Friends dad told me this one

Theres this Jewish man who has a son who leaves home and decides to convert to Christianity. He confides in his friend who goes β€œdude you’re not gonna believe this, my son did the same thing he left home, came back and was all of a sudden Christian.” They decided this problem was getting out of hand so they go see their Rabbi and ask him what to do. The Rabbi goes β€œyou’re not gonna believe this my son also left home and converted to Christianity. This is getting out of hand we have to talk to God”. So they go to God and tell him their stories about how Christianity is running rampant through their community and ask for his guidance. God says β€œGuys you’re not gonna believe this.”

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zzolpidem
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I feel the most confident telling chemistry jokes

I’m in my element when I do

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the confident whiteboard say to the dry erase marker?

I am remarkable!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/radioactivguy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is the dairy cow so confident wearing shorts?

Because she had a nice pair of calves.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HueyLameass
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to an electrician that has no confidence?

You con-du-it

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was interrogated by the police last week

They asked me "are you more of a skirt or a handbag?"

I thought about it for a second and confidently chose handbag.

"So you admit it! You're an accessory!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcemzy
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a confident and stylish, male fire ants?

Flamboyant

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doorbell28
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I named my eraser Confidence...

Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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When someone wants to end a conversation, they give confident directions

I know, right, well there you go

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...

"I have what it takes."

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I made this cake for my stats teacher who got engaged. Our class is confident the marriage will be for a lifelong interval.
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neat_one
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A knight with great confidence

Sir Tain

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrayonFox
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
After a world-renowned athlete lost an important match, his wife suggested that in the future he wear a pair of her panties in his shoes for good luck to boost his confidence.

He’s been undie-feeted ever since.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beeeeen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a confident kettle have

Self-e-steam

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gutted-melon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
no words..
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Ken, a master martial artist, was worried about winning his next fight. He asked his friend Ryu, "Do you think I can win this fight?" Ryu confidently responded:

"Shoryuken!"

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOtherAvaz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
If we named it 'The Confident System' then maybe we wouldn't be so nervous.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisismisspelled
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a confident rabbit?

A hoptimist.

(Credit to Netflix's Watership Down)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My toilet stopped working when it gained a little confidence.

It didn’t take shit from anyone!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TDowhan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
🚨︎ report
The Punner’s Prayer

Dear Lord as week seek to produce puns worthy of your praise, lettuce relish this opportunity. We ask that you would cause humor to sprout in the hearts of those who think us nuts. Continue to cultivate in us passion, fruit which beets back sadness and joy which leeks into others. Though some may say we are corny we know you will give us sage wisdom. Give us the confidence to know we are kale’in it as we bring choy to the world and live apply ever after.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cool-breeze7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was Merlin confident that no-one would steal his walking stick?

Because you can't get the staff.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minddoor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend failed to boost their confidence by making a rock garden.

They just could not grow boulder.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doogy650
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
🚨︎ report
My lamb used to be really confident.

You know, up until the point where he started getting sheepish.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimpleMastodon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I took my dad to a nice restaurant.

The hostess asked us if we had a reservation. Without missing, a beat my dad said, β€œNo, I am fully confident I want to eat here.β€œ

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EcksMarksDespot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been dealing with confidence issues, so I bought a sauna.

It's so I can give my self a steam.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkaic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
🚨︎ report
my wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

she's worked very hard and i know it's been difficult for her, but i'm very proud. she's in possibly the best shape of her life and she is once again confident in her own body, but i will endlessly love her despite what she looks like.

what, were you expecting me to say something about a baby?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad knows exactly where everything is located in the store.

I am impressed with his shelf confidence.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the man with no fingers have low self confidence?

Because he could never count on himself!

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InFactaPerson
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Why should you never share secrets in a room with a clock?

Time will tell

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimtrickington
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Why wasn't the judge confident?

Because of his law self esteem.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nickbyfate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a male Barbie doll who used to be in a frat and lost his self-confidence?

Bro-ken

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anondnow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2017
🚨︎ report
An electrician, a mecanician and an informatician are making a roadtrip

They're in a car in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, the car starts making noise and stops completely.

The electrician quickly says: it must be the spark plugs! I will take a look and change them.

The mecanician responds : no it's the transmission! I gotta jack the car and make sure the clutch is ok.

The informatician confidently asks: what if we just get out of the car and come right back in?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaWitcher1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Crushed self confidence.

I went to Chick-Fil-A with my dad and got a lemonade with my sandwich. We got to the window to pick up our food and he asked "could I get a straw for that lemonade? Because my son really sucks."

Well played, dad. Well played.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElMath3w
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Have you ever noticed...
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2017
🚨︎ report
A man and a woman are at a bar

A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.

Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"

Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.

The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.

Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"

Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."

She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"

He responds, "I shit you knot."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadeToDisagree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My computer said my password is insecure.

Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.

πŸ‘︎ 291
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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Scientists found that the nervous system doesn't actually exist.

It's just a lack of the confidence system.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeggiesForThought
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the sundial say to the calendar?

Your days are numbered

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doodle1221
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad and I went to a 5-star hotel. Hostess: Do you have reservations?

Dad: No, I am confident that I want to eat here

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrakeVader
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ethanholmes2001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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