My birtch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce.

She said she’s tired of all of my tree puns.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Are pun requests allowed?

I'm trying to find a good pun for pine or pine tree that is wedding/marriage themed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Firetruckyou098
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad: Why did the elephant climb the maple tree?

Daughter: (Studiously ignores him).

Dad: To eat some cherries.

Daughter: (Not looking up from her phone). Maple trees don't have cherries, Dad.

Dad: He brought his own.

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RipKipley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
So I brought a tree home for Christmas

My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"

I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: β€œWhat crime would I be charged with if I broke into the Capitol and planted a forest?”

Dad: β€œWell I’m no legal expert, but I suspect there’d be some trees in there.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
If you take a dump on a stump...

Does that make it a toilet tree?

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theoddfind
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?

rick ash-tree

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/imboredwithlyf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My 3 yr old just cracked me up with this joke as I was putting him to bed

Why did the tree moo?

Because there was a cow stuck in it!

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whomhead
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A chemist plants a seed

He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/therderper123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
If you squat on a stump and take a dump....

Is it considered a toilet-tree?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rj17141
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A tree’s wood is 50% carbon, 42% oxygen, 6% hydrogen, 1% nitrogen

You can call it a chemis-tree

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wergio256
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
An Axe to Grind

An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.Β 
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.Β 
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What about the star?

My husband and I finally finished decorating the Christmas tree tonight. There’s always a star and we forgot to grab the box from the basement. I said to my husband, β€œWhat about the star?” Without skipping a beat, he says, β€œIt’s 2020. Zero stars.”

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make friends with a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcvroen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

β€œYou can't cut me down,” the tree complains. β€œI’m a talking tree!”

The man responds, β€œYou may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do environmentalists worry about when they poo ?

Whether to save water or to save trees.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Piyush3000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to make artificial foliage for the movie industry,

until I got fired for barking up the wrong tree.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What was the guy from Casablancas favorite Christmas Song?

Moroccan around the Christmas Tree.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iconmotocbr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
This is a series of dad jokes that all relate to each other and form a dad joke story so bear with me.

How do you kill a blue elephant? (How?) With a blue elephant gun.

How you you kill a pink elephant? (With a pink elephant gun?) No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? (No clue...?) So they can hide in cherry trees

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Of course not) Then clearly it works

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Nature just loves when Spring comes around...

I mean just look at the trees, they're re-leaf-ed.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayWolf85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Some Christmas Dad Jokes

Why are Santas reindeer generally drenched with water?

Because they are rain-deer.

Why did Santa have to visit the psychologist?

He had low elf esteem.

source

Why are Christmas trees so uncoordinated when it comes to sewing?

They always drop their needles.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a hungry mosquito?

Frostbite

​What did Adam say to Eve on the night before Christmas day?

It's Christmas Eve!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bmantis311
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s brown and sticky?

A tree.

Buh-dum-tsss

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What is Geometry?

It’s what a tree says when it looks in the mirror.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ReelBigKeith
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.

It's a Cemer Tree.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the sexiest tree?

A Chris pine tree

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?

The poplar tree

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/samcp12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Beck always said he was a loser. How would you make him into a know-it-all?

Put him in a treehouse. That way, he would be Tree-Beck instead.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What would you call the King of the trees during the dinosaur era?

Tree-rex

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s a skeleton’s favourite tree?

A BONEsai tree.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MsToothFairy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy was stopped by security

Sir this is a private subdivision.

I'm just passing through.

What's that in the bag?

Oh, these are bonsia plants.

What's a bonsai plant?

They're small trees. See?

Sorry, I can't let you through.

Why?

NO TREES PASSING.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lurens_b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tree fingers grow on?

A palm tree

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AttemptsMade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was trotting across the Prairie when is horse suddenly died...

It took him three days to make it to the closest town. To his dismay, nobody in that town had a horse for sale. So he started walking to the next town. After three days the man, exhausted, started asking around and looking for a horse for sale.Again, nobody could help him.He did,however,stumbled upon a place that sold horses but the man in charge was fresh out.

"Sold my last one just yesterday,"he said."I do, however, have a brother that sells horses. He's about a day's walk west.He owns a corral. He might have a horse to sell you."

So, once again, he sets foot West to the next town and finds the mans brother.

"I heard you might have a horse for sale, he asks."

"Well, I have one, but he don't look so good."he replies.

"I don't care. I've been walking for darn near a week and I'm tired and exhausted. I'll take him."

So after the man pays for the horse, he hops on him takes off and the horse hits a tree and stops.

"Hey,"the man says." I think you sold me a blind horse.Fact is, I'm sure of it!"

"Sir, I told you he don't look so good."the man fires back.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two cowboys are lost in the desert when one sees a tree draped in bacon. He yells β€œit’s a bacon tree” then runs to it and is shot up with bullets

It wasn’t a bacon tree it was a Ham Bush

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.

The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MafiaCub
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you know which star is the Christmas star?

Their is a tree under it

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ianasaurusrex33
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Reddit Obligations:

I don't have any original material at the moment, but the obligations are still there. So I present the following:

How do you get a baby satellite to sleep? You rocket!

Why was Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

Eggs don't tell jokes because they always crack up.

What's a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he still won't come

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bross-Hog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NicksterTV
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A tree walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Go home tree, you're trunk."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Spazztastic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report

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