I found what looked like a kitten frozen in my iced-over pool. I dug it out and let it defrost, it turned out to be a big squirrel.

I thought I thaw a pussycat.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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I was asked why I like big breasts.

I always believed that it's the mammary that counts.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Apollo1366
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat

especially when it's on cruise control

๐Ÿ‘︎ 159
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/slackbladerered
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks out there...

... For keeping me off the streets.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 31
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/irishfowler
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 18 2019
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I've always like bananas, in fact, I'm a big fan of bananas.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Flapjack_Ace
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
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I named my big cat Dan because he likes small weed-like flowers

Dan de lion

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_otterinabox
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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[Metal] I steel think tha tin most of these posts, the comments lead straight into puns. I'm not a big fan, it seems like a copper out.

But thi silvery from one post to the next.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bilbowtech
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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I would like to give you all a big thank you too

[THANK YOU] ( http://i.myniceprofile.com/1496/149648.gif )

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Paleran
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
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"Do you know what?"

My kids have gotten to saying this a bunch, so now I reply like a dad...

"Oh ya! We went to the same New Year's party once."

"Sure! He makes the best crab dip."

"Big beard? Lousy tipper?"

"The tattoo guy?"

"Biblically."

"Gave him a 5-star Uber review."

"He was the best man at my wedding."

"I think I owe him $20."

"The bouncer at the club!? How do YOU know him?"

"Doesn't he work at the bakery next to PetSmart?"

"I heard he once punched a cop and broke his nose!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/uncorked119
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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A guy has a rough day and stops at Dickโ€™s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that heโ€™s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. โ€œWhat IS that?โ€ โ€œThatโ€™s my signature almond daiquiriโ€, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him itโ€™s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that heโ€™s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, โ€œThatโ€™s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!โ€ And Dick says, โ€œNo, itโ€™s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!โ€.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/5YearApril
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.โ€
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/specklesinc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/m_bowker-brown
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine, and she said, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you try lunges?โ€

I said, โ€œThat...sounds like a big step.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 176
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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My neighbor drones on and on about his notoriously unreliable Swedish sports car...

It seems like a great big Saab story to me.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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I never understood how people like canned fish...

Seems like a big Fish Steak.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/reddmike98
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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Apparently a bunch of comedians are making their own beer at the local pub.

I don't know, sounds like a big brewhaha to me.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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My friend from high school became an engineer or something.

He would design vehicles and stuff like no other.

One day he called me and said he had a very special design planned for his next vehicle.

So I asked him: "What's the big design you're working on?"

He said: "Its a secret. You'll find out later."

A few months later, he sends me a picture of this amazing motorbike that's entirely made of wood and nothing else. I called him back and told him I really liked it and if I could ride it.

He replied in a deep and depressing voice: "You can't I'm sorry. I threw it away."

I asked him why he threw away such a masterpiece he worked so hard to make.

He replied: "I tried everything..... But it just wooden start!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_joshi_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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My girlfriend's ex was a clown.

Looks like I've got some pretty big shoes to fill.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rav4xle
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/facts_my_guyy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Dadโ€™s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didnโ€™t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I donโ€™t trust them, theyโ€™re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me heโ€™s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. Iโ€™m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as Iโ€™m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lovethebigones
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! ๐Ÿ”

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EmElleGee31
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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My 7yo cousin told my dad this joke yesterday:

Context: Yesterday my dad and I were cruising around doing some father's day bonding. We see a big grassy field with some trees in it and he says, "That looks like a great place to play frisbee." I respond, "And an even better place to play frisbee golf!" (A game we made up where you throw frisbees around trees)

My cousin was quietly playing on her iPad when she responds, "That's hockey."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lindsbo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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You know Orionโ€™s Belt?

Big waist of space, huh?

Didnโ€™t like that joke? Thatโ€™s okay. tโ€™s only got 3 stars.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 206
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SirCEWaffles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 57
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OK_Compooper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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So I was looking to get some weed the other day...

So I was looking to get some weed the other day, and I asked my buddy if he had any recommendations since I wasn't really feeling like hitting a bong or joint. My buddy he suggests dabs, said he had a buddy named Yaba who sold good stuff. I wasn't convinced since I'm not a big user. But he assured me it would be great. He tells me "A Yaba-Dab-will-do-ya"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Itchy_Horse
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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Dads United

The approval rating of dad jokes in my household has fallen farther and harder than Hans off Nakatomi in my household of late. Not to be a big baby, but it's been really disheartening for me.

We all know our dad jokes can get tiring and annoying; that's part of the point. True masters carefully toe the line between just enough and too much, and to great effect. We do it because we genuinely want to bring joy to those around us with almost child-like mirth.

