A quackcident
So my dad (known as gramps) has taken my kids for a week for a fun summer vacation. While they were all eating at a restaurant, he texted me a conversation that took place:
Kid: "How do I know when my chocolate milk has expired?"
Gramps: "Look at the cap."
Kid: "Wow, they got this at best by!"
I lacked the drive."
Walking with my girlfriend, noticed a discarded soda can on the sidewalk.
"I hate people who litter! It's so trashy."
"...cute."
"Wh-- ...AUGHHH"
My girlfriend and I were talking last night, and I couldn't understand what she was saying at first. So she says:
'You need to learn sign language. Its really handy.'
It took her a few minutes of me laughing for her to get it.
While in the midst of a long road trip, my dad and I had this exchange:
Me: You wanna take a break?
Dad: Well, I could stand to stretch my legs...
I was driving my sister home earlier today and there was this guy on the highway driving an off road jeep and smoking a cigar. She went to take a picture.
Her: I almost got it, but he turned too soon
Me: It was close?
Her: yeah, you can't see that he's smoking
Me: so no cigar?
We were driving to a friend's place when my brother points out a house with a rather large window and says, "That window must be a pain to wash." It took us all about 3 seconds before we all groaned.
Scene: trimming my mustache Wife: why are you cutting it Me: I like it a hair above my lip
I'm embarrassed at how long it took me to see the [unintentional] pun there.
Friend and I were having a rather bizarre discussion online when it jokingly turned into this:
Friend: "Anyone who denies (insert comic character) is a heretic. He's a minor deity."
Me: "Oookay, I'm going to stop you there."
Friend: "Probably a god thing."
(I'm not sure this constitutes a dad joke, but the unintentional pun immediately made me think of you guys. Sorry for any offense!)
I totally get the rage, I just don't get the Target.
I'd been doing yard and shed work on a hot day and bought some boardshorts/trunks from an op shop (goodwill) on my way home. Joked around with the older ladies at the register. They said I should try them on and give them a parade... As I was walking away I said "... nah, I'm too hot and dirty..."
As the words were still coming out of my mouth I realized what I'd done. I left in a confused haze of embarrassment and achievement. For a brief moment I touched the state of effortless dad joke.
Before today this guy had 22 subscribes. Since being posted on reddit, his subscriber count is much higher. Regardless, his Dad jokes are unparalleled.
"Do you know which president had the strongest stomach muscles? Abs Lincoln."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_owbX2VkcE
Edit: Au, thanks for the gold!
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Me: Sanding dry wall putty, as I prep a room to paint
Wife: Walks in and says, “It looks like everything is going smoothly”
Me: “Yeah, but It started off a little rough”
I don't know if I should get an episiotomy or not, I'm torn.
... is still struggling to get off the ground."
My wife comes into the room where I'm changing our first son, and says, "Whats up."
I, busy and slightly frustrated with his wet clothes replied, "Urine trouble."
Afraid that this was indication of her bad mothering she asked, "What did I do?"
Took us a couple minutes to get through that one.
Was working in the medical field today, helping a coworker put in 30ish individually wrapped syringes into a bag. They weren't put in the best orientation and required slight bit of pressure to close fully.
I told him to be careful even though there are caps on the syringes.
He responds: "I see your point."
https://youtu.be/Ri791tauGmU
I notice her underwear has these big seams on each side so I say "Hmm seems like that would be annoying" She starts laughing. I say "What?? I don't get it... oh SEAMS annoying.. ugh". I made my self groan unintentionally.
So me and the girlfriend had date night tonight and at one point prior to the movie she talked about how everything is changing and I should know she is afraid of change. Shortly after the movie as we pull out of the theatre I reach into the handle of the car door and grab a couple coins and toss them at her while she's posting how great the movie was. She gets startled and does a Eep I immediately just go hmm... I guess you are afraid of change and she just sighs in aggravation
A former inmate was signing books at Alcatraz today. He was an inmate there for 15 years. It was later in the day, so I tried to make polite conversation. I asked, "have you been here long?"
He didn't answer...
My roommate is thinking of getting a dog.
"I don't know, they're so much work. It really gives me paws."
I found myself using my eraser and shaking the beers on the table which made a loud annoying sound. So, I picked them up, and put them on the floor, and said "you're grounded"!
I just made a dad joke while doing a dad action. I'm going to make a great dad, so watch out ladies.
A couple weeks ago my husband was complaining about how much work he tends to put off until the last minute. I said, "Weren't you reading that book a few months ago, 'The Procrastination Equation?'"
"I...well...I didn't finish it."
All I know is it could might as well have been said by my dad http://i.imgur.com/Q1FbQeg.jpg
To which he replied, "Yeah, last time I looked"
He then proceeded to laugh at his unintentional joke for a few minutes, while the rest of us rolled our eyes.
So, we had been texting, when I get a call from her, only to realize that it was an unintentional call.
>Me: I think you just butt-dialed me..
>Her: Are you insinuating that I booty called you?
I died laughing. I think this could go somewhere...
I think it was unintentional but the dialogue went:
Frank: Are you coming to the memorial today?
Claire: Do I have to?
Frank: No.
Claire: I'm buried right now.
Frank: Fine.
A bit of backstory. I'm notorious among my circle of friends for telling "terrible puns/jokes" I think it's amazing, but I'd been rolling them out all day, patience for puns must've gotten shortened.
I'm talking with Shorty (named because she had short hair) and she was telling me about a book she had started.
Shorty "So the book's called 'Cutting for Stone' and it's like a doctor drama kinda thing, the only issue is that that it's super heavy on the medical terminology, so many bloody surgeries and procedures are listed, and I don't really know anything about that kids stuff. Like it's got an interesting plot but I don't know if I can't finish it, I'm not to sure I'm cut out for it"
At that last line I began laughing (her pun was unintentional) and compliment her on it "ha that was good. You're not 'cut out' for it"
Shorty "Oh god that was terrible just stop"
Me "You want me to 'cut' it out?"
Shorty "I'm going to kill you if you keep this up woman"
Me "You're gonna 'cut' me up?"
Shorty "Your jokes are terrible and it's proven that puns make people angry"
At this point I was just rolling in my chair laughing I really couldn't keep it together, possibly the best reply rolls through my head after this comment, I crack up, there I am choking out as tears come to my eyes. "Well it's a good thing it's not a PUNishable offense"
The girl next to me starts laughing as shorty yells at me how I can't just start crying at my own jokes.
TLDR; A witty banter of sharper than usual humor, as I walk a razor thin line of pissing off my friend and pissing myself with laughter.
I have many other stories so I titled this part one,if anybody likes my writing and jokes I'll share the rest!
My mom used to reply to an unintentional rhyme in conversation:
"You're a poet, and you didn't know it!
but your feet show it - because they're LONG ONES."
and then she'd laugh at herself.
Years later I realized the joke is supposed to be "...because they're Longfellows"
