Clitoral erection Puns

I haven’t seen much info on it but when you get srs does the surgery include being able for your clitoris to get erect? I saw on Wikipedia supron does it but I’m not sure if it’s a standard procedure all around

Length and girth.

Possible? I'd read that erectile tissue was thrown away during vaginoplasty, but I'd also read that neovags could not self-lubricate, and behindthebikesheds' post seems to contradict that. So, I don't know what's real anymore.

Hi folks, this is actually one of these questions I have been afraid to ask, maybe its even a bit stupid. My gfs clitoris never realy swells up before and during sex. It only swells when she is about to orgasm(with the use of clitoral stimulation ofcourse).

Is this normal/healthy or does that mean that she actually isnt aroused during sex or could this be some kind of clitoral erectyle dysfunction?

Could this be because of the hormonal bc she is taking? I know it reduced her libido and made her a bit drier, but she used that bc and ignored the side effects for too long to remember how it was before bc and I dont have any experience with other girls. She stopped taking it a few weeks ago but so far nothing changed at all, thats why I'm worried.

Why YSK: Both male and female genitals have areas that need to be cleaned and areas that need to be left largely alone. Not cleaning can cause issues, infections, and smelly buildups. Cleaning too much, or in areas best left alone, can also cause issues and infections, and a bunch of other problems besides. Plus, your sexual partners will thank you for the proper care and hygiene.

Men, or people with a penis: If you're circumcised; wash your penis and testicles gently with a mild soap. Stay out of the urethra, especially with soap. Make sure you get into any skin folds where yeast and bacteria can build up. Please wash your balls, especially if you have anyone who hangs out down there sometimes. They get smelly, even if you don't notice. Generally though, you have the "ez clean" version of genitals.

If you're intact: same as above (and wash your balls!), only be sure to gently retract your foreskin and clean under and behind the ridge along your glans/head of penis. If you're through puberty and retracting your foreskin is difficult or painful, see a doctor about it, but keep trying to gently retract the foreskin and to clean out any buildup behind. Gentle retraction will usually eventually help loosen the foreskin and allow you to clean behind the glans.

If you're not through puberty, then you can try and start gently retracting your foreskin, but do not force it (and don't let any adults/doctors forcibly retract it either!). As you progress towards puberty, the foreskin will slowly separate from the glans of your penis. Forcibly retracting your foreskin can cause tears on the glans and in the skin. Until the foreskin and the glans have separated, buildup and bacteria can not get in behind (at least not to the same degree as they can after puberty). Cleaning gently with soap while trying to gently retract your foreskin as much as you comfortably can will allow you to clean it well enough while also gently stretching the foreskin.

Phimosis (the inability to fully retract the foreskin) is a thing that happens more than guys might realize and can lead to issues like a buildup of smegma under the foreskin and behind the glans, which can smell really bad. Or infections, such as balanitis (yep, that's the actual name) that can cause pain, swelling and discharge. Phimosis is common and easily treated, usually with a topical cream prescribed by your doctor, rarely with a minor surgical procedure, even more rarely with circumcision.

Women, or people wi

Hey ladies- How do you know if you’ve orgasmed or not? Does everyone have a similar feeling when they orgasm? As a a woman my body just never ever gets an arousal response where the blood flows and the vaginal area becomes engorged much like an erection it for females. It’s only ever happened once about 9 years or so ago and I’ve never been able to get my body to do that again.

Basically the tissue stays the same as when I’m showering or like it’s been my whole life day in and day out. Just as when I was a kid. Never changes down there.. but once it did. One time in 2012 I was rocking my baby to sleep and my husband was doing what he’s done many times before and since, he was sexting me letting me know he was horny. I had never felt horny in my life prior to that one night. Idk why but while rocking my son to sleep I became physically aroused and after I laid the baby down I went to inspect in the bathroom. My vaginal areas was throbbing, filled with heat and engorged with blood like 2-3 times the normal size.

The sensation to touch didn’t feel the same as it always had either. Normally it just feels like skin- same as when I’m washing myself as it is when wiping myself as it is during sex. Never any changes. This time is was life altering change and Pandora’s box was wide open and I suddenly felt a desire to be touched sexually and I was “horny” once I touched it! I’ve never had it happen since despite trying to figure it out or replicate it. With that said- how would I know if I had an orgasm? During oral sex or attempted masturbation the clitoral area will usually begin to get sensitive or even over stimulated feeling like it’s too much even if I try to avoid direct clit head stimulation.

