My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2020
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My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair

I was shocked but he wasn't

πŸ‘οΈŽ 84
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dazar0766gaming
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
How did salt’s friend survive the apocalypse

He was a doomsday pepper

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Cadlinkr
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 05 2020
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I can't believe they gave that engineer who wrecked the train in New York the electric chair. And he survived it!

I guess he just wasn't a very good conductor.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/59boomer59
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 19 2020
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Gordon Ramsay once survived a mustard-gas attack when he was in the army. Then, he got pepper-sprayed whilst at a protest.

You could say that he is relished among the cooking community, and truly a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dg_zano
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 14 2020
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A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?

She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 10 2020
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You know how only the strongest sperm gets to fertilise the egg?

I guess you could call it survival of the fetus.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RespectfulRat
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the bee survive winter?

Because it wore a yellow jacket.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GoldSweep
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 24 2019
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A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100Β° temperature...

You will be mist.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/--Giraffe--
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 31 2018
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Why can wheelchair bound people survive underwater?

because sharks don't eat vegetables

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/creativeusername311
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 27 2019
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My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?

You stop pretending.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 208
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thehornyghost
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 03 2019
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I recently received a book with β€œdo not read until the year 2030” written on the cover

But that’s a story for another time

πŸ‘οΈŽ 58
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ItHardToFindUsername
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 16 2020
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Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?

After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 14 2019
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I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane.

Until he hit the ground.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kickypie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy once fell from the Eiffel Tower, and survived

From now on, he calls it the "I fell tower"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 55
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ado1928
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 31 2019
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An underperforming orchestra was playing in an open field when lightning struck its musical director. Luckily, he survived.

He was quite a bad conductor

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 30 2019
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I have written a new book called "How to Survive falling down a staircase”

.........It is a step by step guide

Edit: oh my god wow, thank you for the silver!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 50
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cynocation
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 31 2019
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How do you fall down the stairs, with two pitchers of Kool Aid, and still survive?

Roll with the PUNCHES!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Ever wonder how Noah survive the flood?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RorschachEmpire
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 27 2019
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Mayday, we won’t survive this crash the plane isn’t even a
πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheUnknownLyricsMan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 18 2019
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If all of the dinosaurs had had a wider vocabulary, maybe they would have survived.

Like the thesaurus did.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/labink
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2019
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I’ve never seen a human survive while living like a carnivore.

If there is, I’d love to meat them.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LeviOsa-not-LevosA
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 08 2019
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I'm lucky to have survived Mustard gas and pepper spay when I was in the Army.

I guess you could say that I'm a seasoned vet...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/crypto-anarchist86
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
How did the musician survive a zombie apocalypse?

He bard his windows.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Stunley
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the barber say after surviving the accident?

It was a close shave.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dalekfromskaro
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign?

Aries: Yes Taurus: Yes Gemini: Yes Cancer: Yes Leo: No Virgo: Yes Libra: Yes Scorpio: Yes Sagittarius: Yes Capricorn: Yes Aries: Yes Pieces: Yes

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hughdman
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2018
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At first, I was afraid I was petrified. Kept thinking, I could never live without that post school drop off ride. Bet then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong.

And I grew strong and I learned a schoolless day is just so long. Go on now, go, walk out the door, please go to school now. 'Cause you're not welcome anymore. Weren't you the one, who each school day said goodbye? But now I think I'll crumble? And I'll lay down and die? Oh, no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Perrin-Golden-Eyes
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Darth Vador survive the Death Star

He EVADERED it

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Talcabus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 04 2019
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I don't think a vegetarian pastry chef would survive,

they couldn't go more than a day or so without bacon.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Shitty_Orangutan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Soldier survives mustard gas at war, only to be pepper sprayed and assalted by police back home.

He is now a properly seasoned veteran.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 74
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cuban_sailor
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 22 2018
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Sometimes I just stare at an egg and be happy that it doesn't have to move for survival !

