Looks like the Democrats are going for a fruit-based strategy

They're going with either impeachment or impairment.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hawkeye18
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Looks like the Democrats are now the party of β€œA. Blinken.”
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReepinItReal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Whether you are Democrat or Republican, I think we can all agree on one thing.

The election results have been un-presidented.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ethanol314
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to only pass gas on Democrats, but now I pass gas on Republicans too.

I guess that makes me bifartisan.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Trump accused the Democrats of rigging the election and breaking the law.

Joe replied β€œNever have I ever broken the law, I’ve always been a-Biden”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mackstagepass
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a democrat apply lotion?

By applying a liberal amount.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLonelyKerbal
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
In light of the recently release video of the democrats vs republicans asking why they are holding off the vote

What did the democrat say to the republican at the dinner?

Will you pass the bill already?!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moose_da_goose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bunch of Democrats in a pit?

An asshole.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GezzRoll
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
If the Democrats really believe global warming is a problem,

then why are they so obsessed with ABOLISHING ICE?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pixeladrift
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of beer do Democrats hate the most?

Mueller lite

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tstepko
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Democrats claiming counterfeit Viagra out of China is a danger to our democracy.

Apparently, they are trying to influence our erections.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Disco_Ninjas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I survey election habits of Democrats. My friend surveys election habits of Republicans.

We're poller opposites.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Democrats thought Republicans took the low road, so they took the highway.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spoiledbutawesome
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2016
🚨︎ report
Why are Democrats never right?

They’re left.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PostCucumber
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2017
🚨︎ report
What musical instruments do Democrats hate the most?

Trumpets.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rage-o-rama
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the Democratic House Representative say when asked how they were feeling today?

I'm peachy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shaunj656
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Ho ho ho!
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ajfoucault
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Democratic senators boycott the nomination of the new Supreme Court justice?

They just couldn’t Barrett.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BornOfAVegan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is β€œbeefstew” an unsafe password to use?

Because it’s not Stroganoff.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/peytonmi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a term for people like Trump

Evidently not two though

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Meemsouprice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The political climate is so polarizing these days that even Do, Re and Mi decided to form their own independent left leaning musical scale and vote Democratic.

When questioned they just stated they were now Anti Fa.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BLT5000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know the film β€œSpeed” had no director?

If it had direction, it would be called β€œVelocity”.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Divine_ICBM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If there’s a line of gay people, it’s not a straight line...

It’s an LGBT Queue

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Evanthekid16
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hobo4lifee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gambitK9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do Libras always vote for Democratic candidates?

They’re all Libra-rals

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mercolorecords
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do snowmen call their offspring?

Chill-dren

πŸ‘︎ 186
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Jesus make his Coffee?

Hebrews it.

πŸ‘︎ 579
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?

Finally a turn in the right direction.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattzlo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
After a heated argument, my kid shouted β€œJim Morrison was overrated”

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catmom81519
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn’t planet.

πŸ‘︎ 575
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

Atleast that's what she said in her diary.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__teju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandma is 80% Irish.

People call her Iris.

πŸ‘︎ 368
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If Joe biden becomes president,

the white house will become forbiden

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baalbaking58
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of pet likes hiking and democratic socialism?

Bernie’s mountain dog!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/strictlybalrogs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
British people be like I'm bri ish

It's because they drank the t

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

πŸ‘︎ 472
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the angriest nut?

Pissed-aschios.

πŸ‘︎ 145
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Heywood_Jablwme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I don’t understand how she can feel that way.

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rafwaf123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...

Just in case there's a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 209
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/laserspewpew_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...

Bartender says, β€œThat will be $20.20.”

πŸ‘︎ 296
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was told that my dad was pronounced dead

I can’t believe I’ve been saying it wrong my whole life

πŸ‘︎ 195
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?

There were repercussions.

πŸ‘︎ 191
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayingMantis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the lesbian pirate say during sex?

Scissor me timbers!

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/huntingclue47
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say β€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

β€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MuskIsAlien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.

But now I can look back and laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 211
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call paper you can’t trust?

A sketch pad

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I considered converting my wardrobe to house my board game collection, but was worried about losing clothing space.

It was trivial per suit.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PythagorasJones
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the republicans win in the game of euchre?

No matter what the democrats played, they always got Trumped!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vanillathunda1989
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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