There was no fork to stir my eggs, and though my wife asked me not to use it for this purpose

It was a whisk I had to take

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyeyedmcgee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Came home with all purpose flour. My wife asked why I didn’t get bread flour.

I told her there wasn’t any, in these times bakers can’t be choosers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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A man purposely crashed two passenger trains, killing hundreds. Why didn’t he get the electric chair?

Turns out he was a really bad conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unsettled_Beef121
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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I repurposed a few of my old watches, mad a really cool belt out of them.

My wife said it was a waist of time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/enganere
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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Take out just for emergency purposes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techyolofam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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Please i need it for medical purposes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/annamodski
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
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I don't like word play jokes done on purpose...

I prefer when they're pun-intentional

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arctic_Womble
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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What do you call a knife with no purpose?

Pointless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManAmeJeEf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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What did the man exclaim after the change machine explained its purpose?

Ah, makes cents!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manlymatt83
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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Quarantine day 25: Found my husband working on the patio with his scroll saw. Yes. It's a scale model.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cynthiaimprov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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My friend always goes to the campground when he seeks purpose...

That's the only time his thoughts are in tents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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I misunderstood the purpose of the colour conference...

It was a red hearring, so I blue myself for nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruminino
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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The sole purpose of a child’s middle name.

is so they can tell when it's really inΒ trouble.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Namirred
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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Duct tape isn't ever used for its intended purpose...

But it DOES seal quacks in ducks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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Everything has a purpose

God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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My dad said,"Do not use the bathroom for long time for other purposes...

.... either urinate or you're out of it"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allgen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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I purposely haven't showered for days

Stinko de Mayo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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What do you call a rodent that refuses to be used for scientific purposes?

A lab brat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Did you hear about the self-driving car that purposely ran someone over?

It was an auto-motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jo_Re13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Purpose
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rawlingstones
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
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Why did it take so long for the USSR to collapse?

They were Stalin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrenadeLawyer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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My son asked me what is a shoe

I said its sole purpose is to protect the feet

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sriramempire
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose

They make the person look better

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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I got another wrist watch for my birthday, so I wanted to get rid of the old ones. Looking through how many I had

I decided to give them a new purpose and turn them into a nice belt. But it ended up being too short.

This whole project was a waist of time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zitter_Aalex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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What is the purpose of a breast cancer awareness week?

To keep cancer from getting the breast of us.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FISHunderscore
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2016
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Up down on off
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmotionallyPained
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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When my wife goes skiing she finds it fun to fall on purpose.

She's a strange woman, but that's how she rolls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/markyland
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2017
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Whats the purpose of the flour in that recipe?

all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoMilkTheCowsBro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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When playing Mario Odyssey, I asked my kids if they thought the tanks served a purpose...

...or are they tanks for nothing?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperC142
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
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Last week a self-driving car hit my brother on purpose

I guess it had faulty automotives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/halcyon427
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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My fiancΓ© Amy dumped me...

and I was crushed and my world had no purpose, no direction. I wandered through my life Amy-lessly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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Come on man..
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LosPollos23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
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If you zip-tie a stick to a ladder the ladder becomes sticky
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sandy_Paws021415
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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What do you call the gradual decline to eventual loss of living tree wives who you marry with the purpose of showing them off ?

Ent-trophy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WheresTheWombo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2016
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JusReign and JehanR travel to Iceland for the sole purpose of PUNNING youtube.com/watch?v=cGwnf…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frontlawnstuff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2015
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Last night LeBron James purposely farted on a referee...

He was given a fragrant foul.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hexyl68
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
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Me every time I walk up to someone's fridge to get ice from the dispenser, I purposely set it to water and yell....

...."I think your refrigerator is broken. This ice is coming out melted!"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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Teacher walked into our classroom for one purpose

Teacher "I used to be addicted to soap... Don't worry I'm all clean now" Then he just started cracking up and left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/memgriz32
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
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My wife and I didn't want to have kids, so I had a vasectomy

But when we got home they were still there

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dohimer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
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My dad thought he was kidnapped on purpose

Turns out he was mis-taken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/upsidedownqbert
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2016
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What is a hydrogen atom's favourite pass time...?

Gone FISSION'

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/evamPUNdit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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I asked the librarian if she could show me to the self-help section

She said that would defeat the purpose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Pinn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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If someone slips and falls on purpose, to claim insurance it should be called...

