My son Brandon came out to me as trans and said she wanted to change her name. At first it felt like a rift was opening in our relationship
But she was able to Bridget so easily
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π
︎ Feb 18 2023
Dressed up as RaPUNzel for Halloween, it was a knotty costume π
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︎ Jan 25 2023
saw a guy cut in front of a cow as it was walking
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︎ Feb 04 2023
The other day I tried to follow a red bird as it was flying south
But I wasnβt going in a cardinal direction.
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π
︎ Feb 17 2023
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︎ Dec 07 2022
As my son was engrossed in his homework, I asked him, "Do you know what Oman was called before it officially become a nation?" Befuddled, he responded, "No, what?" I smiled and said...
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π
︎ Jun 03 2022
As I was dropping my son off on his first day of school, he worriedly looked at me and asked, βHow long do I have to go to school for?β Smiling, I responded, βUntil youβre 18 buddy!" He nodded, thought about it for a bit and said...
βDad, you will remember to come and get me when Iβm 18, wonβt you?β
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π
︎ Apr 05 2022
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 13 2022
I was born in a Catholic family but as I grew up I strayed away from it.
Guess Iβm a dog person.
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π
︎ Oct 07 2022
I picked up some Chinese takeout, and as I was driving home I heard a rustling sound and saw the bag moving about. So I pulled over, cautiously opened the bag, and saw a pair of eyes looking straight at me? Was it a mouse, or a roach? EEK!!! Nope...
It was just the Peeking Duck.
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π
︎ Oct 09 2022
Today, as I was changing my son's diaper, I realized he could never make it as a career politician.
He was no longer full of shit.
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︎ Jul 25 2022
Just as a lumberjack was about to chop down a tree, it cried out, "Don't chop me down! I'm a talking tree!" "A talking tree?" the lumberjack replied.
"I guess you'll die a log."
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π
︎ Aug 29 2022
A tire left itβs job, died, and was reincarnated as a new tire.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 14 2022
My girlfriend told me that it was either her, or my career as a news reporter
I'm afraid I had some breaking news for her
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π
︎ Feb 28 2022
Just before you were born, as I was driving us to the hospital, it seemed that you might be born in the car, before we reached the hospital.
If you had been, we were going to name you Carsonβ¦.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 13 2022
I took my kid to a bouncy castle, and it was twice as expensive as last year.
Thatβs inflation for you.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jun 09 2022
So, I took my dog to the park to play frisbee. It was hopeless though as my dog was just very confused by the whole "frisbee" thing...
...
...
...
I think I need to get a flatter dog
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π
︎ Jun 15 2022
We were both shaking a bit as I took her out. I was a bit nervous, but it wasn't my first time. When I reached my hand down, I could feel she was already wet. I felt around until I found it and slowly slid my finger in the hole. That's when I knew it for sure.
I was definitely going to need a new boat.
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π
︎ May 18 2022
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
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π
︎ Jun 20 2020
When it was my first prom I was really nervous, and this called me to be really thirsty. As a song ends, I see my opportunity and all of a sudden I rush to the punch bowl.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 20 2022
I was arrested for copywrite infringement when I downloaded the entire Wikipedia site and published it as my book.
I told the arresting officer "I could explain everything."
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π
︎ Jun 10 2021
What directions were given to the spring salad as it was being transported from farm to table?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 14 2021
I had a job as a garbage collector, it was very depressing...
... I was often down in the dumps.
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π
︎ Jul 19 2020
I was having an argument with my wife about who should brew the coffee each morning. She said, βYOU should do it because YOU get up first and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee.β
I went full sexist pig, βYOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee.β
She replied coldly, βNo, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.β
I guffawed, βI canβt believe that, show me!β
So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, βHEBREWS!β
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π
︎ Feb 22 2018
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
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π
︎ Mar 06 2021
I was thinking of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.
I find it really hard to pull it off.
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π
︎ Oct 22 2020
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
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π
︎ Sep 13 2021
I was fired from my job as a dentist, but Iβm okay with it.
There was no hard fillings.
π︎ 40
π
︎ May 01 2021
As I walked into the house, I could tell something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 20 2021
Subarus are indeed very dog friendly as they show in the commercials. All it took was one sniff..
And my dog loves my new Ascent!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 27 2021
I had this massive piece of steak on the barbecue last night. As it was cooking, the smell of the juices made my mouth salivate.
I had a thought. I wondered if vegetarians had the same effect, while mowing their lawn.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
SpaceX's rocket was designed to be as wide as it could be and still be transported on the roads.
So when the boss wanted to make it larger, they had to elongate it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
It was raining cats and dogs last night and someone told you as you left the house,
"Watch out, you might step in a Poodle!"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 25 2021
What did the blanket say as it was falling of the bed?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 01 2021
I was offered a job as an undertaker but I turned it down
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
My grandfatherβs broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
Itβs a timeless piece, really.
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π
︎ Jun 11 2020
I took my 1 year old to the ER with the flu. As the nurse was taking her temperature rectally with the thermometer in the butt, he sympathized with her misery by saying βI know, it stinks.β
To which I responded βIt certainly will when you take it out.β I accepted the long awkward silence that followed as thunderous applause.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 30 2020
I just thought of this today as I was driving... Iβm sorry in advance π I saw this sign the other day, and it had rounded edges
It was kinda pointless...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
I was recently diagnosed as being colourblind, it really came out of the green.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Sep 12 2019
Thousand and thousands of years ago, during the last ice age, there lived an animal that excelled at trigonometry, geometry, and could recite Pi to 100 decimal places. It was known simply as.....
.....the mammothematician.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
A man was arrested at the beach for feeding pot brownies to the seagulls. It was his third such arrest because, as he put it,...
βI shall leave no tern unstoned.β
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π
︎ Feb 02 2020
Wife asked as I was leaving the bathroom if it was free.
Told her it didn't cost anything so far to use it.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 262
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 178
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
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