A man was just attacked by someone holding a compass

He didn't know where to turn, before things went south.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IJustJason
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Why did the compass go to the doctor?

It had an East infection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/static612
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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What do you call an alligator with a compass?

A Navigator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/my_pp_small_but
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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The TSA detained a passenger in possession of a slide rule, compass and calculator...

They said he was carrying weapons of math instruction, and was a member of the Alge-bra movement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Using a compass to draw circles works great...

...but using a ruler? That is where I draw the line.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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My son has apparently bought me a compass after finding out I have dyslexia.

That's NEWS to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
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My fire chief proved he was a dad when I bought a Jeep Compass

"I like your new Jeep, but it's broken." I look at him confused. "It's in the parking lot pointing west. Shouldn't Compasses always point north?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krisphoto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2016
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Why did the explorer get lost when navigating with a compass?

He was bipolar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/airhogg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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If you get lost while driving a Jeep Compass

You’re a dumbass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jrbjordan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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I'll use a calculator, I'll use a protractor, I'll use an eraser, and I'll use a compass...

But a ruler? That's where I draw the line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nzsmartass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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It seems I can't find the border between Russia and Alaska using my compass.

I couldn't get my Bering Strait.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lansaman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TipCleMurican
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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I believed I followed True North on my compass

Turns out it was just an azi-myth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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What do you call a compass made of potatoes?

An orientater

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyTsunammi
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2017
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Have you guys checked the news today?

No rush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zjunkmale
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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What type of bird has the most compassion?

An owl, because they give a hoot!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fonz136
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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First Dad Joke from Daughter

We were going somewhere and my daughter asked which direction are we going. I said, who cares about the direction! She said, Compass Does.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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A police officer stops a guy carrying a backpack on suspicion of terrorism.

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack.

The guy obliges.

In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been caught carrying weapons of math instruction!"

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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I’m going to open a math tutoring business.

I’ll name it Limited Addition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entree_The_Giant
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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N S F W

Reads the secondhand compass I bought

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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My dad dropped this on me about two years ago. Just found this sub...my dad belongs here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trickiivickii
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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So I signed up for an orienteering course in a Polish resort...

It was in a dense forest, and the instructor was waiting for me when I arrived. I pulled out my compass, but he laughed and shook his head. "That won't work here, you know," he said, pointing at my compass. "What do you mean?" I asked, "This is an orienteering course, isn't it?" "Ja, it is an orienteering course, but you can a compass not use." I was very puzzled at this point, and I questioned, "Why?" "There are too many Poles."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rockybond
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2017
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Uncle got us

He was at my house and my cousin showed up with her new Jeep Compass - this detail is important.

So she shows up with it, and a few minutes later after showing it off, he goes "When you're in it, you can't get lost."

He's not a father either

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbertking1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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Dadjoked my dad!

We were getting some gear set up for a camping trip this weekend and it went kind of like this.

Dad: Make sure that your compass is working correctly.

Me: Ok I check it and it works. It's slightly off of true north by a couple of degrees, but that is common.

Dad: Does it work?

Me: Yes, to a degree

We both got a good chuckle out of that.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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