Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?

They only have a pair of trunks.

-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCVisNih
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?

two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadwfiend
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!

Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redirishlad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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TIL: Two elephants of the same herd won’t go into the same body of water together at the same time.

It’s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justshtmypnts
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I’m reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. They’ve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.

It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just can’t-elope

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunkyFaz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"

The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Two Thirty, heard this pun a thousand times growing up in a house of dentists.
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ewriella
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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What do you call it when two Egyptians fart at the same time?

Tutankhamen

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesometoenails
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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What do you call two people looking at the same thing at different times?

Seesaw

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laurencelara22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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If doing something two times is called Twice, what do we call doing something nine times?

Nice

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doorbell28
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. β€˜Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’

β€˜Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths β€˜ was his technically correct answer

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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In these hard times of 2020, I know two things you can always count on,

A calculator and an abacus....

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/raymondo1981
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Original joke time! The apples I had to remove the peals from all appeared in twos, matched for use together.

They pared up nicely.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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What do you call two Egyptian guys farting at the same time?

Tootincommon

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thrillho333
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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I remember the first time I bolted two things together with metal fasteners.

That was a riveting experience.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.

I guess I must've looked shady.

[Based on a true story!]

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
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I dated two girls at the same time in high school.

Kate and Edith. They both found out pretty quick... taught me a good lesson... You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/USAneedsAJohnson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!

She's going to love these flowers!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?

A square dance

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadacolt45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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If you missed the special NYE this time, just wait for two years.

Because 2022 is 2020, too.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sobrasada1009
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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What do you call two Corgis that violate the laws of space-time?

A pair-of-dogs.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UltimateZebra19
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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What do you call it when you dip two celery sticks in ranch at the same time?

Double dipping

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exulansiss
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"

The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taco_Pie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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Two Egyptian kings fart at the same time. How are they similar?

They have a Pharoah toot in common.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DURPSTER11
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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I just had two colleagues play "Bicycle Race" by Queen at the same time.

I told them it was nice to hear them working in tandem with each other.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/odd_gamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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What do you get when Hitler doesn't lie, then lies once, then again, then two more times, then three times, then five, then eight, then thirteen times?

A fibber Nazi sequence.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dragondorkdad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, β€œWe can’t, we’re adders.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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My wife had two crowns put on her teeth yesterday. She was complaining about the pain and the dentist gave her some medication for it. We are talking later and she said that she waited too long between the first and second pill and her teeth started to ache again. I asked her what time that was.

She said she didn't remember.

I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!

She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.

Totally worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackdragon8577
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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Do you know why you never see two doctors in the same place/time?

You never see it because it would be a pair o' docs. (Paradox)

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stuntslushy1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2016
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That time I beat my dad at his own game. In the middle of a heated lecture about not joining my friends' shenanigans, dad said, "Two wrongs don't make a right."

"Two Wrights do make an airplane."

"I'm proud of you. You're still grounded though."

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustJosh724
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
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Imagine the Russian Empire having two heads of state at the same time...

that would be real bizarre.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/octalgon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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Two guys working as movers are short on time for their job and one guy is taking to many breaks.

β€œQuit STALLIN and start PUTIN things in the truck. We’re RUSSIAN over here.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrandNewLogic
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2018
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Three times is one two many
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikhilbhavsar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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Saw a monkey trying to stuff two bananas in its mouth at the same time. Thought it was odd.

Turns out, it was even.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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Why do Latinos cross the border two at a time?

'Cause they see a sign that reads, No Tres Passing.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oposada
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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My dad uses these two jokes every time he drives past a cemetery.

"Wow! People must be dying to get in there."

Or

DAD: "What did one dead person say to another?"

ME: "What?"

DAD: "....................................."

ME: "Seriously, what did he say?"

DAD: "......................................"

ME: "OHHHHHHHH, I get it."

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonathanCutrona
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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If two online friends meet each other first time in real world in disco club...

... can we say that they disconnected?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoralsAreUgly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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In the time honored tradition, President Trump pardoned two turkeys this Thanksgiving.

Trump Jr and Eric were mighty relieved.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derawin08
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
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What time is it when you can buy tea for two dollars?

2:40 (Two for Tea)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StumptheTrump1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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Bicycles have a hard time staying up because they're just two tired
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluffguck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
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What do you call two embarrassing things that happen at the same time?

A cowincedence. Ha... hahaha... hahaaaaa I'm sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCS117
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2017
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What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitchinatr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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What do you call it when two ancient Egyptians fart at the same time?

Toot in common

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoldMyDirrk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?

They only have one pair of trunks.

πŸ‘︎ 390
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devnodegree
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when two Egyptians fart at the same time?

Tutankhamun.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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