Mattress. Lamp. Pipe. Poster. Blood.
Water. Ticking. My heart beat. Breathing.
Cold floor. Cold in general. Loose button on sweater
Damp. Death.
Metal
5-4-3-2-1. 5 things I can see. 4 I can hear. 3 I can feel. 2 I can smell. And 1 I can taste. This exercise is supposed to relieve anxiety, to keep you grounded in reality. But my reality has just far surpassed the tortures of my mind.
I wrote this three years ago. It’s my handwriting, it’s my journal, it’s my red wood cabinet with the sticky top left drawer which houses my journal. My journal which lies beneath my takeaway menus and countless expired warranties I am too nervous to chuck away and 3 pens, two from work. My place of work. The cover has a smear of paint, dove grey, it matches the bannister, my bannister. It Is my journal and yet I have no memory of writing this. But I feel it..and how did I get that loose button?
At the time, I was with my gf of 3 years and 4 month, lets call her "Kat". And things before the incident has been sometimes rocky and sometimes memorable but my discovery last week when she was cheating on me has left me confused and shocked. It has been bothering me for a week so far to a point that I cant sleep, and at the end I defaced something incredibly important to her. This is going to be a long one. Okay here I go...
It all began in late July of this year. She had recently started getting into working out and working on a new cosplay. She has been talking about it non-stop, and I was super supportive to see her work towards a new goal. couple days after the first week of August she has been mentioning that her coworker (lets call him "Jay") who is a workout freak and has worked together for two years, had discussed to me about how she wants to go work out with him at his gym and maybe hang out a little after and to see if i was okay/felt comfortable with that. Knowing Jay who is a married man and Kat who I trusted because long term relationship, I said sure and that it was fine to go workout with him just as long as his wife knows about it too. a week later she would always update me that his wife hasn't given him the go ahead to go work out together but that I have given the green light. Kat also mentioned that Jay's wife will be out of town to see family from the 12th of August to september 4th. She began to start planning with Jay about days to go work out and had labeled them as "buff buddies" on the calendar. A day later she has started to tease me about things like "what if Jay and I went swimming together after we work out", "what if he starts physically positioning my form at the gym", "wouldn't it be funny if people mistaken us for a couple at the gym?", and "what if he accidentally touched my butt?". At the time I felt really uneasy hearing the "teasing" and began to start feeling incredibly jealous. She would always think that its "cute" to see me this way because that means I care. I didn't want to straight up and get upset at her because i loved her, so I just played along and responded with "yeah whatever, lol", "haha, that wont happen" or "okay okay, lets change the subject".
By now it is the 10th of August, and the teasing would continue at random days, she would also talk about him almost everyday. With my anxiety, and jealousy, I did my very best to control it and think that nothing was going on because she was just excited t
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Movie producer: "Great idea for a film - it'll be about a 30 year old man, but he's got the mental age of a 12 year old. He'll obviously become vice President of a company and get a hot girlfriend (we'll ignore the whole statutory rape of a minor)."
The real world: "Uh... You realise there are people like that in the world right now? With learning disabilities? Isn't this sanitising and trivialising their problems? And sugar-coating them in an unrealistically optimistic way?"
Movie Producer: "It's ok, because it'll be magic, not because of real world stuff."
The real world: "Uh, none of those people with learning disabilities go on to head huge companies. The central conceit of the film is fundamentally flawed."
Movie Producer: "I said magic."
