What do you call the ancestors of the modern day scissors?

Prede-scissors

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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Lunar new year in Vietnam is celebrated with lion dances, dragon dances, fireworks, family gatherings and meals, ancestor worship, and giving red envelopes to children and the elderly.

Thank you for coming to my TαΊΏt talk.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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Every ancestor inherit treasures to their bloodline

That explains why I have so many hereditary diseases.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet

He was a Tudor tooter tutor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargingTiger
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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My Dad is so cheap he uses our family tree as a Christmas Tree and the ancestors become the decorations.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shagminer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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What do you call a child with Icelandic and Cuban ancestors?

An IceCube

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ljuuset
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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My daughter wanted me to tell her a story about our ancestors...

I could only come up with ones about our anbrothers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rdevri57
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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Having Jewish and Catholic ancestors...

it’s been difficult to distinguish between gelt and guilt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoenigbaer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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What did the guy with a distant Finnish ancestor say?

I'm Finn...ish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dad_hacker_maq
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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One of my ancestors invented the glove

Well, he had a hand in it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TDAngel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2016
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I ordered eggs over-easy but I got two mediums.

So I had a nice breakfast chat with my ancestors. In stereo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Since the very beginning, man has been panning for gold and using it as trade.

Our ancestors called it the prime-ore-deal soup

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sanicle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Why are people from Norway so good at editing files in Linux?

Their ancestors are vi-kings.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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ew, this soup is the borscht

this soup is the worst

(jk borscht is the best. we have a generational recipe for it. I am ashamed of myself for even posting this and my ancestors shame me from the heavens)

haha I'll see you guys next time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Galden96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Me: I can't find my keys again. Her: It's in your jeans.

Me: Don't bring my ancestors into this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
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Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken. Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!

Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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My wife and her family are always late for every appointment.

I heard her ancestors got to the US in the Juneflower.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Bacon Puns

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!


Whats green and smells like bacon? Β Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?


Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.


Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Β Kevin Bacon


If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries


Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.


Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.


What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.


Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.


What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.


How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.


What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.


What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.


What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.


First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.


Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.


If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper β€œHere comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost


I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon


If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?


This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.


If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.


I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.


My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.


When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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Cure for Boredom

Ok so here's what you do.

Go onto Amazon or Ebay or whatever and purchase a small dog cage. Make SURE that is is made of either completely STEEL. Nothing else. Get advanced shipping or whatever gets it to your door as fast as humanly possible. Now wait patiently for your package to arrive. Once the delivery person knocks on your door to get you to sign for your package tell them to wait until you open the box. If they seem leery of you explain that you have had trouble in the past with your parcels and you just want to make sure that your order is correct. Open the box and remove the cage from the box. Inspect it thoroughly. Now LISTEN CAREFULLY! This is the part you can't mess up. Look up from the cage and stare into that poor delivery person's eyes. Like so deep you can see their ancestors. Say these exact words. "I knew it... I can't believe I ordered a nickel less cage."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Endangerd_Box
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2015
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My grandma taught my dad everything he knows!

My grandma has started using facebook this year and she loves to post things like this on my wall:

"I wanted to send you a Fairy Tale for your birthday, but they tend to Dragon." ""Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall." "Two left feet? It wasn't until the mid 19th. century that shoe manufacturers began making right and left shoes. Clarks was the first to do so. Before that, our ancestors who walked a lot had sore feet. Those poor souls!"

She's got a million of them, and is apparently determined to post all of them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/strongbob25
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
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