A Fraudian Slip.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silentpl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
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Funny Joke

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wnonnemaker
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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It wasn't on purpose

My father had been in a phase where all he'd drink was wine from the Rhine region of Germany.

When the waiter at the Chinese restaurant asked what we wanted for drinks, my father, knowing that not all restaurants carry it, asked "Do you have Rhine?"

Waiter: Yes, of course

Dad: Ok, great, I'll have that!

Waiter (looking confused): Ahh, ok, you want red rine, or white rine?

Dad: uhh.. how about merlot?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/natrous
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2014
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I asked the book store assistant where the books on self help were...?

She replied "Sorry, that would defeat the purpose"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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My husband dad joked me on our walk today.

Me: Do pine cones have a purpose?

Husband: I’m not sure, but I know that pine needles aren’t pointless.

*Our baby is 7 months old.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ISFJ-T
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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A man called the police regarding a fly problem…

So I'm watching a show called outrageous 911 Calls, and there was a story of an old man who was cooking bacon that ended up burning. So he opens up his back door to try and air out some of the smoke. Well, the smell starts attracting flies and of course he calls the police to report it and hope that they can send someone to handle the fly issue. The emergency operator says the police cannot do anything to help him.

So I turn to my friend who is watching along side me, and I say, "Obviously the police can't help him, he needs a swat team."

Bah dum, tss

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deatoai
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2014
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NASA’s new rover, Insight, is supposed to tell us about Mars’ soil composition and about what’s underneath the surface of Mars..

So technically, Insight’s purpose is to give us insight about what’s not IN SIGHT

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RLU763
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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An accidental pun

Setting: My partner and I are sitting on the couch watching the Leafs v Bruins hockey game

Background: my partner loves puns, LOVES them and makes like 20+ pun jokes a day. I’m horrible with puns and have made like two in my entire life.

Here’s what happened: Hockey game: Boston dude is on the ground, leafs dude is on top of him, looks like there’s going to be a fight

Me: looks like there’s a fight a-brewin’

Partner: BRUIN! A-BRUIN (chuckles manically)

Me: damn, I just fell backwards right into that

Him: of course you didn’t do it on purpose (still chuckling, high fives me)

I was so impressed with my accidental pun My first thought was - I have to share this on reddit! (He’s still chuckling, btw)

Edited for formatting (mobile user, yada yada)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuspiciousFun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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I won a unique item at the Celebrity Origami charity auction.

The auction's goal was to raise money for Tourette syndrome research by selling origami figures made by famous celebrities. To highlight the purpose of the auction, the organization in charge asked all participating celebs to write a replacement of a naughty four-letter word most closely associated with the disorder.

For example, George Clooney's origami penguin said Fudge instead of the F-word.

Margot Robbie's paper flower said Beach instead of the B-word.

I bid on the origami made by Dwayne Johnson.

The Rock's paper scissors said Shoot.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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Running dad joke. I say "Hmm, is it a foot?" Eye roll every time.

Running with my daughter. She stops and says "dad I have something in my shoe."

I say "Hmm, is it a foot?"

Used to laugh but now just get eye rolls every time.

πŸ‘︎ 273
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnFrum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2015
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Just like his father, Kim Jong Un takes a binocular wherever he goes.

For proper gander purposes.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2018
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He needed to find a tax write-off

For tax purposes, he invested in a gas station that was losing money. It was just self-serving

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
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I changed my gender today!

Not on purpose, it was just that cold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Actual Dad Joke - my pilot dad's favorite

My dad was a fighter pilot in WWII. He always claimed that most folks have no idea what the real purpose of a propeller is. They're thrown off by the name. The purpose is not really for propulsion. It's to keep the pilot cool. He claimed that he could prove it.

"Just turn it off and watch the pilot start to sweat."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallpapab
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
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i hate horses

man. i was just thinking bout how i really hate those things. they’re like oversized dogs with none of the appeal of an actual dog. reminds me of the time i hid a couple edibles at my cousin Cody’s stable and his horse ate all of them. later that day when he was out on his horse he was lecturing me about how horses at least have a functional purpose unlike my β€œuseless” shih tzu.

all i could say was β€œcody, get off your high horse”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreepersFTW
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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Ripped a candid one today

I went to a grocery store down the street for the sole purpose of getting a big bag of Chex mix. The cashier rang me up and said,

β€œYou want a bag for that Chex mix?”

