Women want guys to be 6 ft
I’m studying to be an archaeologist.
I guess you could say that my life is in ruins.
Insurance ruled it to be miner damage.
So lately my wife and i were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed...
I turned to her and said: Do you want to have sex honey?
No, she answered.
So i said is that your final answer?
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes'!
So i said, then I'd like to phone a friend.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
I hate it, when people hear me talking about Star Trek and think, it's appropriate to say: "may the force be with you".
Like really, if you're not able to name a single team member of SG-1, just shut your mouth!
When you have potential to be outstanding in your field
As a kid, my brother and I would pretend to be appliances around the house..
Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle?
Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.
Meta: dad jokes are clean and simple. They are meant for your young children so little kids would have to be able to understand it.
That is all. Pornhub jokes? Cmon guys.
My grandfather always said “Don’t be so quick to find faults”
Wonderful man, terrible geologist
One day an airplane pilot decided he wanted to be a baseball star, so he went to talk to a coach.
The coach asks him “can you pitch?”, the pilot replies “yaw”.
I used to be a refrigerator engineer.
whoever did this is going to be in treble.
A genie granted me one wish so I wished to be happy…
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If trees had to nurse to get larger that would be pretty difficult...
My wife has just gone into labor, and I'm reading her some of the funny jokes on here, but she doesn't seem to be that amused..
It must be just the delivery..
If you don't think there will be a sequel to John Carpenter's best movie
You've got another thing coming.
As climate change progresses, they won't be able to grow any more barley to make beer.
Socrates: to do is to be | Plato: to be is to do | ...
Did you know that no one living in this town is allowed to be buried in the local cemetery?
You have to be dead to be buried there.
Afghanistan may be a difficult country to live in, but people in Iran have it worse.
They are caught between….Iraq and a hard place.
Calculus has been extremely helpful in my woodworking career! It used to be that I couldn't tell which wood was which!
Now, I can differentiate logs
My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...
I guess she'll have to flip a coin....Heads or Tales.
I used to be a personal trainer…
Then I gave my too weak notice.
I used to be addicted to methamphetamines
I quit in 2010, but now I like to say: There's a meth-head to my madness.
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
A new study reveals that listening to a Queen album might be bad for your health.
Because of the unusually high Mercury content.
According to science, one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer.
So I threw Dave off a cliff, just in case it was him.
Being a human cannonball has to be the worst job there is.
You have to worry about getting fired every day.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now its $1.50. You know why?
I want to be a billionaire like my uncle
What? Your uncle is a billionaire?
No, he wants to be a billionaire too
Whoever made this has to be a dad. They just have to be.
I saw a snake that measured out to be 3.14 meters long.
Pretty sure it was a python.
Today my wife told me she was filing for divorce because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait…I can change!”
My gf told me to be more in touch with my feminine side.
So I crashed the car.
And then ignored her whole day for no reason.
Honda used to be a good car company...
>!but now they have no Sol!<
A Geologist is always what I wanted to be.
Today I’ll be revealing to this sub the #1 tip for sounding good when you play guitar.
I used to be a grave robber, but I don’t like to talk about it though..
it’s just digging up the passed.
If I were pushed to pick my favourite Red Hot Chili Peppers song about poor TV picture quality, it would have to be...
Scart issue.
(I'm sorry, please forgive me Reddit)
And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Beastie Boys are doing a 5-disc reissue of their albums. Parts A-D you'll be able to buy on Amazon or wherever, but the 5th can only be obtained through a lottery.
Which means you've gotta fight for your right to Part E.
Just trying to be helpful
My dad is transitioning and says when it's done I won't be able to see him anymore
What do you call someone that used to be transgender?
The Pokemon company asked if I wanted to be the lead role in the new live action movie
I was like "You wanted to Starmie?"
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