Isn't that egg-static?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bad378
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Three men were stranded in the middle of a desert, and only allowed to bring one item for survival.

Bob asked Tom, β€œwhat did you bring?” β€œA bottle of water, I’m sure to get thirsty in a desert” replied Tom.

β€œWhat did you bring?” Tom asked. β€œThis sandwich. I figure I’m gonna get hungry what with all of the walking.” replied Bob.

Bob and Tom turn to the third man, and ask β€œForrest, what have you got there?” Forrest said, β€œI have a car door, if it gets too hot, I’ll roll down the window.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/iamkeerock
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw a kickstarter for a game where bulls had to fight each other for survival.

Another shameless cash grab exploiting the popularity of Cattle Royale.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/analytik
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle survived a freak storm at sea. He spent the rest of his life unemployed, telling taller and taller tales about it.

When he died penniless, he was living in squall lore.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AdultContemporaryJiz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
How can people that are lactose intolerant survive in our Milky Way Galaxy? reddit.com/r/shittyasksci…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ragu7080
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 25 2019
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A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
From a dozen people only two survived

No pun in ten dead.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/47Toast
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
A man was interviewed about falling off the Eiffel Tower and surviving

"What happened?"

"Eiffel."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 42
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Vi3ual
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who barely survived getting trampled in a horse pen?

They found him in stable condition.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheMagicalMark
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 19 2018
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Scientists have confirmed that Steve Irwin would have survived had he been wearing sunscreen

β€œProtects against harmful rays”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/daddymcdadjokes
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Why would horses survive an earthquake?

Because they're in a "stable" place

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/embrace_singularity
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A two step survival guide if you are stuck on a desserted island.
  1. Check the spelling.

  2. If correct, grab a spoon.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 36
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I took a math book on a survival camping trip to the Arctic

I learned two things, quadratic equations, and warm ups are not what I had thought.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NotBilroy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
The patient had lost a lot of blood and needed more to survive.

Luckily, her boyfriend was just her type

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

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πŸ‘οΈŽ 81
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Josvys
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 03 2019
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I was captured by ISIS after Iran away

Now all I’m China do is to survive

πŸ‘οΈŽ 405
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Iamgej
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My nephew was complaining that the weapon in his sandbox survival video game was "too week"

"Two week?" I said. "Is that why it's called 'Fortnight'?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/one_mississippi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the captain survive his ship sinking?

He kept a log in his cabin

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/2106au
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 13 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm just a bystander of a dad joke. I survived, though I'm not sure about the rest of the family as I couldn't bring myself to look.

I visited Detroit yesterday and walked to the riverwalk (which Canada is right across the water). As my wife and I are taking in the view I hear behind us:

random dad: "Oh... Canada"

family: ...

rd; "you know, they should make a song like that."

family: ...

rd: "actually with those exact words; Oh Canada....."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/trouzy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 29 2017
🚨︎ report
If you think you can survive on just water

you're diluting yourself.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 237
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lukewarmandtoasty
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Can we survive without eating meat?

Yes vegan.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PatrickKnight99
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Angel: "Will be there anyone surviving the Flood?"

God: "I Noah guy"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheOnlyFuhrer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2017
🚨︎ report
You are locked in a room only with a bed and a calendar. How do you survive?

You eat the dates and drink from the springs.

....ok ill leave now

πŸ‘οΈŽ 35
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/freshgeardude
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2015
🚨︎ report
An old couple were eating dinner on christmas eve.

The old man was cheery and happy while his wife did not share his joy. The old man said; "honey why're you grumpy? It's christmas!" She said; "but deer look! All our crops are dying if this goes on we won't survive the winter. We need a christmas miracle for that." The old man looked outside and said; "Honey, look a christmas miracle!" The old lady got filled with glee and looked outside, and there was santa flying in his sleigh. She said; "But honey was wasn't hoping for santa in his sleigh, I was hoping for rain-dear!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DinoDongo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
So, i'm playing this RPG called "Learn Japanese to survive Hirigana battle!"