I replied, β€œthat’s okay. It’s already in a bag”

He either didn’t get it or didn’t think it was funny but I was very pleased with myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boy_Wonder22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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Man catches wife cheating

Three guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they're allowed in St.Peter asks each of them how they died.

He asks the first man, and he says "I suspected my wife had been cheating on me, so I came home from work early on purpose to catch her. When I got back to the apartment I found her lying naked in bed like she's just had sex. So I looked under the bed there was no one there, I checked the closet, no one there. I go out and check the balcony and there's some guy hanging from the railing, I was so angry I beat his hands until he fell, I then ran back into the apartment, grabbed the refrigerator and threw it over the balcony and it landed right on top of him. Then I was so mad and angry I had a heart attack and now i'm here"

St.Peter says to him" Sounds like you had it rough, I'll let you in.

The second man steps up and gets asked the same question

So this man says "I was in my apartment when I slipped over the railing, I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartment below me, then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall. Then he goes and dumps a refrigerator on me and that's how I wound up here"

St.Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough.

The the third guy steps up and is asked the question.

This guy replied "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early.

So i go and hide in the refrigerator"...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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I quit my job today. I want to start cleaning mirrors.

It's something I see myself doing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuttonRoller
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2016
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[META] A plea for real dad jokes.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
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Made a dentist appointment for my wife

Her: when is my appointment tomorrow
Me: the realisation dawns on me and I start laughing hysterically
Her: what?
Me: drying my eyes 2:30
her: groans did you do that on purpose?

I did not, the fates gave me that one for free.

Edit: Tooth hurty. Apparently that wasn't clear

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
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We were making home made soup the other night...

And I snuck into the kitchen to take this picture for the sole purpose of taking it back to my girlfriend to say with an exasperated sigh, "Ugh, would you just look at this stock photo..."

She hated me for the rest of the night as I sat there giggling like a madman, way too pleased that she didn't figure it out before I showed it to her. When I told my dad, it entirely derailed his train of thought as he started laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/L337Cthulhu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
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My colleague made a website where you can post and rate Dad Jokes, what do you think?

This was just a fun side project, no real purpose behind it. If you have any suggestions to make it better, please feel free to post them.

Website:

https://qualitydadjokes.com/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Michael_mkz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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About cows

A coworker and I were talking about how turtles act when they're on their shells and how some people do it them on purpose. Coworker says, "it's sort of like cow tipping. Have you ever tipped a cow?" And I shook my head and said, "I've never even been served by a cow." He then punched me in the face and walked far, far away from me.

Ok I might have embellished that very last part.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadSmash4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
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100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • That’s all => Cat’s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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Is it legal to wear snakes on your head?

I'm asking for a friend of mine. Medusanal purposes only.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexJWhite86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2016
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I took a photo of my friend Lee, printed it out at x2 scale and stuck it on the side of the building,

Largely for comedic purposes.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2017
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GF's dad's favorite joke.

He takes a round bike mirror and holds it on his eye like a monocle and says:

"Look! It's a miracle!"

I'm pretty sure he carries it around with him everywhere just for this purpose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJs_Sandshrew
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2013
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My jokes are expected...But every so often I surprise myself...

I normally telegraph my jokes, but this one was totally natural... Talking to my wife about my sister's upcoming trip to DisneyWorld and how they were going in May...

Wife..."have talked to your sister about crowds because of the opening of Pandora at Animal Kingdom?"

"Yeh, they are going down opening weekend, but skipping Animal Kingdom completely, I bet it's going to be a real zoo there..."

Edit

Obligatory eye roll and groan.

"Holy crap, I didn't even do that on purpose!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilbandit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2017
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Do you know Champ?

Staged perfectly in the ever scentiful Bath&Body works at a mall.

Me: "Hey mom, do you know a guy named Champ?"

Mom:"Champ, is that a nickname?"

Me: "No, its his actual name."

Sister chimes in "Well whats his last name?"

Me: purposeful "Huh?"

Sis: "Champ who?"

Me: ":)"

Sis: "-GROAN- God fucking damn it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/edragon20
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2015
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Got my whole family on Christmas with this one.

My mother was talking about a friend of hers who is really skinny because she works out all the time.

Mom: All she does is bike and exercise, she doesn't even have a stomach.

Me (with a purposely bewildered look): Then how does she eat anything?

Many eye rolls and groans were had and my wife just glared at me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mydrumluck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2016
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I was cleaning my houses storm windows last weekend

Me to my dad: "I like cleaning glass. It ends up satisfyingly clean when your done"

my dad: "It's always nice to have clear objectives"

When I asked if he folded the possible reference to objective lenses into the joke on purpose, he just winked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uesarnem
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2017
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Going out of his way with garden tools to make a joke.

