Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 744
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the tick say to the clock?

What are you tocking about?

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rick--Diculous
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I fell in love with the tick that bit me when I was on a trip to Rome

It was a Romantic gesture

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nitefury07
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to take a hike in the woods today but realized tick season is starting

and I like my Corona without Lyme.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/themissamos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard the ticks are really bad this year. If you go outside, be careful...

Unless you like your Corona with Lyme.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brave_fellow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tick on the moon?

A luna tick

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandfather was captured by the Germans in WWII. Being a high-ranking officer, they kept him captive for months but all he would do is sit in his cell saying "tick... tick... tick...". Their top interrogator was sent in to get important information out of him...

When in the interrogation room, he told my grandfather

"vee haf vays of making you tock!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tick that lives on the moon?

A lunatic.

πŸ‘︎ 564
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyerCrusher
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the ticks lead a revolution?

because the had the blood of the proletariat inside them.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/am_sphee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriends father, the king of the dad joke/pun, walks past a can of tick repellent..

Glances at his watch, taps it, keeps walking and says "Still ticking. What a scam"

On a daily/hourly basis he reels them off. It's amazing. He also photoshops pictures (using Microsoft Paint, because he likes the challenge) of himself into various ridiculous and punny situations that might be the most comically genius things I've ever seen. If you're interested I'll find some for you guys.

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pmqv
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did the tick not go to prom?

Because he didn't have a tick-ette.

My brother has been a father for exactly two years and made it up today.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy_Riggins
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2016
🚨︎ report
"What makes you tick?" Asked the sailor flabbergasted.

"The clock," replied Hook.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rjtheknight
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
🚨︎ report
The word "politics" is derived from the word 'poly', meaning "many", and the word 'ticks', meaning "blood sucking parasites". (Larry Hardiman)
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kosmozoan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Last year we did a Secret Santa where everyone had to give each other furnace parts. I'm so ticked for the stupid gift I got.

Sorry. I just gotta vent.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
When Captain Hook was running away from the ticking alligator..

It must have been very time consuming!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the German commander say to the ticking clock?

Ve haf vays and means of making you tock.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Harkonan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I found out today that I perfectly match the profile of the type of person who spoils their ballot paper.

I tick all the right boxes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
The problem with parasites is that they never shut up.

I can’t stand all the Tick Talk.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vehiclesales
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A scientist sits down with some colleagues at the lab cafeteria:

"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.

"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Make_it_perfect
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Watch manufacturer quality assurance checklist
  • Does the big hand move clockwise?

Tick.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaltemrix
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Puns about clocks are the easiest

Now, if you have a lot of time on your hands, let me explain. These puns are a timely solution to anyone starting to dadjoke. With enough hours of practice, they become clockwork to deliver. Sometimes it's best to watch others perform the joke. I know, some of you may be ticked off with me (which isn't alarming) using my firsthand information on how to easily make a pun and how it has really wound you up. Yes, I'll hand it to you, making a simple pun is second-best to the more thought out grander puns with all the bells and whistles. Whatever makes you tick, I guess.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatDamnCat_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I just bought a clock

Finally I can tick that off the list

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VermillionMusic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I really have a thing for dumb girls. Just met one who can't fill out multiple choices surveys

She ticks all the boxes

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bermobaron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A researcher working in a biology lab is brought two insects to dissect...

A cricket, and a tick.

He decides to start with the larger one, the cricket, and proceeds to put it under a microscope and carefully rip the dead insect apart writing down the results. Nothing unusual.

Moving on, he goes back to the delivery petri dish and notices the tick is missing.

He searches around for some time but the bugger is nowhere to be seen. Just before giving up he notices it crawling on his hand. Before the tick can bite him, he expertly grabs it and throws it under the microscope.

He turns it to the highest magnification and says to himself: "Let's see what makes you tick."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MoffKalast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
🚨︎ report
My dog ate my watch...

What's the best way to get rid of ticks?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gl3nnsth3man
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Remember that 🐊 from Disney’s Peter Pan?

He was quite the ticking croc; so much so that they should have called him a clockodile.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brandonscript
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Son: "Did you hear about those lunatics? They've been troubling humans and the animals alike!"

Dad: "Really?! Last time I checked there were no ticks on the moon."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skaa0
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
At the gym this morning

It's a college rec center with a 20 something woman at the counter. Four of us waiting for the official 5:30 am opening.

When the clock ticks 5:30, the woman at the counter to scan us in says "I can take you guys"

Without hesitation I replied "Its four against one. Those are tough odds"

I hung my head as I realized that's a joke I heard my dad say when I was a kid. It made him proud when I told him this story.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
🚨︎ report
I went to the dentist and was so bored...

I decided to eat his wall clock to see if I could pass the time. It was rather time consuming. At first I was going to just eat the hours away, but I was still hungry afterwards so I went back for seconds. My doctor didn't notice at first, but when he used the stethoscope on me, he heard it - he was ticked off. He tocked to me and said that eating clocks is actually slightly dangerous, but the dangers are *minute.*Afterwards, I did more research on timekeeping devices and became clockwise. Sundial.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Grand dad joke.

