He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
I probably shouldn't go around calling myself a proud cross dresser.
I guess only small gatherings are allowed.
It's one part rum, three parts pum.
(A favorite of mine from Tim Seidell)
Why couldn't they ring the jinge bells this holiday season?
There was noel
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
Momorial Day
I need to stop eating cold turkey
I don’t know when it is but when it happens it’s gonna be a shitty day.
It is my sinktuary
It just keeps Dublin and Dublin
They’re so shellfish.
For the first time in my life I’m not skinny. For those of you who have held out this long for a fat joke, the weight is finally over.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
2pac
Dovah-skiin'
The abdominal snowman!
Because it had a wee calf.
Due to his diet, he tends to be eggnog-stic
We’ll call it “Lent”
...for Ash Wednesday.
Like, last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said, “Are you going to put it up yourself?” My dad replied, “Don’t be disgusting. I’m going to put it in the living room.”
Caerphilly.
Jamaica? No she went of her own accord
Gallopagos Islands.
Jesus sure didn't
The bear asks the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit...
"I messed the 'f' up"
I looked at them and struggled to not laugh.
I'm slowly getting accustoms to it
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
(Yes, that's a pun.)