My dad brought a gardening hoe with us to my Grandma's house, just so she would ask why he brought one. My mom was there too. Grandma: "Why did you bring a hoe?" Dad: "She's not a hoe, she's my wife." (referring to my mom)

He seriously put a hoe in the trunk for the sole purpose of making a joke. He was very pleased with himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehnoko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2014
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Bread making Dad joke

My daughter and I were making some bread and I accidently splashed some flour on her . I said "sorry" and she said "you did it on purpose". I replied I did it on "All purpose".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trying_to_be_me
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2016
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Security Guard's Repeating Joke

I’m not sure, but I think this belongs here:

I work night shift as a unit clerk at a hospital, and there is this one old security guard who goes on rounds to every unit. He always stops at my desk and cracks really cheesy, cringe-worthy jokes. He has this one awful (awesome?) knee-slapper that seems to be a permanent fixture in his "dad joke" repertoire. He’s said it 3 or 4 times already since I’ve started working here in March, so I'm pretty sure this joke is constantly on standby for him.

This is the exact conversation every time:

Security dude: How are you doing this fine evening?

Me (purposefully setting myself up for it): Pretty good. How about you?

Security dude: Really? WELL, I’ve never been pretty or good, so I don't know what that's like! Hahahahahaha (continues to laugh like this is the funniest joke that’s ever been told).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bad-fish89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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Girlfriend had two groaners this weekend

First one, we were in some really bad St. Paddy's Day traffic. The people around us were honking and getting pissed and cutting each other off. She remarked that "someone's gonna get in an accident...well, in this case it would be an 'on purpose.'"

Second one, we were at the zoo and I pointed out the zebras, saying that I had spotted them. "Uh, don't you mean you striped them?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trumpet_23
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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The misses is on a fast track to dad jokes...

My fiancee knocked on to the floor at a friends house, a single slice cake we had got from Smith's; comes packaged in a small, square plastic container, and was still in the container when it hit the carpet. I still proceeded to give her a hard time saying she did it on purpose, etc. As she reached over to pick it up she accidentally dipped her shirt on to the top of a caramel covered brownie she was eating. She sat back up and noticed the caramel circle covering the nipple of her shirt, and without second thought cries, "Aww man, caramel's a bitch."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsonlythreeyears
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
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Proud of my gf for this one

Background: I moved to Europe recently and got a European girlfriend. One of my favourite things to do with her is when she tries to correct my horrible pronunciation I just keep repeating the word the same way and she keeps trying to correct me until she realizes.

So this happens when we were talking about MΓΌnchen. I said "Munch'n" (on purpose) and she said something like Moonkien. This went back and forth until I said "Munch'n... Oh man I love this game" to which she replied "Munch'n, how do you play that game?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattmcd87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2013
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FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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I'm a Bit of an Airhead... (Dad Joke Courtesy of My Mom)

Whenever I have a lot of school work to do in a short period of time, I like to get a bag of candy to munch on while I work. Today I have a big essay to write, and since my mom was already out I decided to ask her to pick some up for me.

Me: Can you pick up airheads for cramming purposes?

Mom: Wouldn't smarties work better? ;P

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cherrymaelstrom
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2014
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Got my wife just now

We were talking about Christmas shopping. We have a tradition that I buy her a pair of shoes every year.

This year, she wanted to just go buy a pair herself.

"I said that would defeat the purpose of Christmas shoes.

...

Pun intended."

...

Blank stares. Nothing.

"De-feet."

Groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatbridge
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2014
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My brother is a biology student...

After having completed his internship on bowel diseases, he was talking about the primary function of the colon. When he was finished, I helpfully added that the colon has the added purpose of indicating that you were about to start a list. "For example, 'colon', item one, item two, item three..."

The groan/glare he gave me was quite a reward!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nmukerjee27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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The Pope

So some background information. I used to play college basketball with a girl who's last name was "Pope", and we always called her Pope. For privacy purposes let's name her "Ashley Pope".

Anyways, today I am texting my dad, a serial dad-joker:

rugbybackliner: I'm pissed, TIME Magazine failed to recognize me as Person of the Year yet again! They copped out and gave it to the Pope.

Dad: I'm sorry, but tell Ashley congratulations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rugbybackliner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
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Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
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