!earshot Puns

This is from last night, pizza night.

(I have two pizzas in-hand)

Me (47 yo dad): Hey kids (2 12 yos + 1 11 yo), i have a question!

Them: (in a surly tone) huh/grumble/no response?

Me: If I throw a pizza...(my eyes begin to twinkle)

Them: (seeing the signs, they scatter in attempt to get out of earshot, but they're too slow)

Me: ... Will it become at YEET-ZA?!?!? (I begin cackling)

11 yo: Busts out laughing.

12 yo daughter: DON'T GIVE HIM ANY ATTENTION, YOU'RE ENCOURAGING HIM!!!

I'm so fucking proud... Feel like i leveled up on this one!

Tenor twelve feet away from earshot.

I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked

It's a small town so they know Police Officer Ed well enough to know that he can be pretty curt and rude. As they pass him, they exchange pleasantries. The husband tips his hat and Officer Ed does the same. The wife says, "Hello Officer Ed, it's a beautiful day isn't it?" Officer Ed looks at the sky, grunts, and says, "It looks like rain." The wife looks at the sky and says, "But there isn't a cloud in the sky." Officer Ed doubles down, "It's definitely going to rain."

The husband doesn't want to start any problems so he bids the officer good day, takes his wife's arm and leads her along. Once they were out of earshot, the husband said to his wife, "Listen, Rude Officer Ed knows rain, dear."

The other morning my daughter was feeling down because she has been outshined by a male in the mixed netball team and felt she couldn't do better because she was a girl.

I of course pointed out that girls can do anything that a guy can do if she puts her mind to it. So far so good.

ERROR - brain to mouth filter disengaged.

Then said, in earshot of my wife, look at your mother over there growing a moustache.

She did not find it as funny as we did.

My dad always said this somberly when he was sure there was a stranger within earshot. "Where's mom," I'd ask. "She broke her leg I had to shoot her." He would always get a horrified look from someone!

Dad: Hey, why did the elephant paint his balls red?

Me: Umm.. I don't know, why?

Dad: To hide in a cherry tree!

Me: ...

Dad: Okay.. how did Tarzan get killed?

Me: sigh I don't know Dad, how?

Dad: Picking cherries!

Facepalms all around by everyone in earshot, and Dad would know that he had done well.

"Job Opening!!" every. single. time. no matter the business. those within earshot smirk.

I asked a co-worker about her thoughts on the guy we just interviewed:

Her: I think it's a go, but I've having some reservations.

Me: Why? He's not a restaurant.

she laughed, but others within earshot groaned

My Dad called me Richard Cranium anytime we were within earshot of his buddies. This was from around the time I turned 12 until I was 17ish. I didn't figure it out until then... I wasn't a smart kid.

I have a co-worker that goes to the gym after work most days. He also happens to be a little dramatic, which helped here.

Me: "Hey, man. How was the gym?"

Him: "Revolutionary!"

Me: "Ah, so today was bike day?"

Momentary pause followed by those sweet, sweet groans from him and one other co-worker within earshot. Great way to end the day.

"The guillotine truly was cutting-edge technology at the time."

A dad within earshot said he appreciated my sharp wit.

I pulled out cash for our rent and gave it to my wife to hold. She put it in her jacket and tossed clothes into the laundry without removing the money. I hear Wife- "ohhh.. I found the money, I washed it." Me- "don't tell anyone, you can get in trouble for money laundering" Collective groans went around by everyone in earshot

Waiter: "What do you want to eat?"

Dad: "I want the Jimmy!"

Waiter: "The what?"

Dad: "The Jimmy Buffet!"

Everyone in earshot groans.

Dad: Hey since Russia went and invaded the Ukraine do you think we will have to go and kill Putin?

Me: What? No. Why?

Dad: Oh. I guess I just assumed we'd have to be Putin him down.

Everyone within earshot: groan

Every time someone picks me up somewhere in public (with people in earshot), I always open the door and then say loudly "Hey, you got the stuff?"

May not be funny but it always makes me laugh!

My friend Alexander recently broke his collarbone, and he was complaining that he could no longer lift anything with his right arm. He was particularly upset that his hard-won gainz would atrophy, so he would be stronger on his left side than his right.

"Now you'll be asymmetricAl" I said.

Everyone laughed I chuckled heartily to myself whilst everyone within earshot gave me a weird look.

My mom walks into the house from outside and yells: "Is anyone in earshot?"

My dad, falling to the floor clutching his stomach: "Now that you mention it!"

Just finished explaining to my dad what Tinder was and he let this one off:

"Now I know how pirates found all that booty."
"....What?"
"Tindarrrrrrrggggg."

Everyone within earshot instantly groaned while my dad I and laughed endlessly

Every time I walk by this "Liquor" fire department connection at Costco I have to fight the urge to make a "hook me up" joke to anyone within earshot.