70's Puns

He was considered an Eyyy-list celebrity

It was called “Welcome Back Kata”

It’s called ABBA-Cadabra.

Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄

Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲

Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.

Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓

Me: Oooof

Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there

Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?

Him: I wooden know about that

Well...I know The Sprinkler will always come back around.

They are a bunch of pre Madonnas.

Dentist: “They’re groOoOoOvy”

An ABBA-cado

Stick him in the microwave 'til its Bill Withers.

Since it is 70% water which is non-carbonated…

He decides that it's boring and gets on his phone to kill time. He doesn't pay attention and the train collides with a train car that was left on the tracks killing all 70 of the passengers on board. At trial he is sentenced to death by electrocution and requests a singular banana. When he goes to the chair he is strapped in, but survives and is released because the judge thinks that the man was saved by God. The man gets a job at another station but gets bored and crashes that train killing all 80 passengers on board. He is once again sentenced to die and requests two bananas for his last meal and survives the electric chair again and is released. Once again he somehow gets a job conducting a train and this time he kills 90 people. He is once again sentenced to death but the guards refuse to give him bananas for his last meal because they think that he is somehow using them to survive. He is strapped in and the guards flip the switch but he still somehow survives. This time the judge decides to just sentence him to life, but just before he is taken to his cell the guard asks him.

"How have you been surviving all these times? I thought it was the bananas."

The man said: "Wait, you haven't found out yet? I'm just not a good conductor."

At least 500 bureaucrats, 70 pages of A4 to three different administrations (by post or fax). A technician (Polish) will be dispatched in 6-12 weeks between 0700 and 1900. Please be available during this time. €470,00.--

We couldn't change the bulb because we only do E47 class bulbs, if you have E53 class bulbs then you need to file an Anlage (kse) in addition to the original application. No, it can not added retroactively because the technician has already been dispatched.

It's your responsibility to have known this.

Lauda!

SO, REDDIT, WHO WAS THE AUSTRIAN F1 DRIVER WHO CAME BACK JUST WEEKS AFTER A HORRENDOUS CRASH IN THE 70S?

You might step in a poodle!

(from my 70 year old uncle)

I said sure. 70.

Can anyone help? There’s a bloke in this subreddit who calls himself Buster and he’s driving me mad with constant private messages. Day after day he sends me youtube videos of 70’s glam rockers The Sweet. Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way to block Buster.

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

"I used to do drugs in the 70s, now I don't care what the temperature is"

She had just come back from walking our other dog. I asked her what the temperature was like outside, because it was supposed to get into the 70's.

She said, "It's nice, I only had to put on my jean jacket."

"So you're telling me it's in the 80's?"

I put it back at 70 and said "I've had it up to here!"

I hear his sound is very Seoulful and reminiscent of the 70’s.

I don't know how to feel about that.

My 70 year old uncle posted this on Facebook.

DAD: Not really hon. After 70 you can pretend to be senile, and be a kid again.

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

Jokes on them I’m only 20 and my doctor said I have the spine of a 70 year old man.

He asked me if I'd help his round up his sheep.

I asked, "how many sheep do you have?"

"67", he said.

"Ok then", I said, "70".

Me: Not really. There is a 70% chance we will be in the middle of the ocean.

Her: This is why no one hangs out with us anymore.

They're all listed at $70,000 or more

...a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

Credit goes to an excellent joke making friend of mine

This literally just happened.

Context: I'm 30yrs old. Got my own place. My dad and his business partner are staying with me for a meeting they have in the morning. Dad's friend is browsing the news on his laptop. He casually says Neil Young's birthday is today. He's 70 years old.

My dad goes "I guess he's Neil Old now"

Is it a sign of getting old when I find his dad jokes hilarious?

While driving in the car listening to 60's - 70's rock radio station

Led Zeppelin, ACDC, Foghat etc. would come on and my Dad would immediately start singing. Somewhere down the line he blatantly screws up the lyrics loud enough for all of us to hear and would say...

Smacking the drivers wheel "Damn, I really hate when the radio stations mess up the lyrics like that"

I grow bonsai trees. Somewhere between 50-70 of them. My Dad was visiting the garden and asked how I watered them. I said I used two hoses, but one of them was Spanish. He asked "How can you tell?" I replied, "Well, there's Hose B and Hose A."

I turn to my wife and state matter of factly,

Did you know that over 70% of the socks made in North America are made by the same company, under different brand names? However, despite their size and large market share, they treat their employees very well. Every year they give away a bunch of free socks to each one, and employees get to pick which brand of free socks they get.

You can always tell a good company if it gives its employees sock options.

Taking my dog for a walk, an old bloke, mid 70's in a flat cap was going past, with a wheelbarrow with some large wooden pallet board-y looking things in, as he went past me he said "I'm going to a board meeting"

Burst out in laughter.

"hahaha ok so my dad comes in my room and goes do you like disco music and I was like uhh yeah I guess and he goes cause it looks like your stuck in the 70's and hands me my report card that has 3 c's on it and I died laughing it was the funniest thing ever"

In my high school Econ we were talking about the 70s

Teacher: In the seventies there was high unemployment accompanied by high inflation. Does anyone know what this period is called?

Me: Economics

Teacher: sigh

It’s 70% water and is uncarbonated.

"sure" I said

"70"

70