The sleeper agent dad

My family and I were out for brunch at a somewhat fancy hotel restaurant. It was a buffet and they had set up the desserts in the wine cellar/room.

My dad, nearing the end of his meal, asks "Where's the dessert?"

I point and say, "In the wine cellar" but in between the cellar and me is my mom and it looks like I'm pointing to her.

Dad responds with, "Sell her? I still need her though."

I sat there a little awestruck since he's never really been one to utter puns. I crack them all the time but I guess every dad has dad jokes in them; they're just waiting for the right time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tunzor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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I live in an area where cows are fairly common

Dad: Oh my God. Look at that! (starts pointing frantically)

Me: What? What! What is it! What am I looking at?

Dad: The cows! Don't you see them?

Me: Yea, i see them a lot, nothing special...

Dad: Nothing special?!?!? Why, they are UTTERLY fantastic!!

And then proceeds to make other utter puns until he cries of joy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudeofdar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
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they are utterly hilarious

Jokes about mountains are great, they are Peak comedy!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spycrabpuppet123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2022
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these replies are pretty cabbage.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aryakalpa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
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Secret Agent Shima, was involved in Japan's nuclear power station meltdown. So upset with it, i only uttered

Fukushima !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Character_Owl6473
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2022
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What's the best way to ground an electrical current?

No TV for a week.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UltimaBahamut93
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2022
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Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Where ever you left it πŸ€·β€β™€οΈπŸ€­

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kitkatty0309
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2022
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Who can order someone to impale their homie's grandmother by simply uttering their name?

Pierce Bro'sNan

Aight, imma head out.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbstruseAnon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2021
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Why was the cow prescribed Xanax

Utter depression

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Micruv10
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2022
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We were utterly defeated by 2020

Because next year is 2020 won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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I just read an article about a cow that was struck by lightening

It was utterly shocking

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJWIZARD3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2022
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Did you hear about the 80s singer who was utterly unyielding in attitude or opinion in spite of all appeals?

He was AdamAnt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anarchyinyourhead
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mahlerguy2000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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Barack Obama missed one

In his new nature show on Netflix, "Our Great National Parks", he was describing a mama OTTER and her newborn pup. Without its mother, he said, the baby is "utterly helpless".

"Utterly"?

I mean come on...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sugarfreelemonade
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2022
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The Utter Balm
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diamondchewtoy
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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I once slept with a girl I met during a festival, but we didn’t utter a word to each other before, during or after.

And I must say, it made it rather in-tents.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/archiewalton09
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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What do you call a Spanish cow that's really hot

Moo-y caliente

πŸ‘︎ 689
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker-here
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2021
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Player: β€œThis is Utter Balderdash” DM: β€œWell, Actually...”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thickhourglass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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These cows are really milking the shade. Utterly ridiculous.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MackAttack815
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
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What does a cow say to her girlfriend?

We are made for each utters.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ebalo420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2022
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At the dawn of the Stone Age…

Og the caveman noticed that after a long period of darkness the sun would rise, traverse across the sky and then sink below the horizon.

Then darkness… until the sun would again rise once again, travel across the sky and sink below the horizon.

Again and again. Over and over.

Og wished to give a name to this event.

He thought long and hard. He tried all sorts of words until his brain hurt and his tongue lolled in his mouth.

He tried every variation of sounds he could think of until he was exhausted.

In the end, utterly exhausted, he just gave up and called it a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2022
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I just lost my job at the calendar factory... I am utterly confused.

All I did was take a day off...

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevonWhiteTurnUp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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If a cow doesn’t produce milk…

…is it a milk dud or a utter failure?

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ddvl1285
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2022
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What did the mama cow say to the baby cow ?

it’s pasture bedtime

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaCk_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2021
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What is a dadjoke?

I know this topic has been done to death in here and I apologise to the mods for bringing it up again but recent "jokes" have made me question what the point of this sub is.

I'd like to not have a discussion about "should we let NSFW jokes here or not" instead I think it should be important to understand what everyone thinks their defenition of a dadjoke actually is.

Before I say my definition I want to make it clear that I whole heartedly enjoy good NSFW jokes and I'm a regular visitor to r/unclejokes.

My defenition: a good dadjoke is something that is usually based around a bad pun or clever word play that makes people around you groan or roll their eyes, similar to the types of jokes you find in Christmas crackers, they are so bad that they are good. The language involved can sometimes be a bit NSFW depending on the subject material but on the whole if you change things about a bit your can make it suitable for most ages. It is the type of joke where when you tell it everyone's first reaction is to complain how bad it is before then secretly uttering a chuckle themselves.

I want to know what everyone else's definition of a dadjoke is so that we can see what everyone thinks. The old "it's a dadjoke because I'm a dad and I'm telling a joke" I just don't think is an accurate enough description so trying to get a better one.

Thank you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossta42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2021
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Have you heard how the moon cuts his hair?

Eclipse it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theoriginalclarky
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2021
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I was food shopping with my wife when I came across something that was utterly shocking…

"Look at this!" I said. "It contains 95% fat!"

She replied, "You're just pointing at me in a mirror."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2017
🚨︎ report
The cow told me something about the weather.

If it snows to much, it gets utterly cold.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themasonking
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2022
🚨︎ report
To us a steak dinner might be a big deal

But to a cow it's just an utter day

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBeenKnocked
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad pulled the best (and only) dad joke I've ever heard him utter while we were assembling ginger bread houses.

Some family friends of ours needed our help mass producing some ginger bread houses for an event they do every year. They make an insane amount of pieces, so they need help cutting out the doors, windows, and over all assembly. The family friend, my dad, and myself were all cutting out windows and doors when this happened:

Me: Aw man, one of these pieces just broke.

Family Friend: It's alright, we have extra. But every time I see one fall apart I see 30 minutes of my life go away.

Dad: Well I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Me: loses it

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveTheViking
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roke619
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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I yelled β€œCOW” at a woman on a bike.

She flipped me off then hit the cow.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.

I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.

Edit: corrected an udder failure.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QualityProof
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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Keep cows well hydrated

Otherwise, they turn into real jerkies.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wyllyam1111
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Why don't cows wear shoes ?

They lactose. ( lack toes ? ) . I'll see my self out.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boshman420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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My five year old daughter, wearing a Sleeping Beauty dress, casually playing with Legos: "ROAR ROAR ROARRRR!"

Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"

Her: "Its me."

Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"

Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"

My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/someredditorguy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump a barbed wire fence?

Utter disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Super4rank
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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Never trust a jellyfish with anything important

They're utterly spineless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2021
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I used to be afraid of cows.

I mooved past it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotmama1230
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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I Guess the Steaks are High When You Drive Down This Road
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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Cows are utterly nourishing.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kennedystyle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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What do you call a cow that cannot produce milk?

A milk dud or an utter failure?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2021
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What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?

Utter destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 393
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sasha678910
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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