Everyone in the story survived!
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bullshitbender
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Which dinosaur survived extinction and is now found in farmer's fields?

The T-rac-tor

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RightlyKnightly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What do wilderness survival experts use to cook their burgers

Bear Grills

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carcival
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend was shot clean through his skull but survived.

I can’t imagine what was going through his mind at the time.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
So scientists finally discovered a fossilised dinosaur butt. For it to survive intact all that time...

It must have been a megasaurus.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLifeOfRyanB
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The vet said our chick has survived through the accident, but his brain was damaged so he’d have to live the rest of his life a vegetable.

Guess we’ll call him Eggplant now

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoohsySlayer69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Historians have proved that people from every zodiac sign survived the Sinking of the Titanic

Except Leo

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Was reading a mountain survival story to my son...

"...the boy returned to his camp, where a rabbit was cooking..."
My son: cooking what?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinkererJim
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair

I was shocked but he wasn't

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dazar0766gaming
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Can the coronavirus survive on Mars if it ends up on a SpaceX rocket ?

"a lone mask" wants to know !

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokeretailer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I read a story that a kid crashed a small airplane and survived.

Why don't we make the whole plane out of that kid?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ribdunge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How did salt’s friend survive the apocalypse

He was a doomsday pepper

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cadlinkr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Once upon a time in the jungle...

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…

He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pirate-Frog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100Β° temperature...

You will be mist.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/--Giraffe--
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...

If they survive, the vaccine is safe.

If they don't, the country is safe.

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't believe they gave that engineer who wrecked the train in New York the electric chair. And he survived it!

I guess he just wasn't a very good conductor.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/59boomer59
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother wants to try skydiving so I warned him that...

It has so many downfalls.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Just_arrived_here
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Gordon Ramsay once survived a mustard-gas attack when he was in the army. Then, he got pepper-sprayed whilst at a protest.

You could say that he is relished among the cooking community, and truly a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dg_zano
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?

She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?

You stop pretending.

πŸ‘︎ 209
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thehornyghost
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad didn't enjoy the Disco party

he had a fever

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the bee survive winter?

Because it wore a yellow jacket.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoldSweep
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can wheelchair bound people survive underwater?

because sharks don't eat vegetables

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I can out of the closet to my family.

They were relieved that they finally found me after a week.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hendrick_Davies64
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy once fell from the Eiffel Tower, and survived

From now on, he calls it the "I fell tower"

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ado1928
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?

After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I have written a new book called "How to Survive falling down a staircase”

.........It is a step by step guide

Edit: oh my god wow, thank you for the silver!

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cynocation
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
An underperforming orchestra was playing in an open field when lightning struck its musical director. Luckily, he survived.

He was quite a bad conductor

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Mayday, we won’t survive this crash the plane isn’t even a
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Ever wonder how Noah survive the flood?
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RorschachEmpire
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you fall down the stairs, with two pitchers of Kool Aid, and still survive?

Roll with the PUNCHES!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a soldier who has survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/liverpool135
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
a soldier once survived pepper spray and mustard gas

he was a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘︎ 360
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Galeelo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the doctor because I can't stop saying airplane jokes

He said it was terminal

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redt1979
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My soldier friend was doused with pepper spray and also survived a mustard gas attack.

Now he's a seasoned veteran.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stevehrowe2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane.

Until he hit the ground.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
The vaccine should be tested on politicians first

If they survive the vaccine is safe but if they don't the country is safe

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gamerxbykabil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray....

Is now a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/androidlowbattery
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm lucky to have survived Mustard gas and pepper spay when I was in the Army.

I guess you could say that I'm a seasoned vet...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ntuso
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a soldier who survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray

I guess you could say he's now a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘︎ 235
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vibronicpoppy82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
🚨︎ report

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