Again I’m never aroused physically because my body can’t seem to figure out how to do that! Eventually the sensation grows to the point it becomes too sensitive or ticklish (best description is overly ticklish) to touch and thus whatever activity I was doing is over as it’s just far too sensitive to touch. Is that supposed to be an orgasm? Or is that normal before an orgasm? I compare it kind of to my husband… as that’s my only experience in witnessing someone orgasm… after he ejaculates his penis is ticklish to him to touch. But he has these jerking or convulsive like movements during the orgasm that last maybe a minute. He says it’s an obvious feeling and a sense of release. I don’t experience anything of that sort. Just sensitivity increasing until it’s too

I'm posting this to reassure you that you are never as bad as you think. I have zero sensation left. I have used clitoral suckers on full strength and not felt any pleasure. Other people on this sub are still capable of erections and moderate sensation, but I am not. I've had this condition for 2 years with zero windows of improvement. It has never gotten better. My entire pelvis was numb while on the medication. I'm not asking for help. Just read this and understand you have it better than me. You have the strength to fight this condition.

5 years married, 7 years together (27F/33M).

And never once has my husband gotten me even 10% of the way to an orgasm.

I’m exhausted. He’s given up, I’ve given up. We’ve done couples therapy, sex therapy, family therapy, open relationship.

With other issues too I just don’t know how this relationship can survive.

Tl;dr 7 year itch

ETA some FAQs Yes I can get myself off via clitoral stimulation in 10-15 minutes. This is with fingers. Very recently the clitoral air stimulator toy has worked decently well but various other toys (dildo, vibrator, hitachi wand) have never worked.

My husband is average size, no issues with erections. He usually cums from a hj and very infrequently sex.

He is minimally interested in foreplay. He will eat me out for about 2 minutes if I request/demand, and none otherwise. I have shown him how I masturbate and he does not follow my directions. I touch myself only over the hood and any time I bring this up he gets mad at me, but it’s overstimulating and uncomfortable to have my clit touched directly. Mutual masturbation usually leads to me giving up because I find he distracts me from pleasurable thoughts. We’ve tried for 30-40 minutes without success on several occasions, including with toys.

Yes we’ve tried different positions. I don’t really like cowgirl. I know that’s been mentioned. We both lean submissive and that position doesn’t really do anything for either of us. I know others mentioned rubbing clit during sex. Tried and it does nothing for me. I do squeeze my pelvic floor really tight when I masturbate so I can’t masturbate with anything inside me. No fingers. No toys. No dicks.

Yes I’ve checked hormone levels, including thyroid. I have hypothyroidism and am on the standard medication (levothyroxine). Recent labs say the medication works and thyroid is normal on it. I’ve tried other thyroid medication that had a lot of side effects such as heart palpatations and anxiety. Please no more discussion of me discontinuing my thyroid medication. This does not make sense. This issue was still present even before I started Levothyroxine treatment 4 years ago.

I’m on an antidepressant, bupropion. It does not have sexual side effects for me. I have trialed 9 other antidepressants without success, including some that caused issues with orgasms or inorgasmia. I do know what sexual side effects are, and this medication does not have any. I can have several orgasms per day without issue on it.

This isn’t an issue of no

Okay, so, a famous cliche line used to flirt with (cis)^(1) male noir detectives goes:

> Are you happy to see me, or is that a gun in your pocket?

The meaning of this line is that you - the Hot and Mysterious Client/Suspect/Witness - have such an effect on the detective (presumably due to being Hot and Mysterious) that he gets a full erection just from you seductively waddling in into his Poorly Lit Office, and the outline of said erection can be mistaken for the outline of the barrel of a gun, ie. something that every competent noir detective carries all the time.

This is all fine and dandy, and works just fine for my prospects of waddling in into offices of male noir detectives.

#However,

I have no idea what visible-arousal-based cliche joke I'm supposed to say if I Hotly and Mysteriously waddle into the Poorly Lit Office of a female noir detective, and she gets an erection.

I tried going further with the erection theme, and have considered:

> Are you happy to see me, or is that a Derringer in your pocket?

because "haha tiny gun"^(2) is always good, but supposedly only minority of women get a clitoral head big enough and clitoral erections hard enough to poke through jeans.

