When someone makes a bad pun:

I will pun-ish you.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

You look for fresh prints

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHibernian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a hunch you will like this joke
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HenkBlok
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Will glass coffins ever be popular?
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kevjonesin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
This support group will help you recharge
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
The salesman at the furniture store told me, β€œThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, β€œWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have discovered that, on occasion, an octopus will "punch" a fish for no reason other than spite

That's called Toxic Molluskulinity.

πŸ‘︎ 552
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NAtionalniHIlist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Aussies will understand
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm worried that the supreme court will lack empathy now that Ginsburg is gone.

Without her they're ruthless.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudefaceguy_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
You're damn right it will
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/giftsamuel_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Will glass coffins ever become popular?

Remains to be seen

πŸ‘︎ 377
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadly_R
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...

"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
And they will call it the β€œI-Kia”
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/One_Hair7773
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

Approximately 1 GB.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tecniklee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?

Thanks for the Baghdad!

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpha_Supreme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.

I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhnrmn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
The owner of the Indianpolis Colts will be in trouble if he has to speak in court, because no matter what he says the judge will think...

That's Irsay.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawsonju
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
It will cost a buccaneer!
πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadowsnipeeee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Nerds will get it
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ConradT16
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.

Head lice.

πŸ‘︎ 199
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbredman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A steak pie will cost you $2.50 in Jamaica, in Barbados its $3

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Im_In-corg-nito
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....

Quaranteens.

πŸ‘︎ 608
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Where there’s a will
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my spectacles. I will find you.

I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m traveling through England and will be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Biden will NEVER, EVER be my president

because I live in Canada.

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Only-Lurk-SRD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Peter Brown the world famous hairdresser told his son, that he's leaving him nothing in his will....

I can't believe he's cutting off his own heir.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
β€œDoctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

β€œYes, of course…”

β€œGreat! I never could before!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What's green and will kill you if it falls out of a tree

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckarooBanzii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said "will you stop pretending to be a flamingo"

Sorry, but I had to put my foot down with that one.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Rick Astley will give you all the movies from his Pixar collection except one

His never gonna give you Up

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ginks_21
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Murphy's Law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's shredded cabbage

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loloPogi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: Dad, will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?

Dad: I just can't see them taking off.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AviationChic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The College Board announced today that it will be dropping the essay section from the SAT.

It’ll now just be called the T.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tietjen1209
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Which spice will get a mother busted for trying to buy booze underage?

Cardamom.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MaenHoffiCoffi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
The Mama Roach asked "What will happen to us if that human sprays us with Raid?"

The Papa Roach replied "Suffocation. No breathing."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SammDogg619
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
2022 will be as bad as 2020

Because it's 2020 too

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moe87b
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.

But will she leave me ?

Find out next week.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Not many fans are allowed in the stadium for Green Bay’s game today. It will be like

Silence of the Lambeau

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afarro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"

"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
The salesman at the furniture store told me, β€œThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, β€œWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

πŸ‘︎ 646
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I wonder, will glass coffins be popular someday?

... Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SaintFistopher
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report

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