"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."

"That's slander, man."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slashycent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the gardener say to the stalker?

Leaf me alone.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDragon1884
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between an observer and a stalker?

A clipboard and pen

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.

I nearly fell out of my tree.

πŸ‘︎ 454
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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One ear of corn says to the other, β€œI think I have a stalker.”

The other corn replies, β€œThats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, β€œNo, too husky!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maybejaeby
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a Stalker and a Private Investigator?

The Private Investigator get's paid, and the stalker is pursuing his passion.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaskedForGas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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To what part of the hospital was the stalker admitted in to?

The ICU

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BisexualPangolin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My father was a very notorious stalker

I really wanna follow in his footsteps

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rotaspeed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Never go into wheat or corn. Too many stalkers. reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dz959
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Why don’t blueberries want to be planted next to the corn?

Because the corn was a stalker.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hollywoodhank
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Remember Matt Damon?

I met a stranger oβ€Œβ€Œn tβ€Œβ€Œhe tβ€Œβ€Œube tβ€Œβ€Œhe oβ€Œβ€Œther dβ€Œβ€Œay. He didn't say 'hello', as a normal person might. Instead, he sβ€Œβ€Œaid, "β€Œβ€ŒRemember Matt Damon".

That seems a little bit weird... but it gets weirder. The next day, I passed the same fellow on the street, while I was out walking my dog. He called out to me once again, "Remember Matt Damon".

But I finally cracked it and called the cops after the SAME guy tβ€Œβ€Œapped oβ€Œβ€Œn mβ€Œβ€Œy bedroom wβ€Œβ€Œindow, aβ€Œβ€Œt 1β€Œβ€Œ1.30 pm last nβ€Œβ€Œight. He called to me, loud enough for me to clearly hear him through the glass, "β€Œβ€ŒRemember Matt Damon."

My conversation with the police then went like this:

Me: Officer, I think I have a stalker.

Policeman: can you tell me anything about this person?

Me: Well... uhhh... he reminds me of Matt Damon...

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I should apologize to my toilet...

I gave it a lot of shit this morning

(Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoiledMankey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hawkmoona_Matata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Managed to get groans of disapproval from everyone at the dinner table

Was at dinner tonight with my girlfriends family and her sister brought her new puppy over. Their step dad left the room momentarily and the puppy followed him.

GF: Oh, jeeze <step dad>, you've got a little stalker!!

Me: Oh no!!! We better call the pawlice!

Rest of table: <audible groans>

I'm only 22, but I like to think I have a bit of dad in me already.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/centerD_5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2015
🚨︎ report

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