Why canβt two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
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︎ Dec 30 2020
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you canβt have your Kate and Edith too
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︎ Dec 23 2020
TIL: Two elephants of the same herd wonβt go into the same body of water together at the same time.
Itβs because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.
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︎ Jul 22 2020
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
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︎ Nov 13 2020
Iβm reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. Theyβve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just canβt-elope
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︎ Aug 05 2020
Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
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︎ Nov 02 2020
Two Thirty, heard this pun a thousand times growing up in a house of dentists.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
What do you call it when two Egyptians fart at the same time?
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︎ Nov 13 2020
What do you call two people looking at the same thing at different times?
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︎ Oct 29 2020
If doing something two times is called Twice, what do we call doing something nine times?
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︎ Aug 09 2020
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. βDo you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?β
βBecause we donβt need depth perception with our mouths β was his technically correct answer
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︎ Jun 29 2019
In these hard times of 2020, I know two things you can always count on,
A calculator and an abacus....
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︎ Aug 22 2020
Original joke time! The apples I had to remove the peals from all appeared in twos, matched for use together.
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︎ May 03 2020
What do you call two Egyptian guys farting at the same time?
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︎ Oct 27 2019
I remember the first time I bolted two things together with metal fasteners.
That was a riveting experience.
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︎ Jan 28 2020
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady.
[Based on a true story!]
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︎ Jan 18 2020
I dated two girls at the same time in high school.
Kate and Edith. They both found out pretty quick... taught me a good lesson... You canβt have your Kate and Edith too.
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︎ Aug 06 2019
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
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︎ Dec 22 2019
From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?
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︎ Dec 18 2019
If you missed the special NYE this time, just wait for two years.
Because 2022 is 2020, too.
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︎ Jan 03 2020
What do you call two Corgis that violate the laws of space-time?
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︎ Oct 14 2019
What do you call it when you dip two celery sticks in ranch at the same time?
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︎ Jul 03 2019
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
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︎ Feb 11 2019
Two Egyptian kings fart at the same time. How are they similar?
They have a Pharoah toot in common.
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︎ Sep 01 2019
I just had two colleagues play "Bicycle Race" by Queen at the same time.
I told them it was nice to hear them working in tandem with each other.
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︎ Jan 24 2019
What do you get when Hitler doesn't lie, then lies once, then again, then two more times, then three times, then five, then eight, then thirteen times?
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︎ Oct 30 2018
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, βWhy arenβt you multiplying?β
The snakes replied, βWe canβt, weβre adders.β
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︎ Apr 28 2019
My wife had two crowns put on her teeth yesterday. She was complaining about the pain and the dentist gave her some medication for it. We are talking later and she said that she waited too long between the first and second pill and her teeth started to ache again. I asked her what time that was.
She said she didn't remember.
I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!
She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.
Totally worth it.
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︎ Dec 22 2018
Do you know why you never see two doctors in the same place/time?
You never see it because it would be a pair o' docs. (Paradox)
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︎ Nov 21 2016
That time I beat my dad at his own game. In the middle of a heated lecture about not joining my friends' shenanigans, dad said, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
"Two Wrights do make an airplane."
"I'm proud of you. You're still grounded though."
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︎ Feb 02 2018
Imagine the Russian Empire having two heads of state at the same time...
that would be real bizarre.
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︎ Feb 10 2019
Two guys working as movers are short on time for their job and one guy is taking to many breaks.
βQuit STALLIN and start PUTIN things in the truck. Weβre RUSSIAN over here.β
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︎ May 05 2018
Three times is one two many
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︎ Jun 22 2018
Saw a monkey trying to stuff two bananas in its mouth at the same time. Thought it was odd.
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︎ Jan 08 2019
Why do Latinos cross the border two at a time?
'Cause they see a sign that reads, No Tres Passing.
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︎ Jun 16 2018
My dad uses these two jokes every time he drives past a cemetery.
"Wow! People must be dying to get in there."
Or
DAD: "What did one dead person say to another?"
ME: "What?"
DAD: "....................................."
ME: "Seriously, what did he say?"
DAD: "......................................"
ME: "OHHHHHHHH, I get it."
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︎ Oct 10 2013
If two online friends meet each other first time in real world in disco club...
... can we say that they disconnected?
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︎ Apr 18 2018
In the time honored tradition, President Trump pardoned two turkeys this Thanksgiving.
Trump Jr and Eric were mighty relieved.
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︎ Nov 26 2017
What time is it when you can buy tea for two dollars?
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︎ Jun 15 2017
Bicycles have a hard time staying up because they're just two tired
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︎ Jun 30 2016
What do you call two embarrassing things that happen at the same time?
A cowincedence. Ha... hahaha... hahaaaaa I'm sorry.
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︎ Jun 03 2017
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
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︎ Feb 18 2020
What do you call it when two ancient Egyptians fart at the same time?
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︎ Aug 10 2020
Why canβt two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have one pair of trunks.
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︎ Sep 04 2018
What do you call it when two Egyptians fart at the same time?
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︎ Sep 18 2018
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