My grandpa would always tell me this story about his uncles in WWII. "My uncle was actually captured by the Germans and kept in a pow camp. They would try to break the prisoners spirit by making them to mindless things. One in particular they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, 'tick tock tick tock.' My uncle was always a wise guy so he would rebel in the simplest way. He would only go, 'tick tick tick.' One day the guard finally caught him and said, 'don't vorry. Ve have vays of making you tock.'"

πŸ‘︎ 285
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfdancer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
🚨︎ report
There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
🚨︎ report
I put together a list of every single pick-up name pun that was made on /r/Tinder

I thought you guys might enjoy it.

[link] (http://www.pickuplinesbyname.com)

Tick the "NSFW" box if you're over 18 since those tend to be funnier.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pickupbot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Diagnosing a diseased catfolk in our Dungeons & Dragons game.

So we are playing dnd and our Catfolk Barbarian gets sick from being bitten from a giant tick a few days ago. She's pretty salty about it because it's made her physically weaker and she can't hit thing as well. The GM (her dad) says "She is sick with a disease that's like an extreme form of lime disease." "My God". I said "It's Lemon Disease." Without skipping a beat the GM says, "Yes. And it's made a sour puss."

We all die.

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Derflem
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Tired clock

Did you hear about the clock that was tired of saying tick tock so it changed tac-tic.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Marcizz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad had to get a tick bite checked out.

So a tick bit his butt and he wanted to make sure he wasn't going to get lyme disease, so he went to a doctor. The doctor had to see the bite location so my dad had to lower his pants. But when he did, the doctor couldn't find the bite so my dad was just standing there em-bare-assed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Civil_Barbarian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2016
🚨︎ report
My 5 year old got my wife and I Christmas morning.

Alarm clock is across the room from the bed

Son: Wake up it's time for presents.

Me still asleep: Son, what does the clock say?

Son: Tick tock tick tock...

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spectre577
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
🚨︎ report
My Dad's favorite joke...

A man in Switzerland is trying to get his grandfather clock fixed, and brings it into a clock shop.

The clock shop attendant asks the man "What seems to be the trouble?"

"Well, the clock tells time just fine. However, as you can hear, it ticks... But doesn't tock."

"Hmm, I think our Horologist will need to take a look at your clock. Please bring it into the back."

So the man wheels his clock into the back room, and there is an old, balding man, wearing a lab coat and thick horn rimmed glasses. He asks the man in a thick German accent "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well, you see, this clock ticks, but it doesn't tock."

"I see," says the horologist. He turns on a single light bulb, and turns off the lights to the room, and pulls out some pliers from his labcoat, and says, in his thick German accent...

"We have ways of making you tock."

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phaseMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
🚨︎ report
Concern over ticks

My wife discovered a tick in our house - likely brought in by the dog after a hike with the family that day. At dinner, it prompted a discussion about the relative risk of Lyme disease and its recent increase in media coverage. My wife made the argument that, while incidents were up, the overall risk is really quite low when you look at actually numbers of incidents. As such, the media coverage is not warranted relative to other safety concerns. My rebuttal:

"Frankly, I think it's about time we had a tick talk"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/canadasecond
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2015
🚨︎ report
So my younger cousin wet his pants..

He's 4 years old and walked into the kitchen while I was at my aunt and uncle's house. My aunt saw him and got slightly irritated because this was a problem she thought he had gotten over. She goes to talk to her husband about it:

Aunt: Keegan had another accident honey.

Uncle: Oh did he now?

Aunt: Yes. And I'm making dinner, so can you please deal with this? (at this point she is still pretty ticked off)

Uncle: oh I'll deal with it. Keegan come here.

Keegan walks over

Uncle: Urine a lot of trouble mister. Can't you pee that you're pissing your mother off?

My uncle proceeded to laugh uncontrollably at his own joke while my four year old cousin stood there looking really confused and my aunt walked away with her arms crossed, angrily trying to hold back her laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WanderingMexican
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Guessing my 60 year old dad wants some tits

Dad: well, what do you wanna do? Wanna do something?

Mom: i don't know, not much to do.

Dad: yeah I might go take a walk in the woods.

Mom: yeah? And get ticks?

Dad: Tits? I'd be glad to get some tits

Mom: groan

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Deathtothejuice
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2015
🚨︎ report
I'll be a great dad

[scene: me talking to my girlfriend on Skype]

Her: Is there a clock nearby? I can hear the tick-talking.

Me: Well what is it saying?

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/b1hiker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Morning after a party at my friends place, one friend had trouble sleeping.

My friend had trouble sleeping because a clock kept ticking loudly near him all night, so when he told us that I responded "I bet that really Ticked You off."

I was promptly told to leave the premises and not come back.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dorminder
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2014
🚨︎ report
He almost made me feel bad about it.

Scene: We had just gone hiking and I was in the car checking myself for ticks. I found one and threw it out the window.

Dad: Hey, stop litter bugging.

Me: What? I'm not!

Dad: Hm, you're right. You're bug littering!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smorisson28
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the tick say to the clock

what are you tocking about

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlastBroFrenzyMan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many'...

and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.