My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun.

Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar

A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."

πŸ‘︎ 329
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Orion's belt?

It was such a big waist of space.

Sorry.. I know terrible joke. You can leave a 3 star review.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DitMasterGoGo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
So two wind turbines are standing in a field when one asks the other β€˜what kind of music do you like?’

The second replies β€˜I’m a big metal fan’

Courtesy of my 10 year old!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the paddle sale at The Boat Store?

It was a big Oar deal.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacq1987
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the windmill say to the tornado?

"Honestly, I'm a big fan!"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife suggested I do lunges as an exercise to get fitter during quarantine.

That sounds ...like a big step.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
This year's Fibonacci Convention was a great success.

It was as big as the last two combined!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdb12345
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the St Vincent volcano?

It was a big ash explosion

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JacksonDirk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a giant racist clown?

A big IT

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Turntable
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I’ve decided to open a museum dedicated to bracelets that happen to be magnetic.

Hopefully it will be a big two-wrist attraction.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of the giant shoe tower?

I heard it was a big feet of engineering

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I was stuck in a traffic jam...

It still amazes me how they get the jars that big.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Women were not allowed inside the temple...

... unless they put their big-girl pantheon.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
You know, out West they're started to ban those big round bales of hay you see in that field over there..

.... The cows aren't getting three square meals a day.

(Also, to those who tell dad jokes at every opportunity, I really appreciate you. As a person who grew up without the joy of a pops embarrassing me with terrible jokes, I was always bewildered by the stereotype. Recently though, I've been taking a microeconomics course I was dreading having to take and my professor has "big econ dad" energy. There's a joke every few minutes in his lectures and they give me the energy to keep going. You are appreciated. Even if your kids, spouse, partner, friends, strangers groan at you, undoubtedly someone out there really appreciates your goofiness).

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plantborb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, β€œAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Won an award for growing the biggest pickle in the state.

It’s kinda a big dill.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I really like Switzerland

and the flag is a big plus too.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CubingWithAlex
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I own a XXL deck of cards

I'm a big deal around here.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aggressive_Pear
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a big plus....

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I've been accused of stealing other people's jokes

This post says otherwise

Edit: Wow someone gave me my first plat! As thanks, I'd steal make a post that says it all but this has already been posted before

Edit 2: thank you for the gold and silver!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe!

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
So there was this zookeeper...

(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)

Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.

The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.

On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.

The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...

"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.

"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"

Badum tssss! Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FananaBartman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw a pair of watermelons getting married

It was a pretty big wedding. As it turns out, melons cantaloupe.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I was out shopping and dropped my glass of pickles

I called for the janitor and told him it was kind of a big dill

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."

Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"

πŸ‘︎ 403
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy walked into my shop.

"I'm looking for quite a big tub of hand gel," he said.

"Here's one," I showed him, "this is 250ml."

He said, "Wow, that's far too expensive."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
It snowed 8" last night - took me an hour to shovel the driveway.

It was snow big deal.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whaletale48
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What's a windmill's favorite genre of music

They're big metal fans

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImPickleRickFunny
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
How to catch an elephant

Dig a big hole, Fill it with ashes, Sprinkle peas on top, When the elephant goes to take a pea, Kick it in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Advaldinho
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I regret going vegan

It was a big missed steak

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
"Do you know what?"

My kids have gotten to saying this a bunch, so now I reply like a dad...

"Oh ya! We went to the same New Year's party once."

"Sure! He makes the best crab dip."

"Big beard? Lousy tipper?"

"The tattoo guy?"

"Biblically."

"Gave him a 5-star Uber review."

"He was the best man at my wedding."

"I think I owe him $20."

"The bouncer at the club!? How do YOU know him?"

"Doesn't he work at the bakery next to PetSmart?"

"I heard he once punched a cop and broke his nose!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uncorked119
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Chicken watching cartoons pun

I know you big beautiful bastards can help me think of something. Could any of you make a pun about chickens watching cartoons or kids shows

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bman9864
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you wanna know what kind of music windmills listen to?

They're big metal fans.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tristanator5100
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Optimist: "That cup is half full."

Pessimist: "That cup is half empty." Engineer: "Why are we making the cups so big?"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikethelabguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell a butter joke

But the margarine for error was too big

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow....

....and I'm terrified that the chute might not open.

Last time something that big crashed onto Earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
After eating alphabet soup....

....the next time I pooped I had a vowel movement. But I'm a bit worried that all the other letters still haven't come out. It's been a while now so I went to see my doctor. He said it wasn't a big deal. I was just a little consonantipated.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nyccfan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s big green and lumpy?

A big green lump.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blue-Ranger1982E
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm..one turns to the other and says β€œwhat’s your favorite kind of music?”

He replied β€œI’m a big metal fan!”

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maniamadd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know. But the flag is a big plus.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YEET_The_Cuber
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
these two wind turbines were standing in the field talking. one says to the other, "what kind of music do you like?" the reply...

"I'm a big metal fan"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/niftyww
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ndngroomer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the most positive thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wessdude79
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Best thing about immigrating to Switzerland?

Well for starters the flag is a big plus...

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report

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