Two guys walk into a bar. "Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, he aw ... he aw ... he always calls me donkey"
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Oct 05 2022
The bar I work in refuses to sponser a specific student society anymore. Manager says they come in, only buy one drink each, and then and then take all night to drink it.
Thing is they're the nursing students.
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︎ Dec 06 2022
What bar does one go to when one travels outside planet earth ?
๐︎ 5
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︎ Dec 24 2022
two whales walk into a bar. One says to the other: โOOOOOOOOOOuuuuuuueeeeeooooooooooyyeeeeooooouuuuuuuuuueeooooooooOOOOOOEUUUIooooooOOO๐ ๐ ๐ ๐ฆ๐ฆโโโโโโโโoอกอoอกอoฬฬoฬฬoฬฬuฬฬ๐พ๐พ๐พ๐พ๐
พ๏ธ๐ด ๐ด ๐ด ใoอฆฬฅoอฆฬฅoาoาoาuาuาuฬธoโ oโ uอฬบuอฬบoอฬบoอoอuอoอแแแoฬถuฬถโ the other whale looks over and says
๐︎ 162
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︎ Jul 13 2022
A weasel walks into a bar one time. The bartender says "wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
๐︎ 120
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︎ May 28 2022
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, โEw! What is this?!โ. The bartender replied:
โThatโs a hickory daiquiri, doc!โ
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Nov 09 2021
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders HโO. The other man says: "I'll have HโO, too."
๐︎ 7k
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︎ Aug 31 2021
[sciency] two men walked walked into a bar, one ordered plain H2O and the other said โH2O too pleaseโ
Needless to say, the Second one died
๐︎ 10
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︎ Aug 19 2022
you know that one bar where people line up to punch you?
Yeah thats it. Thats the Punchline.
๐︎ 4
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︎ Sep 09 2022
Two whales walk in to a bar. One of them is like, "hmhmhnnnngnbrmuh"
And the other one is like, "Man, Steve, go home. You are drunk!"
๐︎ 7
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︎ Jul 21 2022
Two guys walk into a bar. One guy says "I'll have H2O."
The other guy says "I'll have H2O, too," drinks it, and dies.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Mar 08 2022
A chemist walks into a bar and finds one of his friends in his usual spot. The chemist asks his friend to move to a different seat. His friend, says, โI suppose youโve displaced me.โ The chemist smiles and is about to say something but stops for a moment then says,
โI was going to make a chemistry joke but I was afraid you wouldnโt react.โ
๐︎ 249
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︎ Nov 20 2021
A bear goes to the bar and says "can I get one whiskey..................and one coke"
The bartender asked "why the big pause"
The bear replies "I was born with them"
๐︎ 13k
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︎ May 03 2020
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
โI canโt believe I blew 40 bucks in thereโ
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Two mushroom walk into a bar. One says to to the other "hey can i buy you a drink"
the other say " AHHHH, A TALKING MUSHROOOM!!!!"
๐︎ 9
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︎ Feb 13 2022
A man on a business trip went into a singles bar, approached two women, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm...and collected.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Dec 28 2021
Well, this one hit the bar
๐︎ 62
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︎ Apr 04 2021
I went to a bar and there was a group of people in a queue ready to swing off on me one after the other...
That was the punch line..
๐︎ 3
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︎ Jan 26 2022
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders HโO. The other man says: "I'll have HโO, too."
The bartender, having neither Hydrogen Peroxide nor the inability to understand contextual requests, gives both men a glass of water.
๐︎ 17
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︎ Aug 31 2021
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other โDang, I left my electrons in the car.โ The other replies, โAre you sure?โ
โYa, Iโm positive.โ
๐︎ 180
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Two men are going down the street, one runs into a bar..
๐︎ 26
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︎ Jun 05 2021
Pluto walked into a bar and came out without paying the bill...no one could see him escape since he's...
๐︎ 3
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︎ Sep 07 2021
3 strings were walking one night and the stopped in front of a bar. 1st string was thirsty, so he goes in, and asked for a beer. The bartender said, "Get out! I don't serve strings!" So the string sadly leaves. 2nd string called the 1st a wimp. He goes in and demands to be served!
