She's penny wise

Lou Costello: Thereā€™s only one problem with our romance; Sheā€™s penny wise.

Bud Abbott: Marilynā€™s penny wise?

Lou Costello: Yeah, I ainā€™t got a penny and sheā€™s wise to it!

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šŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costelloā€™sĀ radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if Iā€™d have been wearing a license plate, heā€™d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen ā€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother ā€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, Iā€™m not talking about that. What is the dogā€™s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, ā€¦
Lou Costello: Thatā€™s it, Abbott! Heā€™s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editorā€™s note: we now call an ā€œiceboxā€ a ā€œrefrigeratorā€)

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šŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Abbott and Costello meet Microsoft Windows

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Whoā€™s on first?" might have turned out something like this:

Bud Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Lou Costello: Thanks. Iā€™m setting up an office in my den and Iā€™m thinking about buying a computer.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: No, the nameā€™s Lou.

Bud Abbott: Your computer?

Lou Costello: I donā€™t own a computer. I want to buy one.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: I told you, my nameā€™s Lou.

Bud Abbott: What about Windows?

Lou Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Bud Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Lou Costello: I donā€™t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Bud Abbott: Wallpaper.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/abbott-and-costello-meet-microsoft-windows/

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šŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Loan me 50 dollars

One of the classic Ā Abbott and Costello Ā routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. Ā The skit ends with a simple ā€˜read my mindā€™ routine that takes Louā€™s last remaining bill. Ā This routine was done Ā many Ā times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I canā€™t. I canā€™t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I canā€™t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and youā€™ll owe me 10 Ā 
Lou Costello: Ok, Iā€™ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: Thatā€™s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: Thatā€™s right. Ā [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Donā€™t change the subject.
Lou Costello: Iā€™m not changing the subject; youā€™re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, thereā€™s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: Iā€™m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I donā€™t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: Thatā€™s the way you feel about it, thatā€™s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and youā€™ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: Iā€™m not running in, youā€™re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I canā€™t help it if you canā€™t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, hereā€™s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, wonā€™t loan a pal $50.

... keep reading on reddit āž”

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šŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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You're 40, she's 10

Youā€™re 40, sheā€™s 10 ā€“ A classic Ā Abbott and CostelloĀ skit, where Ā Bud AbbottĀ tries to play a prank on Ā Lou Costello, only for Lou to use his clownish math skills.

Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Youā€™re 40 years old and youā€™re in love with this little girl thatā€™s 10 years old. Youā€™re four times as old as that girl and you couldnā€™t marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): All right- youā€™re 40 years-old, youā€™re four times as old as this girl, and you canā€™t marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girlā€™s 15 and youā€™re 45. Youā€™re only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, youā€™re at 60. Youā€™re only twice as old as that little girl.
šŸ“·****Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheā€™s catching up.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Yes, yes. Now hereā€™s the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Now what kinda question is that? Thatā€™s ridiculous!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): If I wait for that girl sheā€™ll pass me up. Sheā€™ll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheā€™ll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): ā€¦I was nice enough to wait for her!

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šŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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Dyeing Routine

A classic Abbott and CostelloĀ routine from their radio show ā€“ where Bud Abbott is talking about his Uncle Herman who works in a dye factory, and Lou Costello confuses ā€œdyeingā€ for ā€œdyingā€

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šŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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Hertz U Drive

The classic "Hertz U-Drive" skit by Abbott & Costello - "Bud Abbott:Ā You donā€™t understand!! Itā€™s Hertz U drive

Lou Costello:Ā Well, if it hurts,Ā youĀ drive"

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šŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Two Tens for a Five

A classic Ā Abbott and CostelloĀ routine, from their first movie, Ā One Night in the Tropics, where Ā Bud AbbottĀ shows that heā€™s not above running a quick scam on his friend, Ā Lou Costello, in order to make a few dollars.

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šŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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