I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back.

They discussed me.

πŸ‘︎ 434
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I believe it is absolutely nessesery to teach our childer calculus.

It's an integral part of education.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotaLegFinger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently became a litter picker and there was absolutely no training

You were just expected to pick it up as you went along

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeeeeeeeeeebus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What should you absolutely NEVER name a couch store?

Sofa Kingdom

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.

It's a faux pa.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My core temperature has been lowered to absolute zero.

Don't worry, I'm 0K.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I absolutely hate grammar police!

Their [sic].

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Buffbigw76
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A scientist once froze himself at absolute zero.

He was 0K.

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/umaborgee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Learnt an interesting fact today..... If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" which actually means.....

......Absolutely Nothing!!

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I absolutely hate crossing t's

Dotting i's is okay since it's just a dot, but t's are where I draw the line.

πŸ‘︎ 370
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshjodalton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I absolutely hate people who advertise for ad blockers...

They’re practically begging to be silenced.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SlenderByrd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife absolutely hated the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itchy_Anxiety
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.

And suddenly I’m the idiot....

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Richard Osman with an absolute peach imgur.com/esZMaHi
πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VisualShock1991
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?

Because it's only the first date

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chandan_2294
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A chemist froze himself to -273.15Β°C and everyone called him crazy but personally,

I think he was 0K

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niyi_M
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 160
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kattykat21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Absolutely nobody expects it
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I have absolutely no idea what a cloning machine does!

That makes two of us.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy that got frozen to absolute zero?

He’s 0k now

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Avery101912
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Absolute Show Stopper
πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeet69420dab
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I said, β€œAbsolutely not! No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact..."

"I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm absolutely terrible about leaving the toilet seat up, I admit.

But I probably shouldn't have married a blind woman and like to laugh so much.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Absolutely souper

The Chinese chef maliciously dumped a hot broth with dumplings on an obnoxious customer. It was a wanton soup attack....

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
An udder day ... An udder pound ...
πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nukes-n-Nudes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Today on the bus, I caught an absolutely disgusting low lying old pervert watching Porn..........

.......Over my shoulder!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Your body has ran out of Potassium

Me: 0K

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fml_wlu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What an absolute ewenit
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aevaeternity
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
  1. great

  2. great

  3. great

  4. great

  5. great

  6. great

  7. great

  8. great

  9. great

  10. An absolute cracker

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
An absolute beast right there
πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techyolofam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you tell jokes to a kleptomaniac?

They always take things literally

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flappyducks34
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."

"She became a little spore addict."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The worst part of spanking a disobedient child at a supermarket is....

......having absolutely no idea whose child it is.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole

While South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/avinash333bhat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone once told me they loved absolutely all kinds of bedding.

It was a real blanket statement.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the02guy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Ok brace yourselves for an absolute travesty of a joke, said during bathtime after water got into my daughter's eyes.

I told my wife:

There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!"

This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OiTheRolk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero...

Don’t worry, he’s 0K

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yamo412
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
There are three types of people in this world

Those that can count, and those that can't.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daydrastik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Well calculated response
πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.

Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midget_clown
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study.

His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eeik5150
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried making an old family recipe of german sausage boiled in vodka.

It was the Absolut wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
After watching me read β€œWar and Peace”, my son asked me, β€œDad, why is the book so thick?”

Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a deaf gynecologist do?

He reads lips

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BootyBruiser49620
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a new machine at the gym, it does absolutely everything

Soft drinks, potato chips, chocolate cookies and candy

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.

And suddenly I’m the idiot.....

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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