I have also considered

> Are you happy to see me, or did you spill crotch on your trousers?

but that would imply she's a sloppy drunk, and not a badass professional as in the male line.

And there's also

> Are you happy to see me, or are your nipples freezing because you haven't paid the heating bill, you impoverished fuckup who can't close a case, you flummoxed buffoon, you absolute idiot, you incurable nincompo-

but, again, it doesn't carry the implicit praise of the male version, and I'm not entirely sure if people nipples actually get hard when they're aroused or is that another shitty myth about female biology, AND I think I sound a bit like I'm about to send her to detention for the crime of having "female presenting nipples" in "our good Christian school"?

#So,

any ideas?

^(1) I'm going to be using a "silent cis" in the rest of the post.
I'm leaving out trans people for the obvious reason that the combination of no-op vs. post-op and no-bottom-dysphoria vs. oh-so-much-bottom-dysphoria and various unpredictable effects of HRT on erectile functions, means your genital-based flirting is a highly individualis

I just found this community and it’s very refreshing to find people that won’t just think I’m bragging about size and take my issue seriously. I’ve wanted to ask someone about this for over a year because it has been very detrimental to our sex life, but my gf hasn’t been able to see her gyno due to health insurance problems, so maybe y’all can finally help us out.

I don’t know if tearing is the right word and I’ve never taken a close look at the issue, but my gf will 3/4ths of the time say after sex that her vagina is bleeding again and she describes it as a small tear on the inside of the vagina near the surface. And that it’s always the same spot on the same side. We usually give it 2-3 weeks to heal up before attempting penetration again.

We always use lube. The issue has certainly lessened since we started using lube. We had both always used condoms before each other, but I had trouble staying erect with them and had only had sex a handful of times in my life and her previous partner was much smaller. We discovered lube was our friend and always use lots of it. The water based lube got sticky after a while so we switched to silicone for everything except when we use rubber toys. We generally reapply every 15-20 minutes or so. We haven’t tried an oil based lube because I can never find them at Walgreens or cvs.

We generally start with around 30 minutes of foreplay with no penetration because penetration is painful for her, especially starting out. We always go super slow. The initial penetration takes several minutes and after that we take it extra slow for several minutes. We both orgasm better on top, so she takes a turn on top first and when she’s satisfied I’ll go on top and we’re usually done within an hour of penetration. I’ll use plastic toys for clitoral stimulation if we want to get done sooner and I think those shorter sessions result in tearing less frequently.

If anyone has any advice, I would love to hear it.

For those who tend toward TLDR, please skip to the last 3 paragraphs.

I’ve been lurking on this sub and the LL sub for many months now. I’ve been reading the posts and I’ve also read the book The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual. But I still feel very lost. Here is the story, it’s complicated:

My wife and I met in our late teens and married after dating for over a year. She was molested by her brother (8 years older) from age 5 to 10. She’s told me this when I asked her to marry me. We talked about about one every 2-5 years.

I’m the HL in our marriage of 40 years. In general, the first 10 years of our marriage we had sex very regularly, but she rarely initiated. I would not claim to a great lover, but I try to pay attention to her needs and wants. Frankly, she was my first real sex partner and I had to learn it mostly own, since she was embarrassed to instruct about her preferences. So I did a lot of reading and regularly performed oral sex that was the cause of most of her orgasms. She would occasionally orgasm by coitus alone, usually when she was on top. She said she enjoyed sex even when she did not orgasm.

We had three children during this period, in years 2, 5, and 10. They took a toll on our intimacy, but we seemed to find time for each other.

In total, over these first 10 years, she initiated sex about every 6 - 12 months, and could never explain why it happened or did not happen.

In the second, third, and first 5 years of the 4th decade of our marriage, her libido was strongly impacted by a full hysterectomy, caused by endometriosis. It impacted her in several ways: it became more difficult to orgasm (she’s says her orgasms were largely in her uterus); her only orgasms were oral or due to clitoral stimulation; she lost lubrication; she lost interest. We still had sex regularly, but it became more infrequent though she was usually available even if she wasn’t interested. Often she enjoyed the experience even though she wasn’t interested, but often it seemed like something she did just for me. During this time, intercourse became slowly more painful for her; eventually it got to the point that coitus was often not possible. She never was a big giver of oral sex so she would help me finish with her hands.

