My dad was his bowling league champion for 5 years straight! Needless to say, I looked up to him (not only because I was shorter than he)...

He was my roll model.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I put my mates chocolate bars in different wrappers. Needless to say,

He got his snickers in a twix.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
So Kate Upton's pregnant. Needless to say, I think...

https://preview.redd.it/eo2x1kwiutm11.png?width=2014&format=png&auto=webp&s=fd5e00bbd44ef164a557451f895889611c9075ce

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bballconnor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I had a bad experience at the new Mediterranean food place. Needless to say, I falafel about my decision.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Needless to say, I face palmed...

Me: "Dad, what are you going to do when your PS4 arrives?"

Dad: "Turn it on."

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShowersUp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad let this one go in front of my religious aunt. Needless to say, we we're uninvited to Easter dinner.

Did you hear, Jesus and a couple of 2x4s walked into a bar. They got hammered together.

I don't know what her problem was, I think dad nailed it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barthm1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
🚨︎ report
What did the new crematorium say about the grave digger?

I’m about to ruin this man’s hole career.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grave_Digger606
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
True Story: tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.

My 4 year old said β€œmummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”

Needless to say I was in stitches.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
There is no point in adding an extra 's' to the word needles.

It's needless.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my wife that she is somebody I used to know.

My wife: Why? Me: Ha, Gotye there.

Needless to say, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarijuanaBagels
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a bet that I could avoid horses for a week

Needless to say, I ignored all the neigh sayers.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WeebSportsResort
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently staged an intervention for my religious feline addict.

Needless to say, he's not a Catholic anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bballconnor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to rob a bank but the vault was covered in a thin layer of aluminum

Needless to say, my plans were foiled

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElizaWolf8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.

Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I work in the kelp industry

Needless to say, I seaweed everyday

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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Somebody tries fighting me while I was holding lollipop

Needless to say, he got sucker punched

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DingusTickler007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a bad dream last night

I dreamt that I was a tailpipe, needless to say when I woke up I was exhausted

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hanksvedin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend was feeling naughty last night.

So my girlfriend asked me to help her brush her hair cause she said it was knotty. This is our conversation

GF: Hey can you brush my hair real quick? It's knotty.

ME: Sure but let me slip into something more comfortable.

GF: Why?

ME: Cause it's naughty (also had my best sexy face on)

GF: ... Ugh...

Needless to say she's brushed it herself.

πŸ‘︎ 476
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maverickthegreat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
🚨︎ report
The Emperor of Gorgasol refused to appoint his daughter as his heir.

Needless to say, she was not empressed.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miketar85
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My 6yo daughter dadjoked me (her dad) this weekend

"Are you excited to color eggs?"

"I guess you could say I was egg-cited! Wah-wah-WAAAAAH!"

πŸ‘︎ 184
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trevize1138
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Ya ever hear of the panda girlfriend that tried tricking her panda boyfriend into eating vegan?

Needless to say... he was bamboozled

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zomida
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DCCXXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Went to see the hip doctor today.

Needless to say he was pretty cool.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patchoulius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
How far can I get...

(True Dad Joke Story)

My friend and I were coming back from golfing on what felt like the hottest day of the year when he got a flat tire on the freeway. We get out, sweat our butts off, and change the tire. I wasn’t sure how far we could go on the spare and I called my dad to see what he thought...

ME: β€œHow far can we get on a donut?”

DAD: β€œHmmm I’d probably say till lunch time!”

Needless to say I was not amused at the time - my dad thought he was a genius.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoobieWRX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms

Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XxStupidBusxX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my girlfriend today when she told me she purchased some needles

Girlfriend: I bought some new needles at target earlier. Me: That's cool baby. Are they good needles or are they just....sew sew.

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohlawdjeezeus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend just dad joked me.

Her: I was thinking about making a belt out of watches.

Me: Oh yea? That would look really cool!

Her: Nah, I realised it'd be a waist of time.

Needless to say, she's a keeper (of time)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RadiatorSam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
🚨︎ report
My 7 yo son asked about my tattoo this morning.

Son: Dad, what are flying pigs actually called?

Me: I think they're just called flying pigs.

Son: No, it's a Pigasus!

Needless to say, I was very proud. Even my wife laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthRusty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
My brother just dadjoked me

The song playing from my phone said something about growing old and my brother responded with this gem: "You always hear about people growing old, but they never talk about harvesting it."

Needless to say headshakes were had.

EDIT: Spelling.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fhbgds14531
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2014
🚨︎ report
My uncle is something else

So my uncle picked me up from my boyfriends after work tonight, and asked how my day went. I explained to him that there was a snake and one of the dogs I take care of was protecting me and trying to warn me about said snake. This is how everything went down:

Uncle: it was probably a gopher snake.

Me: very true. We had a lot of them in Texas so I’m not too worried.

Uncle: you know, that’s how you ask for it.

Me: what do you mean?

Uncle: when you ask for something to eat you say β€˜I could GO-PHER snake right about now’.

Needless to say we finished the ride with more horrid dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yjohnson259
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My water and electricity bills came at the same time this month.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my Dad Today

So my dad and I were walking down the waterfront after getting fish and chips, and we walked past an antique shop. We hadn't been to this area in a while.

Dad: It's been ages since I've been in there.

Me: Well they don't have anything new.

Needless to say he had a chuckle.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrRandomnez
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2014
🚨︎ report
i asked a girl wearing fur boots and Apple Bottom jeans for water

needless to say, shawty got l'eau

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gowthamcity
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
🚨︎ report
So my friend told me how saliva worked when it goes down the throat.

Needless to say, a lot of spit went down.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Milkman-Jones
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I've always gotten small shocks when touching metal objects, but that stopped recently.

Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamoose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
🚨︎ report
I was recently chased by ISIS when i went to the Middle East

Needless to say, Iran.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpha_RaptorRex
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Ever since I stopped wearing woolly socks, I no longer get shocked when I walk across a carpeted room.

Needless to say, I’m ecstatic.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/washcapsfan37
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall into a ravine on the other side...

...needless to say, he lost his sh*t.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shi-Rokku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Money joke

At the snowball stand they had a sign that said no bills larger than 20. My Dad pulls out a $100 bill and a $20 dollar bill and compares them in size and argues. Needless to say, she didn’t budge, I laughed though

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Some rude guy just walked by and dumped a bag of Doritos over my head.

Needless to say I have a chip on my shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stefanopolis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I may never fully recover from this one.

As my family was driving to a restaurant, my mom pointed out a cool looking Audi car.
My dad: "Hm, I wonder when they will make innies?"
Needless to say, there was much "uhg"-ing on this night.

πŸ‘︎ 216
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Protoss_Pylon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Needless to say,
πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vijo_morgenstein
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Needless to say...

Didn't say it, because it's needless.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unholypigeon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Worth the read...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KT11616
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report

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