My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife

$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?

Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œChristopher Wreath” is back on my door and now the holidays can begin!
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thegeekofsteel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My one friend told me that even though I decorate the church for the holidays...

I probably shouldn't go around calling myself a proud cross dresser.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OranMilne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5’5 shouldn’t be getting together for the holidays.

I guess only small gatherings are allowed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy...

It's one part rum, three parts pum.

(A favorite of mine from Tim Seidell)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metermind
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't they ring the jinge bells this holiday season?

Why couldn't they ring the jinge bells this holiday season?

There was noel

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?

Momorial Day

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I gain too much weight around the holidays

I need to stop eating cold turkey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/musingsofmadness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new holiday for laxatives?

I don’t know when it is but when it happens it’s gonna be a shitty day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joseph3504
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I like to spend holidays in the kitchen

It is my sinktuary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeicam_the_pirate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: What should we do about the sleeping arrangements during our holiday? Her: I was thinking of...
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnethacker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to Dublin on holiday and discovered it's the biggest city in the WORLD.

It just keeps Dublin and Dublin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sergioarmagh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!

They’re so shellfish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b0wser_304
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
US election season meats the holiday season
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wargamer620
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve put on 40 pounds over the holidays

For the first time in my life I’m not skinny. For those of you who have held out this long for a fat joke, the weight is finally over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wanderingcloud35
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Christmas is the present holiday.

(Yes, that's a pun.)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edderiofer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the rapper forget when going on holiday?

2pac

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What does the the Dragonborn do on a snowy holiday?

Dovah-skiin'

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arctic_Womble
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Which holiday character can do the most crunches?

The abdominal snowman!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
For the holidays
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sleepingtuba
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
🚨︎ report
(Scottish Joke) Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because it had a wee calf.

πŸ‘︎ 915
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSupremeClaw
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't Santa have much of a religious opinion during the holidays?

Due to his diet, he tends to be eggnog-stic

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pricklydoughball
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Getting into the holiday spirit with this Missile Toe I 3D Printed
πŸ‘︎ 635
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumbertoL
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
🚨︎ report
There should be a holiday where we remember all the borrowed items we’ve given out that have never been returned.

We’ll call it β€œLent”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie...

...for Ash Wednesday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/politterateur
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve always been embarrassed of my dad around the holidays.

Like, last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said, β€œAre you going to put it up yourself?” My dad replied, β€œDon’t be disgusting. I’m going to put it in the living room.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeoulgiKorea
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
When seeing Wales for the first time, how should you plan your holiday?

Caerphilly.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ottodidakt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Home for the holidays and playing Monopoly with dad...checks for counterfeits.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zkill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
🚨︎ report
The one true holiday
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevonicus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
We were driving across state over the holidays and my 4 year old tells us she has to pee. We just happened to be almost to an exit with several gas stations to take her. I proudly proclaimed β€˜Urine luck! There are plenty of places to go at this exit!’ Sadly, I only got an eye roll from my wife.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beergelden
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A dad during the holidays. imgur.com/vswOt
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/centerde
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
🚨︎ report
My wife went on holiday to the Caribbean

Jamaica? No she went of her own accord

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakeseARG
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Where did the horses go on holiday?

Gallopagos Islands.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
People with birthdays falling on Christmas shouldn't mind that gifts are combined for the holiday...

Jesus sure didn't

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm dreading the upcoming holidays because I know dad's gonna tell us all about the bear and the rabbit who were taking a poop in the woods...

The bear asks the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
My child today was filling out holiday cards for their teachers. They wrote the wrong letter and said to me...

"I messed the 'f' up"

I looked at them and struggled to not laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/197708156EQUJ5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I got a new job in the airport checking what people are bringing into the country from their holidays...

I'm slowly getting accustoms to it

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazzyTheLemon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Christmas is the present holiday.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edderiofer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Christmas is the present holiday.

(Yes, that's a pun.)

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edderiofer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report

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