My son told me he wants to be a cowboy, so I had to give him the bad news.
He’s stuck being a human boy.
I used to think that drinking was bad for me....
An actual conversation I had earlier today at a Christmas tree farm: After continually pointing out blue spruces that I wanted to get, my girlfriend asked me why I wanted to get a blue spruce so bad...
I told her so we could take it home and cheer it up
My high school teachers always made me feel so bad. They kept saying how I was THIS close to flunking.
I found the entire experience D grading. I just couldn’t C my way out of it. Even one failed test would have become a B in my bonnet. A plus from my high school experience was that I was allowed to take all my classes pass/fail, so I still walked away with me degree.
Brought my kids to the pool and they started shooting at me with water guns. “That’s for all your bad dad jokes!!” they screamed.
I replied, “thanks, they were getting kind of dry.”
My wife threatened to leave me because she says I have a bad sense of direction..
So I packed my stuff and right.
My friend lost ten pounds doing a body wrap. Not me though. It's always a bad idea to go out dressed in Saran wrap.
People can clearly see you're (your) nuts.
My grandma has been telling me for years about how bad last year was going to be.
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.
A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.
She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.
We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.
I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.
But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.
The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie...
She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad posture.
i went to the chiropractor with back pain, i didn't think it was that bad. he looked at me and said i have scoliosis, and he fixed me!
My friend said that it is bad to keep shit in me too long
All i said was that i don't give a shit
A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad posture.
It was just a hunch.
I talked to her about it, turns out I was wrong, and I stand corrected.
I’m really not sure what I was all bent out of shape about.
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.
No idea why the school hired him.
Sorry for tye bad crop its hard to edit on phone for me.
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad
My PE teacher told me I was so bad at golf that I should go to golf jail
It would be a shame if they putt me in there.
Wow i have to take onenote from that guy, made me laugh so bad i had to go to the DOC
I have an affliction that causes me to make bad puns about dolphins.
I don't do it on porpoise.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self...
My dad told me to look in the fridge and check out the milk that went bad
My mate told me that putting superglue on my rifle was a bad idea, but I'm sticking to my guns
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.
The day after our son died my wife came to me and said she felt like she wasn’t grieving properly and she felt bad.
The next day I woke up to her sobbing and I told her “good mourning!”
So I was scrambling some eggs this morning and if you know me, I like my eggs real scrambled. So I was going at these eggs hard, using all of my muscle to whisk these bad boys, when suddenly my arm goes numb and I passed out.
I guess you could say I “over-eggxerted” myself.
I was in a really bad mood earlier because my wife accused me of always trying to turn everything in to a joke. After hours of awkward silence, she finally gave in and asked, "What's the matter!?"
I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
It was so bad I had to push her away from me.
So the other week the lady and I went for a hike up in the Berkeley Hills and we came across some cows. There were two cows that were affectionate towards each other and their hair colors matched ours (she has red hair, I have black) and she said oh look, that's us if we were cows!
Fast forward to this morning. We were lazy getting out of bed (one too many fernets last night) and I mentioned we should pay a visit to our cow buddies.
She replies with the biggest shit eating grin I've ever seen her do: "Dont you mean our COW-nterparts?!"
I had to push her off me and get outta bed after that one. (Mostly jealous that I didn't think of it)
My son asked me how to make a bad joke
Dad: cmon son just try some. Son: Dad, why do you want me to try this chapstick so bad???
Dad: because it’s the balm!
I have a really bad relationship with my transgender son. He doesn't talk to me at all
It's like I'm transparent to him
I'm going to have an army of angry people after me due to my bad jokes one day...
But it's okay, I'll take my pun-ishment.
You don't have to be a bad person to rub me the wrong way.
You just have to be a bad masseuse.
My friend told me I had to stop singing "I'm a believer" because I'm really bad at it. I thought she was kidding
Was so bad it took me a few seconds to get
Me doing a school assignment on the search for extraterrestrial life
Dad: Why are you doing a project on Martians?
Me: They're not Martians but they might be Kepler 22b'ns
Dad: Any relation to baked beans?
A friend told me about her trip to Europe. On her first day there she had a very bad headache.
I said "That's probably from flying. Geese get those all the time. It's a migrating headache."
My wife threatened to leave me over my bad sense of direction... I beat her to it though.
I packed up my stuff and right!
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