I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.
My brother can't stand people with missing toes
Does Caitlyn Jenner stand up on the subway?
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
I went with my friend in med school to Disney World and he was getting antsy everytime we had to stand in line.
So I told him, "If you want to be a good doctor, you'll need more patients."
Did you hear about the owls stand up performance?
I stand corrected...
Said the man wearing orthopedic shoes.
(Boyfriend said this yesterday and I was so proud)
Every morning, I like to stand in front of a mirror and think about all the good things I've done.
It's just a moment of reflection.
Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
If they lifted up the other one, they’d fall over.
why does a bike need a kick stand?
because it's two-tired to stand on it's own
Why couldn't the seven days stand on their own?
Because they were 'week'.
Where do you stand?
When I was a little boy, my dad was with me and a friend of his.
His friend asked him, "Where do you stand on children?"
My father replied, "I'm not going to do this with my boy here", pointing at me. "It would break him."
If there’s one thing I can’t stand to do...
I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong...
We've been married 3 years now !!
I retired from boxing to become a stand up comic
I had too many punchlines in my head
I can’t stand my daughter’s 🐍.
I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.
I payed my $2 and the guy says “Once upon a time there was this lobster.”
What’s the difference between a lousy trashy stand up comedian, and a father making jokes about pens?
One is bad at telling dick jokes, the other is dad at telling Bic jokes.
If you're cold go and stand in the corner.
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
You know what I can’t stand
Why did the meat cutter decide against a career in stand-up comedy?
He was afraid he would butcher all the jokes.
What does a robot do after a one night stand?
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why can't bicycles stand upright?
The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.
The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."
My wife texted, "I can't stand my mother."
So I replied, "Try laying her down."
What do you call someone who can't stand
Why do people in N/A stand in circles and hold hands???
Because they dont do Lines anymore.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
They tried to sack her, and she didn’t have a leg to stand on...
Do you know what Fe stands for?
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
Our plumber moonlights as a stand-up comedian.
He's a terrible plumber, but he really cracks me up.
I can't stand people without toes!
I guess that makes me lacktoes intolerant.
Why couldn’t the two melons stand each other?
They were attached to the same woman.
When I was single I had this one night stand
But then I got married and we bought a second night stand.
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?
Dad: I’m checking my balance.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good ,but I liked the execution
My son can't stand people with missing toes...
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
It's because it's two tired.
Why can a bicycle stand on its own?
My bike won't stand on it's own.
Why do we stand up when we are cold?
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?
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