During the third decade, we both went to regular psychological counseling and found that to be very helpful to our marriage, which did spill over into the bed. It was during this time that she talked to the therapist about her brother and he

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

I’ll be 40 next year and have been in an amazing marriage for 16 years. I have never been able to orgasm alone much less with my husband who has tried tirelessly to stimulate me for even hours before. One time in my whole life I actually felt aroused in the sense of blood flow and a female erection and that happened when I was rocking my infant to sleep (hormones were still adjusting after the baby) and it was the first time I realized that arousal is a real thing for women where the labia and clitoris swell with blood, gain heat, and even throb. The one time that happened it throbbed for like 2 hours. I ran to the bathroom to see what was going on! Everything felt so different and hypersensitive and definitely sexual or a desire to be touched. Usually touching my vaginal area or clitoris feels the same when I’m just washing myself as it does when having sex. That arousal experience has never happened again despite our efforts to arouse me mentally and physically. I never have dirty thoughts or fantasies and when I’ve tried they feel very forced.. like I’m trying way too hard to make myself have one. Same for audio or visual- those things just don’t do anything for me. I’m a nurse so I see nakedness on the daily and seeing other naked people acting just is like watching animals hump. 😂 It just doesn’t do anything for me and I’ve only tried because of course that’s everyone’s recommendation. I’ve tried vibratory and of course lubes through the years but they just make me get almost painfully numb. I think it’s because I am unable to get aroused where the blood swells and engorged the area making it feel sensitive instead of like just regular skin. I’ve spoken to my gynecologist several times who have ran hormone testing and evaluated my anatomy and everything is always normal and they always recommended more foreplay—- but we’ve don’t years of 1-2hr long sessions of foreplay and clitoral stimulation and I’ve still never gotten aroused much less an orgasm. The common experience I have is that sometimes (maybe 35-40%) the oral stimulation will build like it’s going to maybe do something but then becomes instantly too ticklish to be stimulated. We’ve tried easing off and going back at it (aka “edging”) but it always has the same result. And even easing off will sometimes make it all go away completely which took 40-50 min to even get there. It’s not an orgasm but rather it becomes super sensitive or maybe numbed out but in a ticklish way. It’s enjoyable about

The doctor says it terminal.

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

Do your worst!

How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Mathematical puns makes me number

We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

He lost May

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

And now I’m cannelloni

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

And boy are my arms legs.

Put it on my bill

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

Hey ladies- How do you know if you’ve orgasmed or not? Does everyone have a similar feeling when they orgasm? As a a woman my body just never ever gets an arousal response where the blood flows and the vaginal area becomes engorged much like an erection it for females. It’s only ever happened once about 9 years or so ago and I’ve never been able to get my body to do that again. Basically the tissue stays the same as when I’m showering or like it’s been my whole life day in and day out. Just as when I was a kid. Never changes down there.. but once it did. With that said- how would I know if I had an orgasm? During oral sex or attempted masturbation the clitoral area will usually begin to get sensitive or even over stimulated feeling like it’s too much. Eventually the sensation grows to the point it becomes too sensitive or ticklish to touch and thus whatever activity I was doing is over as it’s just far too sensitive to touch. Is that supposed to be an orgasm? Or is that normal before an orgasm? I compare it kind of to my husband… as that’s my only experience in witnessing someone orgasm… after he ejaculates his penis is ticklish to him to touch. But he has these jerking or convulsive like movements during the orgasm that last maybe a minute. I don’t experience anything of that sort. Just sensitivity increasing until it’s too sensitive and I have to stop because it’s overly ticklish… and can even feel numbed out or something. If I try to keep going it’s just uncomfortable almost in a painful way. Like when someone tickles you too long that it just begins to hurt. Are there any women who understand anything I’m talking about can give me I formation on what to do to fix this? I am assuming the lack of physical arousal (despite all my best efforts for years) may be the reason nothing except ticklish feelings happen? Can you orgasm without arousal? I bought one of those womanizers to try but it does the same thing. It makes me get super sensitive and ticklish to the point I can’t continue beyond that. But it just goes from sensitive to more and more sensitive to then ticklish. Like something is supposed to happen but never does…. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ 😢