Why did the pirate wear a paper towel for a hat?

He had a bounty on his head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanOfAllTrades80
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Why do magicians wear top hats?

So the audience can't see their hare!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSGaming0416
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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What kind of snake wears a hard hat?

A boa constuctor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tennessean4Life
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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Why do witches not wear a normal hat?

Because there's no point in it.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just turn it over and it's capsized

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TehSniper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2017
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What kind of hats do beers wear?

Bottle caps

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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My daughter asked that I not be funny when her friend came over because she said, I’m unorthodox. I offered to grow my sideburns out and wear a hat so then I would look fully orthodox.

β€˜That’s exactly what I mean’ she said

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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I've been known to wear wide brimmed Mexican hats

On sombrero-ccasions

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
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What type of hat do your peepers wear?

Eye-lids!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/memethetics
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2017
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I think think my son is paranoid, he's even wearing a tinfoil hat...

I just can't tell what he's thinking anymore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HakunaTraumata
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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Two female wizards are chatting... the first says to the second, I liked the hat you were wearing last week. The second says...

Witch hat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clearly-Opaque
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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I started getting death threats after wearing paper towels for a hat...

Apparently there's a Bounty on my head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeLittleMan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2017
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My boss came in wearing his golf hat.

What a super visor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdvantaJeous
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says, β€œDon’t bother me!”

So I asked him how much it costs and whether or not it works.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
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I shaved my dog so he looks like he's wearing a hat.

I guess you could call it a furdora.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesubordinate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2017
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Had to double take when I saw a snake wearing a hard hat

Turns out it was his work attire...

He's a boa constructor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/parkerthedeal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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A three legged dog wearing a cowboy hat

walks I to a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the no good scoundrel who shot my pa!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubeykeebler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
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My dad's best joke

"Ain't those lumpy farts the shits?"

This is my favorite joke my dad told me. He passed away 11 years ago. When we were cleaning out his stuff, I found a blank book where he had written a bunch of dumb one-liners and favorite quotes. I photocopied them, cut them apart, and gave my sisters each an envelope full of dad's wisdom. I wish I could have seen their faces when they pulled this one out!

My sister gave me one of his old cowboy hats this week, so I've been wearing it a lot and thinking of him. Hope y'all got a chuckle out of this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Juevolitos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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While working retail tonight, I was wearing a bag we sell like a hat as I was walking around and shelving items...

Manager says "Take that off, you're going to rip it."

I respond: "Well if I do it will be on my head."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/footstepsfading
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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Was playing air hockey with my dad when he said "Look, I'm wearing one of those Mexican hats!

http://imgur.com/T4GOARD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWilted
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2014
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Party

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." observed the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Sticky situation youtu.be/U_YBzJBa_mA
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norspur
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hangin'."

"The hangin'? Who are they hangin'? Anybody I'd know?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"Never Heard of him. Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, a brown paper vest, and brown paper shoes."

"Well I don't reckon I know anyone like that," says the cowboy. "What're they hangin' him for?"

"Rustlin'" says the bartender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wgwalkerii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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Giving my one year old boy a shoulder ride when I lifted him up and put him on my head...

Turned to the wife and said "Do you like what I'm wearing?" (Lulling her into a false sense of security)
She smiles at me, blissfully unaware of my setup and thinking I'm just being cute.
"It's a son-hat." I say with a grin.
The groan she gave me told me I had done well.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
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Classic dad

My brother is really into hunting.

Brother: *wearing a camo coat and hat

Dad: "Woah! I didn't see you there!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/THEREALNICKJONAS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
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If /puns were to host a fence building party according to the rules...

(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)

  1. No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.

  2. The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.

  3. If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.

  4. Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.

  5. You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.

  6. If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.

  7. When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...

For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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If I had known that this subreddit existed, I would've shared the tale of Brown Paper Bart with you long ago.

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]

"...Rustlin'."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malenkylizards
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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My wife blames me for getting verbally abused when she went to an animal rights rally in bobington.

She must have thought I said 'wear the fox hat'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2017
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I'm practicing to be a dad.

We were on the way to church and my wife asks me how she should wear her shirt? My reply was,"Any way you want it, but it would look pretty silly as a hat."

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
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My sister set herself up for this one

We were cruising downtown when she points at a lady and says "I thought the hat she's wearing was her hair!"

So I go, "Why would anyone wear a rabbit on their head?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PointedSmile
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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Now thats a good koality hat

While at this breakfast for a committee I'm on at my college, this girl came up wearing a koala hat. My friend proceeded to say

"now that's a good koality hat."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orcie101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2014
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Dad got my sister's boyfriend via Skype.

So my parents were Skyping my sister (who moved many hours away) and her new boyfriend (whom they've never met) and my dad was wearing a hardhat on screen.

Boyfriend: "Why are you wearing a hard hat?" Dad: "Because we're building a relationship!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icanarejesus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
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Made a few dad jokes at work this week

So I work in a distribution wearhouse for an orange chainsaw company and I work there with my dad.

So a few of the guys in the wearhouse like to wear toques, a winter hat that covers your ears for you non-Canadians, and my dad mentioned this to me as we're heading off to lunch so I say, "well, I guess there are toque kinds of people...". Even my dad groaned.

One of the afore mentioned toque wearing guys was picking a particularly big order consisting of mostly gloves, and he starts complaining that there are too many damn gloves in this order. So I sarcastically replied, "I bet you just gloved picking that order." He just turned around and walked away and didn't speak to me the rest of the day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dorminder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2015
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Got my fiance today.

While driving, a man beside us is wearing a cowboy hat.

Her: that cowboy is intense.

Me: No he isn't, he's in car!

If looks could kill...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reddorade
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2015
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Customer dad joked me..

This guy comes in all the time; he's a bit older, i'd wager around 70 or so, and he's always wearing these awesome bolo ties with sick button-down-shirts that have turtle patterns on them. None of this is relevant to the joke but i feel it necessary to at least give a bit of background.

Any way, he comes in, orders his pictures and when he came back to pick them up, he goes: "Hey, did I tell you what the hat said to the hat rack?" "Whaaa?" " 'Alight, you stay here, I'll go on a head' "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shitgazelol
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2014
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Swedish/Intercultural Dad Facebook Jokes

I posted a picture on Facebook of my grandmother wearing a fantastic hat from when she was my age. My family is Swedish, the word for grandmother (mother's mother) is Mor Mor. He commented on one picture thusly:

Dad: I will be posting a collection/selection of your Mor Mor (not your Mor Mor Mor) but actually some may contain both your Mor Mor and Mor Mor Mor who is you mother's Mor Mor. But you knew that.

(Then correcting his omission)

Dad: I meant to indicate it would be a hat based collection but got mor than confused.

Bonus points for attempting to learn Facebook, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inkandbourbon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
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