Two guys walk into a bar. "Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, he aw ... he aw ... he always calls me donkey"
The bar I work in refuses to sponser a specific student society anymore. Manager says they come in, only buy one drink each, and then and then take all night to drink it.
Thing is they're the nursing students.
What bar does one go to when one travels outside planet earth ?
two whales walk into a bar. One says to the other: “OOOOOOOOOOuuuuuuueeeeeooooooooooyyeeeeooooouuuuuuuuuueeooooooooOOOOOOEUUUIooooooOOO𝕠𝕠𝕠𝕦𝕦ⓄⓄⓄⓄⓊⓊⓊⓊo͜͡o͜͡ŏ̈ŏ̈ŏ̈ȗ̈🄾🄾🄾🄾🅾︎🇴 🇴 🇴 ㄖo̥ͦo̥ͦo҉o҉o҉u҈u҈u̸o⃠o⃠u̺͆u̺͆o̺͆o͎o͎u͎o͎ዐሁዐo̶u̶” the other whale looks over and says
A weasel walks into a bar one time. The bartender says "wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, “Ew! What is this?!”. The bartender replied:
“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H₂O. The other man says: "I'll have H₂O, too."
[sciency] two men walked walked into a bar, one ordered plain H2O and the other said ‘H2O too please’
Needless to say, the Second one died
you know that one bar where people line up to punch you?
Yeah thats it. Thats the Punchline.
Two whales walk in to a bar. One of them is like, "hmhmhnnnngnbrmuh"
And the other one is like, "Man, Steve, go home. You are drunk!"
Two guys walk into a bar. One guy says "I'll have H2O."
The other guy says "I'll have H2O, too," drinks it, and dies.
A chemist walks into a bar and finds one of his friends in his usual spot. The chemist asks his friend to move to a different seat. His friend, says, “I suppose you’ve displaced me.” The chemist smiles and is about to say something but stops for a moment then says,
“I was going to make a chemistry joke but I was afraid you wouldn’t react.”
A bear goes to the bar and says "can I get one whiskey..................and one coke"
The bartender asked "why the big pause"
The bear replies "I was born with them"
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
Two mushroom walk into a bar. One says to to the other "hey can i buy you a drink"
the other say " AHHHH, A TALKING MUSHROOOM!!!!"
A man on a business trip went into a singles bar, approached two women, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm...and collected.
Well, this one hit the bar
I went to a bar and there was a group of people in a queue ready to swing off on me one after the other...
That was the punch line..
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H₂O. The other man says: "I'll have H₂O, too."
The bartender, having neither Hydrogen Peroxide nor the inability to understand contextual requests, gives both men a glass of water.
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other “Dang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, “Are you sure?”
Two men are going down the street, one runs into a bar..
Pluto walked into a bar and came out without paying the bill...no one could see him escape since he's...
3 strings were walking one night and the stopped in front of a bar. 1st string was thirsty, so he goes in, and asked for a beer. The bartender said, "Get out! I don't serve strings!" So the string sadly leaves. 2nd string called the 1st a wimp. He goes in and demands to be served!
But the bartender was firm.
"Get out of here! I don't serve strings!"
The 2nd string sadly leaves.
The 3rd string said, "Both of you are dumb. Watch this!"
And so he frays himself, and ties himself into a knot. He went in, and asked for a beer.
The bartender eyed him suspiciously.
"Are you a string?" the bartender asked.
"Nope!" said the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"
(Quite the yarn, eh?) 😉
One guy walks into a bar. Then another, and another
You'd think one of them would see it coming
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
One guy walks into a bar
The other one says "Thats going to leave a mark"
I'm at a bar on Halloween and one of the bar tenders it's wearing a hardhat, coveralls, and goggles...
I ponted at him and shouted "he can't be here, he's a miner!" My friend acctually covered his face in shame.
Okay so two whales walk into a bar. One whale goes “ARRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO” (whale sound)
The other one goes “Shut up Phil you’re drunk”
All the letters of the alphabet walk into a bar. Why does only one of them get a drink?
Because the bartender keeps saying, “Can I get U anything?”
Two rich dudes were hanging out in a bar. One said to the other, "Hey, you wanna come to my square island?"
The other responded "Four shore!"
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road and walked into a bar.....
Then I realised my whole life was a joke.
Mortician walks into a bar and asks for a stiff one...
Bartender says: "he's in booth six"
My dad really raised the bar on this one..
> In a group text with my parents and siblings
Me: Ok all, weekly joke: What is the highest form of flattery?
...
Dad: A plateau?
Me: That's correct! Great job dad :).
[The joke was supposed to end here]
Mom: I don't get it..
Dad: Well then you must be in a canyon because it's over your head!
All: LOL!!
Two guys walked into a bar... the third one ducked
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: Now that’s an order of magnitude!
I had one night stand with a girl I met at a bar. Now she's gone.
And she took the night stand with her.
Three law students walked into the BAR. One passed.
Two pirates walk into a bar, one of them is wearing glasses shaped like little boats. Bartender says " whats with the boat shaped glasses?". Pirate says" I like everything to be ship shape".
A mate and I were at a bar one night, when...
... half a dozen mean-looking tough and muscly guys approached us. The biggest of them said to me in a rough voice, "You're at our table. Get lost. Now."
My mate whispered to me, "Just pretend we're the police".
I thought this was a great idea. But >!I only got halfway through the first line of "Roxanne" before they started beating the crap out of us!<
A guy walks into a bar with two bananas, one in each ear
The bartender asks, "What's with the bananas?"
The guy responds, "What?"
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "One whiskey and ................... one coke.
"Why the big pause?" - says the bartender.
"I don't know. I was born with them" - says the bear.
Two men walks into a bar , One orders H2O second one orders H2O too .
Two atoms walk into the bar. One atom says I think I lost an electron.
The other says... Are you positive?
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
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