Touristed Puns

After he climbed out he said, "Here is ze dog, dry him off and he vill be fine." I said, "Are you a vet?" To which he replied, annoyed; "Vet? I'm fucking zoaking."

But all the license plates there were from in state.

Let's go Inuit

It's got a terrible paunch line.

They're both in Dhaka

People were lined up around the block.

to get stoned.

Without all those tourists helping hold it up.

"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?" "Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"

This is the way.

He said, “No, they usually come that way.”

They were incahoots.

He really shouldn’t have gone to the I-Fell Tower

People are dying to get into them!

He said "Khmer tourist, I got things for you to buy.

He told the owner “keep him warm and he vill be fine” the owner asked “are you a vet?” The German replied “vet? I’m soaking!”

EDIT: Some people feel like I need to make it clear this is not my joke so... it’s not my joke.

I bounced a lot of Czechs.

Guy 1: I don't like tourists. You never know what they're up to.

Guy 2: I'm a tourist and do you know what I'm up to? To kill you for what you said!

Guy 1: To what?!?!?

Guy 2: Tourist.

They went from "see" to "see"

Goes up to a Londoner to ask for directions.

Tourist: Excuse me, do you know Bishops Walk?

Londoner: Why yes, it is good for them.

Ohio!

It was an amBUSH.

One could say I've been pining for the fjords

It takes a toll on everybody.

Go to check out of my hotel this morning. I get in the elevator and there's a group of raucous old men telling jokes and laughing. They were going down so they invited me in to the elevator even thought I was planning on catching the next one.

Anywho, as we're going down, the elderly gentleman I'm standing next to turns to me, and says

"Do you know the elevator dance?"

me: "No, what's that?"

him: "There are no steps!"

My parents went to Spain, they met a Japanese tourist while on an excursion.

Japanese tourist greets my parents: "ohayō" (pronounced Ohio)

Dad says: "California"

I answered “Why would you think that?”

He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.

So for some background, my dad's a tour guide in the UK and he was showing a group round Hampton Court Palace and in the gardens there's this maze. This is the text he just sent me:

>Dad joke at Hampton Court Maze - I have fine memories of Hampton Court Maze. I used to bring my children here...... If you see them could you send them home!

A tourist.

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that “they were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

We were sitting up at the dinner table tonight, and my sister was over too. We started talking about travelling and she mentioned about how when she went to Venice, she didn't see many of the local Venicians, just lots of tourists. Dad went on to explain to us (with a big grin on his face) the reason you don't see many venetians is because most of them are blind...

...so that tourists can have a clean getaway.

A rabbit walks over the boarder to the neighboring country, what does it become?

Answer
Huh this wont work on pc...
The rabbit becomes a Tourist

In the streets of Bangkok, there were motorbikes with carts on the back for tourists to get around the city called tuk-tuks (pronounced "took-took"). When we were looking for a way to get across the city, my dad, without fail, would proudly say, "Let's take-take a tuk-tuk!"

At a tourist attraction a large group walks past us speaking a different language

BF: I think they're Russian

Me: Where do think they're rushin to?

Eye roll and forehead smack. Success :)

My mom tells us that according to studies, Venice sinks a little more every year. My dad then responds, "What's Venice sinking (said to sound like thinking) about?"

I lost it in front of many foreign tourists who probably thought I was mental.

I work as a photographer at reasonably popular tourist spot, and over the Easter weekend we're all wearing bunny ears. A family came in: The Dad: "Mate you've got something on your head!" Me: Nah, that's just my hare (MFW)

Blank looks from the rest of the family, but their dad appreciated it.

He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking”

"Vet? I'm fucking soaked!"