A guy runs into a police stationโ€ฆ

โ€œHelp, Iโ€™ve been assaulted!โ€

โ€œMy goodnessโ€ says the officer at the front desk โ€œWhat happened?โ€

โ€œWell he kept pummelling me with his fists, then he threw some bread at meโ€ said the man, obviously distraught.

โ€œHmmmโ€ replies the officer โ€œSounds to me like you got a roll with the punchesโ€.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/slatersays22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 01 2022
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My wife's making cookies right now.

I'm really proud of this one.

I'm at my desk while my wife's baking cookies in the kitchen, just around the corner. I heard a metallic snapping sound followed shortly by an โ€œOh no!โ€, so I called out:

> "What's wrong?"

> โ€œI broke my whisk!โ€

> "Oh, that sucks."

> โ€œIt was my favorite one!โ€

See it coming yet?

> "Well, then that's a whisk we're just gonna have to tape."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CredibilityProblem
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2014
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DontFuckWithMyMoney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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During a family slide show...

[This wasn't my dad but I was present and think you folks will like the story]

My friend's cousin had recently biked across Canada for charity, and he was showing us his pictures. On the desk top there was a shortcut to a program called QuickTax. My friends Dad notices and promptly says:

"QuickTax? Sure sounds better than SlowTax!"

He proceeded to chuckle to himself for longer than he probably should have.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/duncxan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
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