Not be able to share that with my family lately has been disappointing.

But coming to this sub warms my heart. So thank you to all of you here.

I am very grateful. #obligatoryset-up;)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sherwoodsteele
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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A grizzly bear walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar and says โ€œBartender iโ€™d like a whiskey........................and cokeโ€

โ€œSure thingโ€ says the bartender โ€œbut, why the big pauseโ€?

The bear puts his paws in the air and says โ€œoh, Iโ€™ve had these all my lifeโ€.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/plmcalli
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose deanโ€™s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

โ€œAb rack and dab rackโ€

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magicianโ€™s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked โ€œbirthday,โ€ and said:

โ€œPick a card, any cardโ€

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay thatโ€™s it. Iโ€™m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nsk09003
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DylanTheG999
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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My wife wanted me to skip my friendโ€™s bbq to go to a play with her

Seems like a big missed-steak

๐Ÿ‘︎ 42
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/alphaw0lf212
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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fan

Don't like small rotating blades.

Not a big fan

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Prestigious_Flow
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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A car cruising down a rural country suddenly backfires.

As the engine sputters and shuts down the woman driving the car steers toward a nearby driveway and honks the horn hoping to get the attention of a guy herding cattle in the distance. Sure enough within a minute the man has ridden his horse over to her. He dismounts and gives a happy โ€œHello! Sounds like youโ€™re having some car trouble. Can I help at all?โ€ The woman replies that sheโ€™s not sure what happened but that she would love some help. They pop the hood and the man says he thinks he can fix the problem but has to run back to his barn to get some tools. The cows have come to see whatโ€™s going on and as the farmer gets ready to leave he says โ€œDonโ€™t worry about your car. Iโ€™ll have it running in a few minutes. Just head over there to the shade of the tree by the fence. The cows are all friendly. Bessy there likes to have her ear rubbed, Albert likes to look at people, and Mare will just moo a grand ole tune.โ€ All of it is true and within 20 minutes the woman is happily sitting in her car with the engine running better than before. โ€œThank you so much, youโ€™re a life saver,โ€ she says. The man smiles and lets out a big laugh before saying โ€œIโ€™m glad I could help. But Iโ€™m no life saver. Iโ€™m just a jolly rancher.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/foyeldagain
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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I once had a job in a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, Iโ€™d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasnโ€™t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept running into a problem. I wasnโ€™t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - Iโ€™d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesnโ€™t look bad, etc. But one of the guys whoโ€™d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.

Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CoyoteTheFatal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really donโ€™t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you donโ€™t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you donโ€™t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, โ€Donโ€™t be a fool, stay in school!โ€

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

โ€˜Punโ€™ puns donโ€™t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

Iโ€™ll do algebra. Iโ€™ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Donโ€™t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you donโ€™t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zmanofdoom95
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2019
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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, โ€œSorry about that. Iโ€™m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.โ€

The young guy says, โ€œThatโ€™s okay. Itโ€™s a coincidence. Iโ€™m looking for my wife, too. I canโ€™t find her and Iโ€™m getting a bit anxious.โ€

The old guy says, โ€œWell maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, โ€œShe is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and sheโ€™s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?โ€

The old guy says, โ€œDoesn't matter, letโ€™s look for yours.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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A big thank you to "Dad jokes."

As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!

I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.

Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Junglejimirish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costelloโ€™sย radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if Iโ€™d have been wearing a license plate, heโ€™d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen โ€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother โ€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, Iโ€™m not talking about that. What is the dogโ€™s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, โ€ฆ
Lou Costello: Thatโ€™s it, Abbott! Heโ€™s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editorโ€™s note: we now call an โ€œiceboxโ€ a โ€œrefrigeratorโ€)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Five years old and ready to be a dad

I was walking my son to kindergarten today and he saw an anthill. He asked what it was like inside, so I told him that it's a bunch of tunnels, like a big ant city. Without missing a beat, he said "so, like... Ant Francisco?" and gave me a cheesy smile.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/confibulator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 15 2017
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I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks.

For keeping me off the streets

๐Ÿ‘︎ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anthonybrose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ihasanali
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you try lunges?โ€

I said, โ€œI donโ€™t know. That seems ....like a big step.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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You know Orion's Belt?

Big waist of space, huh.

Don't like that joke?

That's okay, it's only got three stars.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CriminalLostBoy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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I asked my wife ideas for an exercise routine, and she said, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you try lunges?โ€

I said, โ€œThat sounds....like a big step.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/verybadjuju
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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