What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
The United States Postal Service got jokes
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...
To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.
What's the difference between the United States and United Kingdom
TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...
The were The Ruff Riders.
My friend tried to ride his horse from Maine to the Southwestern United States for a type of bean but was hit by an older Ford...
What was the 16th president of the United States told before the dinner party?
The United States is a cancer.
Its birthday is July 4th.
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America. You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
I hear the United States is well stocked for a bird-of-prey flu epidemic...
There are plenty of ill eagle drugs for just such emergency.
Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?
If the United States annexed all of Canada and multiplied it’s area by two, what would you get?
What do you call a country of lazy people?
Nevada is the NV of the United States.
We need to add three more states to the United States of America
53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.
In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
My office space is a cubicle, president of the United States has an oval.
Someone has been cutting corners.
Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming “Mickey Mouse”!
When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked “Why did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said “I was trying to say Donald Duck!”
Which branch of military is the most patriotic in the United States?
The Air Force, because they're US AF.
President Trump has announced a ban on all shredded cheese in the United States.
In doing so he promises to Make America Grate Again.
what do you call an air conditioning unit in the capital of the united states?
What is the longest name for a boy in the United States, but not in most other countries?
My foreign friend moved to the United States and brought his sick bird with him.
Unfortunately, he was arrested for being an ill-eagle immigrant.
If someone ever throws something at the President of the United States during an important press conference with other world leaders, what should you scream?
I was throwing darts at a map of the continental united states when I...
Why is there 2 d's in 'Reddit'?
Without periods
The United States is just like the rest of us
My dad when we were talking about recent crime in the United States...
Dad: Hey did you hear a bout what happened in Texas the other day?
Me: No, what happened?
Dad: Well there was these kids standing on an overpass of the highway, and they were dangling a noose over the edge trying to distract drivers. After a while the noose gets lower and lower and ends up catching a guys hand hanging out of the window, and ripped it clean off.
Me: Holy Shit no way that happened?!
Dad: Yup! And guess what they charged the kid with?
Me: I have no idea.
Dad: Armed Robbery....
The first president of the United States had to deal with a lot of laundry.
He was washing ton of it.
The United States?
Not anymore. Look at its Untied State.
My dad said that Texas should hold a vote to secede from the United States.
What's the No. 2 antibiotic in the United States?
My dad just sent me this. " Today's Windsor Star says that Wiz Khalifa was arrested for public urination behind a bar in the United States."
Got Dad joked in front of the Surgeon General of the United States today
So I'm at the promotion ceremony of my girlfriend's Dad today. He's being promoted to Assistant Surgeon General so it's a pretty big deal. He's giving his speech and he's acknowledging all the people who are in his life and have come today to celebrate with him. He says this with Surgeon General Murthy sitting behind him, "there are also two of my daughters boyfriends here with me, Mr other daughter's boyfriend, and Mr. Jack The_Baboons_Ass. Let me tell you something about the Mr. The_Baboons_Ass, if you don't know him, you don't know Jack."
The Surgeon General looks on not knowing what too think while I'm cracking up. The Surgeon General then comes up to me after the ceremony and introduces himself, saying "Nice to meet you Jack, I guess I do know Jack now" and walks away
What was the 16th president of the United States told before a dinner party?
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?
The Air Force; they're US AF
The United States Air Force is more than American...
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