At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..
..to find exactly 32 of them.
π︎ 8k
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︎ May 30 2021
Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
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︎ Jan 05 2021
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
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︎ Jan 22 2021
Several bad ash trees came together for a meeting in the woods
Several bad ash trees came together for a meeting in the woods to discuss a local problem. There was a new sherrif in town by the name of Bill birch, a hot shot who wanted to bring law and order back to these parts of the wood. They hated Bill and what he stood for, for he was a mean tree. Even worsewas his son bucky birch who would often stare for hours without even blinking. While speaking up the head ash tree says I Have had it! Wish he would stop staring at my ash! I can't stand that son of a birch!
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︎ Jun 18 2021
Two men are hunting in the woods...
Suddenly one of them spots tracks.
"Deer tracks" says the first hunter.
"Moose tracks, I know moose tracks when I see them" says the other hunter.
They keep arguing over the type of tracks they're looking at, until they get run over by a train.
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︎ Nov 04 2019
"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."
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︎ Apr 24 2021
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldnβt stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 24 2020
What's the leading cause of injury in old men?
Thinking they are young men!
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 16 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
π︎ 4k
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︎ Apr 09 2021
A bear is riding a bike in the woods
when he passes a man who notices him and yells:
"What the heck?! Bears don't know how to ride bikes!
The bear replies: "oh right, i forgot!" and tips over.
My uncle used to tell me this joke as a kid and it took me a while to understand the tiny but valuable lesson behind it.
π︎ 4
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︎ May 11 2021
A young boy and an old man are walking through the woods at night. The boy tells the man: "I'm scared. It's really dark and spooky out here."
The old man replies, "YOU'RE scared?! I'm the one that has to walk back alone!"
π︎ 19
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︎ Jun 28 2021
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
π︎ 312
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Sudden realization about the X-men:
When Gambit fights, he throws hands.
π︎ 15
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︎ Jun 29 2021
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints!
π︎ 7k
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︎ Jun 21 2021
Once I finally finished installing the thin wood flooring in my large living room, I thought to myself...
π︎ 3
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︎ May 06 2021
The two men stared intensely at each other over the chessboard, neither one making a move. Suddenly, one of the men gasped in horror and shouted, "How is this possible? You must be taught by the Soviets!"
The other smirked and replied, "Czech, mate."
π︎ 42
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︎ May 12 2021
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
π︎ 8
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︎ May 30 2021
A father and son were sitting in the woods.
Son: Dad, do trees poop?
Dad: Of course son, how do you think we get #2 pencils.
π︎ 100
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︎ Feb 20 2021
How do you find your dog if it's lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 10 2021
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
π︎ 60
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︎ May 10 2021
A man is walking in the woods. He sees three holes filled with water and something he couldn't identify. All could say was
Well, well, well, what do we have here?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 19 2019
Iβve waited five days and tried three times to post, Two men walk into a bar
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 25 2021
What did the three legged cowboy's dog say when he walked into Dodge city.
I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 11 2021
A priest in the woods has been attacked by a pack of wolves. In a moment of desperation, the priest started to ask God how to get out of this situation.
The wolves may be predators but he pray
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Three men were stranded in the middle of a desert, and only allowed to bring one item for survival.
Bob asked Tom, βwhat did you bring?β βA bottle of water, Iβm sure to get thirsty in a desertβ replied Tom.
βWhat did you bring?β Tom asked. βThis sandwich. I figure Iβm gonna get hungry what with all of the walking.β replied Bob.
Bob and Tom turn to the third man, and ask βForrest, what have you got there?β Forrest said, βI have a car door, if it gets too hot, Iβll roll down the window.β
π︎ 16
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︎ Aug 11 2018
Why do you want to sleep in the woods?
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 30 2021
There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther
Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jun 24 2021
Spelling isn't one of the "Three R's"
That's how writing and arithmetic ended up on the list.
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︎ Jun 05 2021
True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says βthey are knot holesβ.
Miss4 says βif they are not holes, what are they?β
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︎ Feb 06 2021
What was a very common name in the middle ages?
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jun 24 2021
Our Tea Company only allows men in the quality control department. It is a requirement,
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 27 2021
What pan is the best to make sushi in?
π︎ 6k
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︎ Jul 01 2021
They asked me how I put the wood together so well.
π︎ 24
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︎ Apr 25 2021
The Navy sent the wrong men to the bottom of the ocean.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 16 2021
I just spent three hours chasing all the water fowl out of my yard...
π︎ 40
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︎ Apr 17 2021
What's the weakest part of Tiger Woods game?
π︎ 233
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︎ Feb 24 2021
What do you call it when the magician pulls three rabbits out?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 14 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jun 29 2021
I threw up in the toilet
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︎ Jun 25 2021
Why do the French eat so little for breakfast?
Because one egg is un Εuf.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jun 28 2021
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 01 2020
Two men are going down the street, one runs into a bar..
π︎ 27
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︎ Jun 05 2021
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into the saloon?
βIβm looking for the man who shot my paw.β
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 25 2021
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