Stepmom Puns

It was a Brother from another mother.

Me: what is the study of plants called? Stepmom: its botany Dad: shouldn't it be "pot"any?

They had to walk on a loose wooden bridge to cross the river. My stepdad started walking on it but my stepmom refused to walk on it until my stepdad reached the other side.

When I asked her the reason , she pointed to a sign which read "One step at a time"

me and my stepsister are going to the movies

Stepmom: Text us when you're on your way back.

Dad: Texas?! They're only going to the movies.

groan

Roberto!

Sometimes he even laughs

Dad: would you say they're 'pear-fect'?

My dad said this last summer. We were in Mexico, and there was huge flocks of birds swarming above us that day. My stepmom was out on our little porch, reading fifty shades of grey. Suddenly she storms in all huffy and goes up to my dad who was in the kitchen.

Dad: What's up with you?

Stepmom: A fucking bird SHAT on my book! Look! (Sure enough, there was.)

My dad, without missing a beat: Well why are you complaining? Now you got an extra shade of grey!

I was telling my dad about one of my high school friends. Her family was very strict, and very catholic. One of the few movies she was allowed to watch was Mary Poppins. My dad comes back with, "So her family was Super-Catholic-fragilisticexpealidocious?"

Then my stepmom and I stared in silence. He silently laughed to himself.

Shopping with my dad and stepmom

Stepmom: "We need humus for the carrots"

Dad: "We have to feed the carrots?!"

My stepmom was explaining the difference between lay and lie to me, when I said, "So its lay if you do it to an object, it's lie if you do it to yourself."

Dad: "No, that's called masturbation."

Stepmom: "I'm going to get the Fettuccini Weesie."

Dad: "Is that because you have asthma?"

I died.

Stepmom: Hey Bill Dad: Straw Diane

He says it feels like he has gravel under his eyes. My stepmom asked if he still had the drops his doctor gave him and he got confused not knowing what she was talking about. She told him: "Go look in your drawers". My dad looked shocked and said with a drawl, "They wouldn't be in my drawers!"

My internet is crap, so there is a bit of lag. My stepmom says, "why is it so choppy?", Dad replies "because they are in the Bering Sea".

I just started a job this week and I have been getting my access set up through IT.

Stepmom: So FerretAres, was the IT person a man or a woman.

Me: I don't know it was an e-mail.

Dad: Well then it must have been a guy, otherwise it would have been an e-female.

(My dad just bought an old run down tractor that is on the original owner's property.)

Dad: I can't wait to put the tractor in the garage!

Stepmom: You said the tractor wouldn't see our house!

Dad: Don't worry, we'll just blindfold it.

Everyone else: groans

I'm the Best Man in my buddy's wedding, and my dad and stepmom were nice enough to help me shop for and find a decent suit. Going down the checklist of stuff I need, black suit, black shirt, etc. when we get to the belt. My stepmom asks me "don't you already have a black belt?"

So I say "yes"

Dad chimes in "oh wow, I didn't know you took karate."

About a week before this, I had my dad and stepmom proofread an essay of mine.

Me: "So I got a C+ on that paper from last week. Apparently my formatting was weird and I didn't make it 'digestible' enough for the readers."

Dad: "Oh wow, I suppose that's my fault. I didn't know we were supposed to eat it."

Me: How's your back been feeling?

Dad: Great! I started doing yoga. You should have seen the chakras on your stepmom's face!

TV: "Up next! A full hour of FOX comedies!" Dad: "A full hour? I had no idea they were such a funny species!" Stepmom: =|

At dinner last night, my stepmom was trying to remember something and said to us "What's the name of that book...?"

And my dad and I, in perfect unison, asked "The Bible?"

Truly, the torch has passed to a new generation.

Dad goes under the sink to look for the granite counter cleaner.

Dad: "where's the granite...?" Me: looks around "it's all over the place" He looks up and just shakes his head while my stepmom bursts out laughing.

My dad was telling a story about getting in trouble during a test for laughing with his friend about sneezing into his hand.

Stepmom: That's weird, you usually think that kinda stuff is really gross. Dad: Yeah, it's snot funny.

My parents were over for dinner, and my wife went tog et the lasagna out of the oven. My stepmom calls, from the couch, "Do you need a hand?" to my wife, I reply, also from the couch, "She has two, actually." I was kicked.

OK so a little background. My dad and stepmom recently adopted a chiwawa who had been abused by its previous owners. At first he was extremely skiddish but eventually warmed up and now is a pretty chill, albeit goofy, little guy. My brother was petting him last night and out of no where he gets defensive and turns and bites his leg.

My step mom goes, "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry. Hes still funny like that sometimes. Isn't he (my dad)?"

My dad non chalantly replies, "I laugh at him all the time."

Me and my brother were just losing it.

My stepmom texted the family in a group chat and said, "Landed in Hawaii!" So of course my dad texted back saying, "Wow, me too!!"

Groan