If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
What does Wonder Woman do before she goes to bed?
Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed ?
Because, it would blow his cover.
I replaced our bed with a king-sized trampoline.
When she finds out, my wife is going to hit the roof.
(On The Spot Joke) My Partner was in bed cracking her back and asked.....
“Hey can you hear my back crack”
I replied “yea can you hear my ass crack” then proceeded with the filthiest fart known to man
Absolute crack up. Hahahahahah even she laughed
One of my friends slipped in the bed of his truck and knocked himself out....
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed....
Friend: “You told me you were interesting, but you’re literally always in bed”
Me: “I said I was INTO RESTING!”
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed.
It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.
I overheard my wife complaining to her friends that I don’t last long enough in bed.
So I started taking melatonin. It helps.
What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to bed?
MY DAUGHTER KEPT COMPLAINING FOR DAYS ABOUT A MONSTER UNDER HER BED
So I drank it and told her to stop hiding cans😤
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed,
Your nose is touching the ceiling
Why did bicycle go to bed early? Because it was two-tired
How do you make a water bed bouncier?
What does the hulk wear to bed?
I tuck my suitcase into bed at night.
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed....
....by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.
The key to falling asleep quickly is to sleep at the edge of the bed.
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
Seven dwarves were all in bed, feeling Happy.
When Happy got out, they all felt Grumpy !!
why did Jim Band shit the bed???
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself
Where the heck is the ceiling?
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
My 3 yr old just cracked me up with this joke as I was putting him to bed
Why did the tree moo?
Because there was a cow stuck in it!
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
What was Pinocchio doing in bed?
I knew a man who worked in restaurants his entire life. On his death bed, he told me he regretted that he never left to follow his dreams..
It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
Every dad going to bed after midnight:
Come on, honey. We haven't done it all year!
My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed....
Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?
Because it would blow his cover
What does Jeff Bezos always do before he goes to bed ?
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
I told my daughter to go to bed because the cows are sleeping. She asked what’s that go to do with anything..
I said it’s because it’s pasture bedtime.
How do you make your water bed bouncy?
What does a CIA agent do when he goes to bed ?
What does Jeff Bezos do every night before bed?
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
