A list of puns related to "4 Minutes"
At this rate, he will never be there on time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFym8JwlYxY
The turtle that was swimming there swam away, frightened. Guess he was shell shocked.
I don't know if this post is breaking any of r/dadjokes's rules, but if it is I will repair them in the morning.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFym8JwlYxY
http://mashable.com/2014/01/18/54-dad-jokes/?utm_cid=mash-com-fb-main-link
His funeral will be held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
It's a minute tour.
I borrowed my daughter's desk chair for about ten minutes earlier today. As I was bringing it back I said "They say when you borrow someone's car you should return it with a full tank of gas..." It took her about 3 seconds to reply "Nooooo! Did you fart in my chair?"
Because every 60 seconds, a minute passes
The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Batman: Robin! Quick! Go get the Batmobile!
Robin: Sure thing, Batman!
A few minutes later...
Robin: The Batmobile won't start. In fact, it won't even turn over!
Batman: Check the battery.
Robin: What's a tery?
My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.
He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.
And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.
My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even.
Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago.
I’ve never been more proud.
A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his “promposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!
Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.
The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.
They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?
He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.
He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?
There was no punch line.
"This is where the Magna Carta was signed," said the tour guide, "One the most important documents in English History."
"When was it signed?" asked Paddy.
"1215," said the tour guide.
"OH NO!" said Paddy, "We missed it by 10 minutes!"
Son: Dad, Will you remember me in one second?
Dad: Yes.
Son: Dad, will you remember me in one minute?
Dad: Yes.
Son: Dad, will you remember me in one hour?
Dad: Yes.
Son: Dad, will you remember me in one day?
Dad: Yes.
Son: Dad, will you remember me in one week?
Dad: Yes.
Son: Dad, will you remember me in one month?
Dad: Yes.
Son: Dad, will you remember me in one year?
Dad: Yes.
Son: Knock Knock!
Dad: Who's there?
Son: DAD! YOU ALREADY FORGOT ME!
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
The I C U
(Heard this from my dad 5 minutes ago)
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
It was a short nap, only about 20 minutes.
So my kids are clearing the dishes after dinner, it’s their job every day. My daughter was scraping all the scraps in the bin, which contained some food. Son: “Jeze Lauren you need to be more considerate, every 60 seconds in Africa a minute passes”.... Ded 💀
I said weight a minute!
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."
My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
He woke up like 5 minutes later tho
A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasn’t paying attention so I said “give her another, dad.” And he responded with “what’s wrong with the dad she’s got?”
I was putting spray-on sunscreen onto my (not slim) belly and my daughter, seeing the can and not remembering the correct word said, "hey, it's just like grafatty!). I couldn't stop laughing for a solid 5 minutes. I will never be able to put sunscreen on without thinking of that again.
The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."
The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.
"There's no way you're bilingual."
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
Because there's a sucker born every minute.
I bought a dog from a blacksmith. We were not home ten minutes and he made a bolt for the door!
To antagonize a local QT and mess with their registers. That way I can get a snack, wait in line and every five minutes say, punctually, "Man, this quick trip is taking a long time."
It'll be my entertainment for an afternoon.
Me: “How was the gym?”
My wife (pregnant with our first): “It was awesome, I did 45 minutes of spinning”
Me: “Jeez, you must be dizzy!”
Wife: (just shakes her head in disapproval)
Is this a new joke or did I subconsciously steal it from somewhere? Also is it any good?! Am I ready to be a dad??
Because it cuts things into two, so now you have a pair.
My 15-year-old had to think about this for a minute... Then he goes "Wait, doesn't every knife do that?" Congratulations, son, that's called critical thinking.
It was here a minute ago.
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
It just seems a little unfair that I only get half of a minute when everyone else gets the whole day.
His father had never taught him to fish, and he always wanted to give it a shot. He glanced in the window and saw a beautiful new fishing rod on sale for 10% off. After a moment of contemplation, he turned and headed home, quickly forgetting about the fishing rod.
The next day he walked by again and paused, taking another glance in the window. The fishing rod was still there, only it was 30% off now. He took a few minutes to think it over, but decided against it. He hurried along his way.
The next day, he couldn’t get the idea of sitting on the lake fishing out of his mind. He made up an excuse to walk by the store again, and he peered through the big glass window to see the fishing rod still there, only this time it was 60% off. What a deal! The young man decided he would buy some gear and finally learn how to fish. With a newfound excitement in his step, he opened the door and walked into the store. He made a beeline for the fishing rod, eager to get a feel for it in his hands.
Out of nowhere, the store clerk grabbed him from behind and wrestled him to the ground. Shouts and fighting ensued, until the young man finally broke free and stood up, ready to defend himself against another attack. “What in the world are you doing?!?” the young man asked, still trying to catch his breath.
The store clerk motioned to the blinking sign above the door that read, “Bait and Tackle”
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon and ties it outside. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a whiskey.
Minutes later he hears someone ride off with his horse. He runs outside, and sure enough, his horse is gone.
