I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Did you know if you and your buddy fart at the same time it makes you Egyptian?
Because you have a Tutankhamun.
Note:I thought of this today I really hope the joke lands.
One time I accidentally ate horse and it sent me to the ER
Doctor said I was ‘stable’
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
Guess they should read the bio next time
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
In the best Dadjoke move of all time..
Stephen King actually named his son Joe.
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
I recently moved and my dad is visiting for the first time.
We were driving around town and I was pointing out to him all the happening spots when he casually said, "looks pretty dead in here."
I look over to see him gesturing towards the local graveyard...
There's no worse time to be a chauvinist than the present
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
I don't understand why sailors used to get scurvy all the time, I mean...
They had plenty of vitamin sea.
What brought Israel to the current times?
My youngest daughter was diagnosed with scoliosis when she was 5. That’s the same time we began calling her by her middle name, Sarah.
Her first name is Eileen.
Did I ever tell the story of the time I went to the seafood disco?
Once upon a time at the opposite of the beginning
I crossed the border into Mexico without much hassle. Crossing it a second time was fine too, but on the third time a guard stopped me and said “Sorry
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time
I asked him if he’s okay. He said, “Yeah, I’m great!”
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you’d get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
When's the best time to visit the dentist?
What's the best time to schedule a dental appointment?
What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?
What time does the Irishman go to the dentist?
What is the best kept secret of all time?
Well why would I tell you
My son tried to change the time..
Once upon a time a broken sword told me it was the best weapon in the world...
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey at one time
But then I turned myself around.
Time to put on the costume
What time of the day are you most productive?
Whats the best time on a clock?
Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever. She said...
...she’s sorry she ever married me.
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
For the first time in 6 months, it was warm enough to go outside in just a t-shirt today.
I probably should have worn pants, too.
In these challenging times, I worry about the virus and keeping a roof over my head.
So I went and got the shingles vaccine.
Why did Julius Caesar, after having an epileptic fit, during the time he was a hostage of pirates, immediately need a dictionary?
As Caesar's seizure ceased at sea, he said "I'm sleepy" and grabbed some zzz's.
I guess I know what those philosophers said when they ate bread for the first time
Why was the character from Adventure Time called Flame Princess and not...
My boyfriend told me he already turned the clocks forward an hour in the kitchen. I told him he is a man ahead of his time.
I had mono in high school. I went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but two times worse...
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
Why can't the bike ever get up on time?
First time my dad took me to church I noticed there was a lady disrobing dolls and putting the clothes on a small cross. I asked my dad what she was doing.
He said "Oh that's just a cross dresser..."
After telling my kids 3 times I finally said: “why isn’t the dishwasher running!?”
Because it doesn’t have any feet!
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
Next time you go to the eye doctor say its nice to see you again
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