But the bartender was firm.
"Get out of here! I don't serve strings!"
The 2nd string sadly leaves.
The 3rd string said, "Both of you are dumb. Watch this!"
And so he frays himself, and ties himself into a knot. He went in, and asked for a beer.
The bartender eyed him suspiciously.
"Are you a string?" the bartender asked.
"Nope!" said the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"
(Quite the yarn, eh?) ๐
๐︎ 4
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︎ Nov 04 2021
One guy walks into a bar. Then another, and another
You'd think one of them would see it coming
๐︎ 45
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︎ Apr 20 2021
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
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︎ Jan 26 2021
One guy walks into a bar
The other one says "Thats going to leave a mark"
๐︎ 9
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︎ Apr 22 2021
I'm at a bar on Halloween and one of the bar tenders it's wearing a hardhat, coveralls, and goggles...
I ponted at him and shouted "he can't be here, he's a miner!" My friend acctually covered his face in shame.
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Nov 01 2015
Okay so two whales walk into a bar. One whale goes โARRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOโ (whale sound)
The other one goes โShut up Phil youโre drunkโ
๐︎ 27
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︎ Jul 16 2020
All the letters of the alphabet walk into a bar. Why does only one of them get a drink?
Because the bartender keeps saying, โCan I get U anything?โ
๐︎ 12
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︎ Dec 19 2020
Two rich dudes were hanging out in a bar. One said to the other, "Hey, you wanna come to my square island?"
The other responded "Four shore!"
๐︎ 22
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︎ May 01 2020
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road and walked into a bar.....
Then I realised my whole life was a joke.
๐︎ 45
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︎ Apr 02 2019
Mortician walks into a bar and asks for a stiff one...
Bartender says: "he's in booth six"
๐︎ 2
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︎ May 15 2020
My dad really raised the bar on this one..
> In a group text with my parents and siblings
Me: Ok all, weekly joke: What is the highest form of flattery?
...
Dad: A plateau?
Me: That's correct! Great job dad :).
[The joke was supposed to end here]
Mom: I don't get it..
Dad: Well then you must be in a canyon because it's over your head!
All: LOL!!
๐︎ 165
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︎ Dec 04 2014
Two guys walked into a bar... the third one ducked
๐︎ 8
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︎ Oct 19 2018
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, โOne beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!โ
Bartender: Now thatโs an order of magnitude!
๐︎ 6
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︎ Nov 16 2019
I had one night stand with a girl I met at a bar. Now she's gone.
And she took the night stand with her.
๐︎ 5
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︎ May 01 2018
Three law students walked into the BAR. One passed.
๐︎ 25
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︎ Mar 13 2017
Two pirates walk into a bar, one of them is wearing glasses shaped like little boats. Bartender says " whats with the boat shaped glasses?". Pirate says" I like everything to be ship shape".
๐︎ 63
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︎ Dec 17 2018
A mate and I were at a bar one night, when...
... half a dozen mean-looking tough and muscly guys approached us. The biggest of them said to me in a rough voice, "You're at our table. Get lost. Now."
My mate whispered to me, "Just pretend we're the police".
I thought this was a great idea. Butโ >!I only got halfway through the first line of "Roxanne" before they started beating the crap out of us!<
๐︎ 12
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︎ May 27 2019
A guy walks into a bar with two bananas, one in each ear
The bartender asks, "What's with the bananas?"
The guy responds, "What?"
๐︎ 42
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︎ Apr 05 2018
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "One whiskey and ................... one coke.
"Why the big pause?" - says the bartender.
"I don't know. I was born with them" - says the bear.
๐︎ 970
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︎ Mar 25 2020
Two men walks into a bar , One orders H2O second one orders H2O too .
๐︎ 21
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︎ Jun 29 2021
Two atoms walk into the bar. One atom says I think I lost an electron.
The other says... Are you positive?
๐︎ 25
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︎ May 26 2019
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
๐︎ 15
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︎ Oct 27 2017
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