I used to think that drinking was bad for me....
So I gave up thinking.
Brought my kids to the pool and they started shooting at me with water guns. “That’s for all your bad dad jokes!!” they screamed.
I replied, “thanks, they were getting kind of dry.”
My grandma has been telling me for years about how bad last year was going to be.
She has 20/20 vision
Doc told me he has good news and bad news for me. Bad news is my organs are shutting down from my eating only pepperoni, ham & salami.
Good news is, I’m cured!
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.
No idea why the school hired him.
Sorry for tye bad crop its hard to edit on phone for me.
I was wondering if this group could help me come up with puns for my husbands promotion watch. It’s an omega speedmaster. He loves puns and I am truest bad at them.
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
UBUNTU.
SurPise!
My wife said she was gonna divorce me for my bad Arnold impression.
Don’t worry, ”I’ll return”.
If this makes me a bad person for laughing at this then so be it its a joke
My friend got me a prostitute for my birthday, but he didn't know I'm turned off by bad teeth.
I didn't check though because you don't look a gift whore in the mouth.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self...
My wife is always mad at me for having a bad sense of direction
I packed up and right
I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.
I'm in recovery.
Something tells me I ate some bad food for lunch today.
I have a gut feeling about it.
A worker tells his boss about a great idea. The boss says "let me think about it" then pulls a bad 80's wig from his desk and puts it on. The worker asks "what's that for?"
The boss says "I need to mull-it over..."
My friend gave me something for my bad breath.
It mint a lot to me.
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
I went to the doctor for my bad back. he told me to smoke weed
I have a chronic back problem
