I’ve being breaking a lot of records recently...
I would have broken more if they didn’t kick me out of the music store.
People say I’m like a broken record...
People say I’m like a broken record...
People say I’m like a broken record...
A guy on my street holds the world record for most concussions
He only lives a stone's throw away
My record collection includes Bruce Springsteen, John Cougar Mellencamp, and Tom Petty. It’s almost a full Heartland Rock set...
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.
Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.
They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.
After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.
So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.
My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...
One of my fathers last wishes was to have his ashes pressed into a record....
It was his vinyl request.
Do you know what happens when you play a country record backwards?
Your truck comes back, your wife comes back, your dog comes back, your trailer isn’t flooded...
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
I was telling my friend that brown rice is the same as white rice, but with a criminal record....
He thinks I'm a riceist for saying that.
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , “bury me with records galore”
It was his vinyl resting place
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
But I love their greatest hits!
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said “do you have a police record, sir?” I said:
I once held a world record
For the World’s Youngest Human Being.
What do you call a clock made out of records?
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
I went to the record store and bought a new album. It was awful...
I tried to get a refund. But I couldn't get my NickleBack.
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
If there is a record for how many times a person can twist their ankle
I think I might have broken it!
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
If a painter records videos of himself painting and posts them on social media,
is he considered a recording artist?
He must be having a pretty good track record!
Why was 2 offered a record deal but not 4?
Because 2 was better suited for PRIMEtime
To start a record collection...
A British man is visiting Australia and is asked by the Customs Officer if he has a criminal record.
He replies, 'I didn't think you needed one to get into Australia any more'.
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
I guess I have a bad driving record because only 1 insurance company would take me as a customer.
I had to go with the Flo.
So I work at a record studio.
It's called superman records. One day, this bald, big-shot lookin fellow comes in saying "I need some kryptonite." I point. "Three doors down."
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't effect me
It didn't effect me
It didn't effect me
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
Seven days without a pun, just beat my personal record. I am now feeling very..... week.
I got a Doors album as a record.
When I play it, they are the Revolving Doors.
Do you know how to make a small fortune in the record industry?
Start with a large fortune.
What do you call a person who records a dead body without thinking about it
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
My girlfriend Pia pulls me into a record store just before the video game store closes
All I could say was "Pia - no"
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Mt. Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
A man is pulled over and is asked if he has a police record.
The man replies, "No, but I've got a sting album."
Just for the record, I need a new phonograph.
My wife and I had an argument because I spent £1000 on a record collection.
It’s my decision and it’s vinyl.
Feeling a little low, I decided to peruse the local record shop for a new addition to my music collection.
Drifting down the alphabetised rock section, nothing really appealed to me from A-M. Disappointed, I moved around to the other side of the rack when suddenly I felt uplifted, content and at one with the universe.
I had reached Nirvana.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked whether I had a criminal record.
I replied: "No. Is that still a requirement?"
Studies show that teenagers using nitrous oxide gas are at a record high
People are usually shocked that I have a police record.
But I love their Greatest hits !
When my father dies he wants his ashes pressed into a record
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
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