He goes back in the saloon, fires his gun three times in the air, and says "At the count of ten my horse better be back here. I don't want to do what I had to do in Laredo."
A few minutes later, he sees through the door his horse being returned.
Just before he leaves the saloon, the bartender whispers to him "so what did you have to do in Laredo?"
The cowboy says "I had to walk home".
He ask the barman: "What is this?"
The barman answer: "Oh this, place a dollar and if you make my horse laugh you can keep the pot."
"Fair enough" says the man "I'll give it a try" and then places a dollar in the pot
He walks in the stable and after a minute, the horse starts laughing and just can't seem to stop.
The man grabs the pot of change and leaves.
One week later, the man comes back to the bar and can still hear the horse laughing.
A new pot of change has been placed on the counter labeled: "Make my horse cry"
Man says: "Fair enough", place a dollar in the pot and walks again in the stable.
The horse stops laughing and starts crying
The man comes back in the bar and takes the pot of change.
Before he gets a chance to leave, the barman ask him: "How did you make him laugh so much?"
"Oh, very simple" says the man "I told him: My dick is bigger than yours"
"And how did you make him cry?" Ask the barman
"Even more simple, I showed him"
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers, "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
...but I manged to cobble something together last minute.
Does anyone have peer reviewed studies on the effects of minute hand smoke?
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "That was wonderful..."
The husband says, "Don't move... I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not
And then you had a growth spurt.
It took him a few minutes...
Either 3:00 or 9:00
While the sister was working the brother was walking around doing nothing
5 minutes pass
B: Ow S: You alright B: Yeah, just bumped into the table S: Where does it hurt B: Mitosis
...wait a minute...
I said you were never skinny to begin with. Time of death 1 minute later. Cause COVID
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
They got a whole 20 minutes in before the teacher woke him up
Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Friend: Why?
Me: To visit the town idiot.
A few minutes later...
Me: Knock, Knock.
Friend: Who’s there?
Me: The Chicken
You moan now but I suspect you are already planning to use this one.
Is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
Sure enough, my weight went up by several minutes.
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡They’re immediately taken back to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.
“This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!”
“No mistake,” the doctor says. “It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”
It took 6 minutes to put on. It was a waist of thyme
Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.
My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education.
So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.
He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said “this is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.”
So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.
A guy is going to see his shrink. when he gets there, just outside the door he strips down, gets butt naked & raps himself in suran wrap, then walks in/hops in, & goes & flops on the couch & says alright doc im ready! doc turns around, thinks for a minute, & says alright i can clearly see--- your nuts!
The salesman pointed me to a bunch of different options. Ultimately I think I found one that I wanted but the cost was a bit much. I asked the salesman if I could sleep on it and he said yes.
There must have been a misunderstanding because a few minutes later he kicked me out of the store.
A couple were watching the news.
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident," said the newscaster.
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing... "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.
At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).
I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.
It went something along the lines of this:
DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.
Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.
DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.
Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.
DM: Well, yeah maybe.
And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.
Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.
A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.
I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"
We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.
Me: Okay but don't get your hopes up we're only going to celebrate for half a minute.
She: What? Why?
Me: Because it's your thirty-second birthday
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom.
The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window.
The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
"Yes,"
"And how do you spell that?"
"Oh, wait a minute. They're roses."
They needed another ten minutes
My mum commented" That won't do the chicken any harm"
I responded with...
"It's already dead"
Once upon a time, there was a dad and he was very well known at gatherings with his witty humor and painful puns.
Then his son came along, and very quickly picked up on dad's gifts but he used them on the internet instead.
Dad mused for a minute, and said it must be heredditary...
and I had to be the one to tell my boss about the mutated eels. After I gathered all my courage, I said to him
“Sir, the eels have fur all over them and are humanoid too!”
My boss looked so surprised, and was silent for a minute or two. Finally, he asked me
“Fur-eel man?”
The minute you do, you’re a marked man
Doctor: " I'll be with you in a minute"
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it.
My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.
He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.
The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.
I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:
“I’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”
“Honey,” I said, “it’ll never work.”
“Why not?!”
“Because you can’t rush Art.”
I closed the window after a minute, and everyone disappeared from inside the space shuttle!
I went to the grocery store, and the change was $5.02, so on my ride home, I perfected the ultimate plan for a dad who loves dad jokes...
Me: Oh, here's the change *hands 5.00 bill*
Dad: You can set the groceries on the counter
Me: Oh by the way, do you want my two cents on the groceries?
Dad: *confused look* o...kay?
Me: *hands receipt and two pennies*
It took a minute for him to realize but everyone got a good laugh out of it.
After half a minute they all went home.
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute?
Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley
Wife-I'm serious!
Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious
This actually happened. :)
We were there for about 20 minutes before my wife even potted a red.
"To make myself beautiful!" said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"
At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.
At this rate, he will never be in class on time.
It was here a minute ago
i'll be back in 10 minutes
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar...
And a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering!
I swear it was here just a minute ago.
It was here a minute ago
Edit : fixed the spelling
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.