I tell you what, there's some memorable characters in it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zemtor
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Jeff has had only one dream ever in his life, to become a train conductor.

Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.

Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.

Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!

After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.

The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.

Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.

BZZZZZZ

Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.

BZZZZZZ

Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.

Guard : "Excuse me um, J

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πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Saspa314
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 11 2019
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Apparently Dartmoor ponies are being sold for their meat to help the herd survive.

Here is the story. I suggested to the family that they might make a good mane course and got many groans for my trouble.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2015
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I hate it when people unnecessarily post lyrics to songs.

But I will survive.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 14 2019
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I bet he’s in a lot of pane
πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VxJasonxV
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 23 2018
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I just got dadjoked by my dad regarding former Miami Dolphins Robert Konrad's miraculous survival story.

I told my dad about Robert Konrad falling out of his boat and swimming 12 hours back to shore in the dark facing 10 foot waves, sharks, stinging jellyfish and 25 mile per hour winds. He poked his head around the corner and said "You know how he survived don't you? He is a dolphin." I cringed so hard since I was expecting some old man wisdom about the will to live etc. edit: actually he spent 16 hours in the water swimming for shore.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Constrictorboa
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 12 2015
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How close was the polar bear from falling off the ice?

He bearely survived.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/xEvilPenguin7xthelll
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 07 2019
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Did you hear that there are no vampires on the entire continent of Africa?

They can't survive since Toto blessed the rains there.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Kaiju_Paul
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 26 2019
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What did the blind fish say when it swam into the wall?

Dam

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/goodwisha
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 17 2018
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The stars are bright

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad "The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing." To which my dad then asked, "You know why they're so bright, right?" Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, "Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much?" His reply; "No. Its because the sun went down. So now its darker outside." Dad: 1. Me: -5.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Hyperbattleship
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 18 2015
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An old sailor fell from the crows nest.

An old sailor fell from the crows nest onto the deck. He survived. He was used to hardships.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Intagvalley
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 15 2018
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

show more
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CitizenCAN_mapleleaf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2018
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The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 40
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kickypie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 09 2020
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What do you call a soldier who has survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

πŸ‘οΈŽ 96
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/liverpool135
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 16 2020
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The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kickypie
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 26 2020
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a soldier once survived pepper spray and mustard gas

he was a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘οΈŽ 366
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Galeelo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 07 2019
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My soldier friend was doused with pepper spray and also survived a mustard gas attack.

Now he's a seasoned veteran.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/stevehrowe2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 18 2019
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The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray....

Is now a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘οΈŽ 84
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/androidlowbattery
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 10 2018
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The soldiers who survived mustard gas and pepper sprays

Are seasoned veterans.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ViperVein
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 15 2019
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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ntuso
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2019
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I saw a soldier who survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray

I guess you could say he's now a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘οΈŽ 238
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/vibronicpoppy82
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2017
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I once fell from the Eiffel tower and survived

I now call it the "I fell tower"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 31 2019
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The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray

He was a seasoned veteran

πŸ‘οΈŽ 55
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/UchihaDivergent
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2017
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A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moses10960
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 22 2017
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What do you call a soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

πŸ‘οΈŽ 35
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/StickyBamboo_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 11 2017
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I got a job as a human cannonball.

I was fired immediately.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 26 2019
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I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.

It was sole destroying!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 11 2019
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Whats the best way to survive an attack of armed clowns.

Go for the juggler.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/n0th1ng_r3al
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 26 2016
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What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

πŸ‘οΈŽ 39
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SBDD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2014
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Dad-joked my son when I picked him up from school yesterday.

Me: Did you hear about the soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

My Son: Nope.

Me: He's a seasoned veteran.

My Son: Ugh...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ItMightGetBeard
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 23 2013
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