ 60
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/winged-sunrise
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 10 2020
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I always thought it was weird that no one talks about demons in Africa.

Then I remembered-they bless the rains down in Africa.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/the_kermit
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 12 2020
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The U. S. Government legally believes in demons.

After all, possession is 9/10ths of the law.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madkins007
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 29 2020
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If a demon ever goes bald

They’ll be hell toupee.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/notgordonbombay
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 31 2020
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What happened to the crack-dealing demon?

Arrested for possession.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CheesusHChrust
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 06 2020
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Demon [possessing my child]: 𝔱π”₯𝔒 𝔠π”₯𝔦𝔩𝔑 𝔦𝔰 π”ͺ𝔦𝔫𝔒

Me: possession IS 9/10 of the law

Child: I’m hungry and I want a toy and I’m not going to nap today and-

Demon: 𝔦𝔰 𝔦𝔱 π”žπ”©π”΄π”žπ”Άπ”° 𝔩𝔦𝔨𝔒 𝔱π”₯𝔦𝔰?

Me: it’s legally your problem now

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 30 2020
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

πŸ‘οΈŽ 53
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mastr9ball
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 12 2020
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Today is demon day

6/6 Saturday

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Wu-Chinese
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 06 2020
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Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.

I’m sure it’s saucer β€˜E’.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Yetanotherrob
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2019
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I saw a very spicy Japanese pizza demon.

It was a Pepper Oni.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/desireewhitehall
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 03 2020
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My local priest said he couldn't make it to dinner. He was busy exorcising our neighbours demons.

That's really nice of him. It's important that her demons stay healthy.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KingSulley
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2020
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Did you hear about the demon who threw some shoes in the hellfire?

He wanted to watch their soles burn

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rahcled
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2019
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Demon names always have apostrophes in them

They show possession.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/xwhy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 31 2019
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A demon said he wasn't gay.

I asked him demonstrate

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Skididlydoo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 13 2019
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Matt Demon everybody!
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MrWosabi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 10 2019
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We all know what the dodge demon is right?

I guess you could say its.... fast as hell

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Ve1ocityReign
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 22 2018
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What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?

Gobble the ghoul.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BeefbrothTV
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 19 2019
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I tried exercising my inner demons

But now they're just super fit and hotter than ever

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SirSpicyBunghole
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 14 2019
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What do you call a demon with a broken leg

A Limp

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mekkanik
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 28 2018
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A demon was arrested today

It was charged with possession.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/amishandroid
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 19 2016
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Recently found out Hell was made of demon beaver homes?

So that's what they meant by eternal dam nation.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/scarfhero
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 19 2018
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Drew a Haemogoblin
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/elisewongcreations
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2019
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When Johnny Demon sneezed, fire came out his nostrils and the Earth rumbled.

All the other demons said, "curse you!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2018
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Congratulations to user Mrspeedemon!

Let Mr. PeeDemon know he's a lucky man.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 14 2020
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The curse of the cursive.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 05 2018
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Why did the lazy priest buy a treadmill for his demonically possessed niece?

So her demons would exercise themselves.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rabidbunnygopoop
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 15 2016
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Whiteboards... are remarkable
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Zalack
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 02 2018
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Organic foods will turn me into a demon

Because they're super-natural

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dante0906
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 06 2016
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What did one dog say to the other?

"What's up dawg?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/corralreefer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 02 2018
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I got a letter saying I had to pay an overdue exorcist bill.

They said if I didn't, my house would be repossessed.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Onegodoneloveoneway
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 12 2016
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What do you call a ghostly chicken?

A poultrygeist.

And what do you call a priest who gets rid of chicken demons?

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fancychxn
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 26 2019
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Skelepun

So 2 skeletons are talking and one says to the other

Skeleton 1: I like a demon Skeleton 2: ask her out Skeleton 1: I just don’t have the guts for it

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Lordofdankcringe
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2019
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My doctor: You need to get into shape.

Me: I try, but my inner demons get the best of me. What should I do, doc?

My doctor: Exorcise three times a week.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 28
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 17 2018
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The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. β€œTim”, he said, β€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dendari
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 25 2018
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I laughed while my daughter cried today

Context: Today was helping at practice for a play that my 4th grade daughters class is going to put on. My daughter (Sarah) was playing a tree, and another girl (Mikayla) was playing a Deer. Right now they're all into this weird "dating" phase. So Sarah ran over to me sobbing...

Sarah: Dad, Mikayla kissed my boyfriend. She is already dating Scott and Michael kissed her just now!

Me: Hoe dear, that sounds like a really sticky situation you're in.

I then proceeded to start laughing while failing to control it while my daughter started bawling. The other adults looked at me like I was a demon, and I had to leave the room for a minute to control myself.

Edit: Also I later realized that my daughter doesn't understand what a hoe is and thought I was just laughing at her. Don't worry, I have apologized and bought her ice cream.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 70
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wwjjgg
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 04 2015
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I can't believe I fell for this one

My dad's joke this morning: A man asked a priest to exorcise the demons in him. So the priest came and did the exorcism. When it came time to pay the priest for services rendered, the man couldn't pay, so the priest had the man reposessed. groan

Edit: spelling

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/starshyne83
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 15 2013
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Why are demons fat...

Because they hate exorcising!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 47
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bcm929
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 22 2020
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